wow, this is brilliant.
i love the way you've written the relationship between bellatrix and her sisters. it shows a softer side but still stays true to her character.
She walked over to the oak cabinet and stared at the yellow flame of the dying candle on top of it. She inhaled with all her might and blew out the candle and the little love she had into the darkness.
Those last words were really good. I like how you make an analogy between her love and heart being the candle and the flame.
You make a good job of characterizing a young Bellatrix.
I like how you depict and pick apart her feelings...very rational, calculating, and cold.
~mgle_teacher/Knight of the Turnip Table
Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.
The room was dark, just how she liked it. I like how you jump right in here, making it clear where the story is going without an excess of words. Very efficient, which is, in this type of story, quite the best route to take. The walls were plain, painted gray, and added to the dismal decor. I dislike this line. No matter how dismal you like your home, very few people paint their walls grey. The image of grey walls nearly ruins the realism of the paragraph for me.
Your description of Bellatrix is very well done. Tomorrow, she was getting married. How simply put and effective that line is! The next two sentences would have worked better as one, I think, but on the whole, the paragraph is quite well done.
That was a definite. This phrase struck me as out of place. Perhaps it’s too modern – doesn’t fit the scene or the time period of which you are writing. doing all of the Dark Lord’s glorious work. I would have removed the word all form this part. this stupid wedding and stupid marriage, This is very repetitive – other words might have worked better here, though the paragraph, on the whole, is extremely effective.
Andromeda came down the stairs and said she refused to go on with the marriage and was instead going off with some filthy Mudblood. This is a very large canon inconsistency. Andromeda married, not a Muggleborn, but a Muggle. OotP clearly states that Ted Tonks was a Muggle. Which, naturally, makes Andromeda’s betrayal all the worse – especially in the eyes of Bellatrix.
I think your characterisation of Narcissa is off, but it’s an interesting portrayal.
She hated Mudbloods. They were bringing in their filth and contaminating everyone with their dirtiness, even the purest. They brainwashed her sister into joining them. That was angered her most — that they got her sister.
That is probably the most powerful part of your story. The vow is believable and well-written.
She inhaled with all her might and blew out the candle and her innocence into the darkness. Problem here – if Bella’s already joined the Death Eaters, her innocence would have been lost long before.
Author's Response: Thanks! I checked OotP about Ted Tonks. It says he's Muggle-born. I'll take a look at what you suggested. Thanks again for the review.
In general I don’t like stories about Death Eaters, but Bellatrix has proved a surprising exception to that, and I love what you do with her here. You do a very good job of showing her personality and individuality through the narrative itself. “If that was the only worth of a woman, than the world was sadder than she realized. She wasn’t going to stay home and be the perfect little house wife either. That was a definite.” Great sense of spirit right there – she is definitely determined to have her own life and keep her individuality, and you show that really well.
One thing to pay attention to is the sentence structures. Especially at the beginning, when you are describing the setting, the structures are all the same. The room was dark…The black silk curtains blocked…The furniture was…The walls were…” Especially since nothing is happening except description, it very easily degenerates into a list. Try to vary the sentence structures so that it’s not always “noun verb,” and it will force the reader to pay attention. This is something to think about through the entire story, but most particularly in places where there is no dialogue or action.
A few typos/grammatical things I noticed:
“She didn’t want to get married; she had too.” ‘Too’ should be ‘to;’ one of the easiest typos to make. Also, I’d replace the semicolon with a comma, since “she had to” isn’t a complete by itself.
“The days when her and Andromeda were still young, when they still were talking.” “Her” should be “she;” aside from that, I love that you show that there once was a close bond between Andromeda and Bellatrix; some stories assume that because Bellatrix is evil and Andromeda is the mother of Tonks, a good guy, that they must have always hated each other. You don’t go into the matter implicitly, but Bellatrix clearly had faith in her sister, and that’s a lovely detail to add to the story. I also love that their bond is important throughout the story, even after it’s been broken – Bellatrix feels that she has to make up for Andromeda, which is a beautiful and pitiful touch.
“Both of them didn’t want the traditional pureblood marriage, though Andromeda went about it in a more extreme way.” Instead of “both of them didn’t want,” this should be “neither of them wanted” – I’m not quite sure of the technical reason why, but it’s something to do with the negatives.
All in all, you do a great job of making Bellatrix a real, sympathetic, and pitiable character, without attempting to negate any of the terrible things she has done. You stay faithful to canon, all her failures, and yet you’ve made her real – great job!
Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. I've always figured that Bella did care a lot about her family. The scene in Spinner's End really showed me a more caring side. I'll fix the typos and such.
Yeah, its really good. I like how you showed Bellatrix, all bitter and stuff. Good job!
Author's Response: Thanks!
good job, i reallyliked it. i think you wrote it really well and it was a good way to show where some of her anger towards muggle borns comes from.
Author's Response: Thanls!