MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
04/27/08 16:47 · For:
Ah, wonderful story! Have I really not read this before? Tsk, tsk, Jenna.
To start, fabulous imagery - but we know this about Patrick's writing, already. From the first few sentences, this picture is painted in my mind. And it's vivid, but the edges aren't filled in (a good thing). It's descript, but just enough, so that the image in my mind is a symbol for the story, rather than an unneccessarily detailed setting. It's just a single, dark image of a man walking in the rain, wrapped in a clock, and the rain splashing off the pavement. I think it has to be my favourite thing about reading your writing -- I can see it, so vividly. I mean, I can still envision my mental setting for WTCBR at this moment, just recall it from memory, your imagery is that powerful.
He embraces the rain, as it is his cloak when the dark cannot contain his anonymity. When his footsteps mingle with the pitter-patter of the water falling from the sky, he knows he is safe. - Again, wonderful. Now there's an image and a meaning behind it. It did take me a moment to work out the first sentence, because it wasn't as clear as it could have been. I think it might flow better if it was - "He embraces the rain; it is his..."; the second sentences is 100% wonderful, though, and it really clinches the meaning you're trying to convey.
One key thing Regulus had learned during his journeys was that he was never the only one hiding underneath the fall of rain. I love this, too. His awareness. It's not just another detail, it's something that is almost necessary. It reinforces my belief in this character. Especially as a Slytherin. Whenever you're being sneaky or using something to your advantage, you have to remember that you're not the only one with the advantage.
He squinted his eyes and made out an old woman... - This sentence bothers me a bit. It might just be because where it stops and returns to the next line (He squinted / his eyes and...) , which isn't a flaw in the writing, but it does bring attention to the redundancy of 'He squinted his eyes'. Because, when you squint, you squint your eyes. It's sort of like saying 'he spoke with his mouth' or 'he licked his lips with his tongue'. It's unneccessary, and in this case, it sort of threw me off a bit for a moment, had to reread it.
As the rain that filled the gap between them, he breathed slowly. He could almost hear them following him. I got confused here again; I think maybe there's a missing word or an unneccessary word in the first sentence. But that's not so important, just an editting thing. I did want to point out the pronoun confusion. In the first sentence, you use 'them' to refer to Regulus and the beggar woman; in the next sentence, you use 'them' again. Obviously, it wouldn't make sense for this to also refer to Regulus and the beggar woman, but that's where the mind refers back to. And then, in attempt to make sense, I referred back to 'the rain that filled the gap', before I realised this was a different 'them'. Watch your pronouns, and make sure there is no confusion about what they're referring to. In this instance, you're referring to an anonymous 'them', so you want to clear the meaning before hand. Make sure there is no plural noun or use of 'them' immediately beforehand that the reader's mind will refer back to. And it might be best to put the anonymous 'them' in a sentence at the beginning of it's own paragraph.
“You don’t have your heart in it. You’ll get yourself killed.” This! I love this. Your Sirius-Regulus dynamic is wonderful. A Sirius and Regulus who are brothers and act like it. A Regulus that still goes to Sirius, still has a relationship with him, despite Sirius' estrangement from the Blacks.
The relationship is complex, and wonderful on each of it's levels. Regulus clearly wants Sirius' approval; why else would he give reasons for his actions? At the same time, Regulus isn't just a typical younger brother with a bad case of hero worship. He has his own sense of identity and it's clear he thinks what he's doing is right. Even then, he tries to make Sirius grateful to him. He seems to want that brotherly bond.
As to Sirius! Ah, lovelovelove your Sirius. He uses the word "fucking" a lot. Hee. I think it was used well, too. Sometimes people use swear words in fan-fic and it comes off wrong. But, the tone of his dialogue and the feeling that was coming through with it, it was so consistent and it really hit home. And, Sirius side of the dialogue told me a lot about the brother-dynamic, too. Because, it shows that Sirius and Regulus were on good enough terms to argue. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's not like a Sirius-Snape arguement, or a Harry-Draco. It's the type of arguement where you can really say what you're thinking, and you're not doing it just to piss them off, you're doing it because it's important to you. I love that Sirius is angry instead of worried and hurt. I mean, he could be worried and hurt, underneath it, but that he reacts with anger. That he's passionate about this, and that it angers him that Regulus is doing this; not another random Death Eater, but his brother.
I cannot convey to you how much I love that dialogue and how many volumes it spoke for me about the characters and their relationship. It just held sosososo much it's unbelievable.
A couple of points, though - watch out for slang terms. I caught some Americanisms/Modernisms/Muggleisms. Such as 'sucking up' and earning 'brownie points'. Late 70's/Early 80's Wizarding Brits wouldn't use those phrases.
Finally, I really enjoyed the bit about 'only fools hiding in the rain', but I would have liked to have seen that expanded more. (So much, that I'd like to see you maybe come back to this?). I think the first part of the scene was drawn out well enough, and the Sirius-Regulus scene was also just right, but the "fools" bit wasn't really developed. You had Sirius calling Regulus a fool, and you had Regulus saying a only a fool covers himself at night, and only a fool hides between falling raindrops, but you didn't really say why that makes him a fool. "Regulus looked upwards to see if the moon was still visible. It wasn’t. Only fools covered themselves at night. And what was Regulus except one of them?" -- You just introduce it there and it didn't really make a lot of sense to me. I was wondering if maybe the moon was a fool, too, for not being visible? It just confused me. But, I do love the idea of the whole thing, and I think it holds a lot of potential; I just don't think you lingered long enough on the idea or explained it enough for it to pack that potential punch.
Do you believe me when I seriously say I'd love for you to come back to this fic and make it longer? Because... I don't think I've ever asked that of anyone. It's quite fabulous. I think it's going to stick in my mind the same as WTCBR. It just ... it's so much in such a short few moments.
Ah! I forgot to mention that I really liked the Regulus-BeggarWoman dialogue, too. It was so concise, so perfect. I just didn't know how to explain it. And, her dialogue was quite unique. It really resounded with me. Sometimes, written "accents" seem contrived or inconsistent, but her's was great. Could totally hear it in my head. And I understand Regulus' suspicion, too. That would totally be me; I suspect everyone. I also think it really resounded with the whole idea of him being aware of what else is out there, who else is out there. Trust nobody. Definitely Slyth instinct. In that moment, he was mistrusting her, protecting her, and protecting himself. All at once. And, it just makes so much sense. Once again, your characters are so real in their thoughts, words, actions that it is real on so many levels.
Yeah, I was ending this review. Now I really am. Great one-shot, Tricksy ♥
Author's Response: Apparently I didn't respond to this review yet. >.> It was from about a year ago, I think? Anyway, you know I love your reviews. Thanks, dear.
(Signed) · Date:
04/19/07 19:57 · For:
Wow. Amazing! I can't believe I only just found this fic. I absolutely love it. From Mrs. Black's distinct character that we all just love to hate to Regulus's interaction with Sirius to the beggar woman on the street...it's all so beautifully written. I could almost see and hear what was going on in the bit where the boys were screaming in the thunderstorm.
Thanks for a great read, I'm really glad I found this fic!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you found it to - reviews really mean so much. :)
(Signed) · Date:
11/27/06 1:29 · For:
Patrick, let me start by saying that you seem to always use such artistry in your writing. I have this feeling of unworthiness whenever I read something youíve written. Itís all such a feast of narration and words and ideas, and Iím certainly not worthy of such a gift to read - let alone for it to be written for me.
Name: Dumbledore Prince
The first three lines of this story are so fabulous. I adore rain, and I adore Regulus, so I couldnít have asked for too much more, could I? You know me very well, my dear Pat. -fond poke-
The imagery of the rain as another cloak to hide in is fabulous. Then I like how we jump to young Regulus (no, I wasnít totally cuted out by the thought of young Regulus and what little Regulus, Jrs would be like...). Anyway, you take that paragraph describing something so simple as the thunder and the screams of the young boys, and itís so wonderfully set before our eyes.
The way Mrs Black appears at the correct moment should be comforting, but itís not because sheís Mrs Black, and so where it would be a tender thing from any other mother, it simply adds to her chilling terror. And then heís only three! It kills me that she is so heartless toward the small boy! It would rip my heart out, but I hardly noticed the first pain when she continues into the other room to smack Sirius. My lungs were probably torn out at that point, too, since my heart was already gone. Seriously, when I first read this, my hands flew to my mouth in horror.
In other words, your chilling tale is fabulous.
Just as Regulus was annoyed by that pauper with the socks, so was I, and then I felt a pang of guilt at being so annoyed. But that is something that Iíve often felt walking around downtown in the city - itís very real.
The last scene just blows me away and leaves me speechless. The interaction between the brothers is powerful. Iím ashamed to say that I was also a damn fool by not falling in love with this the first time I read it. Perhaps something was wrong in the air that night, because now Iím absolutely consumed with fascination and adoration of this story. Patrick, you're fantastic and this story is brilliant and I love you for writing something so amazing for me.
Author's Response: MAAAAAAAR! Thanks for the review. :)
(Signed) · Date:
11/13/06 10:41 · For:
Regulus's little tale about joining the Dark Lord's forces was an interesting read.
Name: he he helupin
I like the style of this story. It's a little wordy and in the present tense (which is a rarity, as you might be knowing); I like descriptive fics. I'm not a widely-read person when it comes to Regulus-centric fics, and I muct say, I'm quite impressed. His way of putting himself down seems to reveal his flaw of blind loyalty. Good portrayal of his snobbery, by the way. It was an excellent example of the "show, don't just tell" rule.
I did like the ending scene, but I felt that Sirius was a little OOC. I can kind of imagine him being flippant around his best friends, but not so in front of Regulus or his mother. Of course, since Sirius isn't in a good mood, it is quite believable (but perhaps not completely so).
Coming back to the praise, I haven't seen Regulus being called by a nickname before. It caught my eye immediately. Something unusual and intriguing is always nice to read about.
Overall, it's a fic that's well done.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review!
(Signed) · Date:
11/11/06 21:42 · For:
This is one of my favorite stories from you. Itís bittersweet and written very well. Also, I didnít realize you knew such colorful language ;). Itís a shame that itís finish, though. Iíd like to read more about Regulus through your eyes. :D
Author's Response: Colorful language? Me? *shifty eyes* Erm, yes, Sirius has quite the vocabulary there. Thanks for the review!
(Signed) · Date:
11/11/06 18:52 · For:
YES!! Oh, yes!! Finally! a story about Reg! Yay!!
Name: Sly Severus
Author's Response: Thanks. :)
(Signed) · Date:
11/11/06 16:41 · For:
Awww...poor Reg. I have always felt sorry for him. I don't believe he had a clue what he was getting himself into when he joined the Death Eaters. This was really well done. I love the way you incorporated the rain. :D
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! :)
(Signed) · Date:
11/11/06 13:17 · For:
finally! a story that shows the sirius-regulus connection. there needs to be more of these, especially showing that they didn't despise each other from the beginning. there may be no brownie points for reg, but you deserve brownie points for this story. =)
Author's Response: Thanks! :) I love brownie points.