Hey Aimee! Great chapter! It's great that you're back and writing. I really like Marlin, she's great. I can't wait to see if Sirius ever has his revenge. Update when you cna!
you could go very far in this story i enjoyed it that much but please don't try and put peter petigrew betraying james and lilly in the story because he would of had had to be betraying them a year after school because he didn't feel safe all alone he needed to be with the top dog in the wizarding world were at school it was the Marauders but he graduated and left school james when into hinding with lilly and sirus was doing stuff for the order so he was left all alone.
thank for reading my ideas
Author's Response: actually, i wasn't even going to have him betray them since i think its very cliche because james and lily are not the type to have a kid after getting out of school lol (: so you don't have to worry about peter he'll just be his usual quiet self.
again this is really good, i just read you info page tho and just wanted to say i hope your sis ends up ok.
Author's Response: Thank you for your concern. I really like it when people show they care about other peeople even if they dont know them. Thank you once again.
this is really well written and i like the whole marlin and sirius thing i just wonder if they get together. update soon!
Author's Response: Im glad you like my whole Marlin and Sirius, I put alot of what I would say (in my head) into my characters. SIrius is the hardest one to write about since he has so many different personalities one being a pervert and I have no pervertedness in me which makes him difficult.(: I hope you enjoy the rest of the story when I update.
Very good story, I look forward to reading more in the future! Now to something else - your sister. I'm sure it's very hard for you, and you obviously love her a lot. Just pray for her, hun. I'll pray for her too. Best wishes.
Author's Response: Im really glad that you want to read more. But you literally made my day by saying you will pray for her. May God's goodness shine down on you thank you for caring it means a lot to me.
Brilliant. This looks like it is going to be a great story. Don't let me down.
Author's Response: I'm glad to here that you think my story is going to be amazing. Lets just hope I don't let you down. I want it to be a great story as well. :)
This is a very powerful prologue. I'll definitely keep an eye out for the next chapters. I especially liked the ending, beginning with "Closing his eyes, he saw flashes of colors and faces . . . until . . . and soon became a part of his own memories."
I read your first review before I read the story and I agree with your reviewer, but I want you to know that the overall tone of the piece is very, very stirring. I think that the little gramatical errors and sentence structuring details would be smoothed out completely if you found yourself a beta. When I first submitted my James/Lily fic The Tenacity of Love it was rejected for a couple of errors that I completely missed. I had no idea how to find a beta then. One way is to look at the Forum (though I still don't know how to work it myself). Another is to go through PI betas (perfect imagination). They have a 'must reply in 3 days or less' policy, so you're definitely going to get a response. You could also look at author's profiles, because some of them advirtise for stories to beta. I, myself, am advirtising at the moment. Anyway, hope I helped. And I'm looking forward to more writing from you!
Author's Response: I am glad that you enjoyed my story so much. I love my prologue. I personally think it is one of my better literary works that I have written. I do ha ve beta reader but if I can get a second one, I most certainly will. This is my first fic and I hope that you do enjoy the later chapters. Don't worry I had no idea how to find a beta once a upon a time.
I can't wait to rad more! THis is really good!
Author's Response: Well I'm happy that you can't wait for more. I'll try and update as soon as I can.
First of all, before I tear this apart, I want to tell you that you did a nice job. I assume that this is your first attempt at actually posting any form of literature online. Maybe not. Anyhow, I like the idea of this story. It has potential. I like your use of vocabulary -- it's very descriptive. But I just want to point out some errors [factual and just opinion!] through this first chapter.
Paragraph 6, Line 6:
"But, I guess that was what he was hoping for.."
--Now. I know that you were just adding your personality, and voice when you wrote this, conciously or not. However, it pulls the reader out of the story and into your train of thought.
Paragraph 9, Line 2:
"He remembered flying his motorbike to what was left of the Potter’s large manor to collect Harry but to no avail."
--REWRITE!! It's confusing and an improperly arranged sentence. Fix it, but keep it.
Paragraph 9, Line 10:
"The last thing that Sirius remembered was how he had crossed the vast water on a boat to reach his new and dreary destination."
--I love the end of this sentence. '...dreary destination.' We could do without the 'new'. Also, if you absolutely must have 'boat' in this sentence, please describe it a little more. This sentence is a little boring.
Paragraph 10, Line 1:
"As he began his new life as the man who betrayed his best friends, the man his other friend, Remus Lupin, would now think of him as cold and heartless and how he would never visit him or have contact with him."
--Run-on. You were just trying to fit too many ideas into one sentence. This is easily remedied with rearrangement.
Paragraph 10, Line 3:
"The last memory that Sirius saw was the most painful for it consisted of a single person. "
--Don't get me wrong, I like this sentence. It's just confusing. '...for it consisted of a single person.' A single person of what?? Just explain your ideas.
And finally, Last Paragraph, Line 2:
" He was beginning to remember his whole final year at Hogwarts and soon became apart of his own memories."
--I hate to be nitpicky, but you just need to delete 'whole' in, '...his whole final year...' It is definitely not needed. Once again, your voice is coming out a little too stongly in this sentence.
SO! I hope my critique helps you! Basically other than my above suggestions, all that's left to fix is punctuation, spelling, some sentence flow and good ol' typos. You should be proud of yourself, though. Writing is hard work. And I know from experience that when you are just full of ideas, and excited to get them down in writing -- things aren't always perfect. Keep up the good work! I want to see more chapters.
Author's Response: Hmmm, what do I say to this. Yes, this is my first fanfciton online. Thank you very much for tellimg me your views on what should be done to make it better. I also saw the run-on sentence when I read it when it was accepted. I hope that you keep to this type of reviewing because it will help me improve my writing. Keep it up and by the way I didn't think you were nitpicky at all. Infact, I was rather surprised that I got such a long review. :) I did not think I would be getting one of those unless someone thought it was an amazing peice of work. I guess I was surprised. It was a nice Thanksgiving gift if you would like to call it that. Hope to have more reviews from you.