I think this is an incredible story. You've taken a minor detail from one of the books and elaborated it greatly, and have made a fantastic story from it.
I love how these are character's we don't know but can still feel an attachment to, and can pity them to no end.
The last line completely caught me off gaurd after reading your other fics. It shows the dark humour side of you and I think you did a great job with it.
What is Andrew willing to do for his sister? How far can he push? I read your story based solely on those two lines in your summary, so congratulations on successfully doing one of the most difficult things in writing and putting out a hook for your reader. I’m fascinated by the idea of characters pushed past their limits, forced to make choices about what is most important to them, what they are willing to give up in order to keep something else. I love the idea of a Department of Mysteries worker willing to use all the resources available to him in order to save his sister.
That said, I would have liked to see more conflicts in the story. What was Andrew risking, throwing aside everything to work on those brains? Did he know that his own life was at stake? Was he pushing aside any ethical or humane concerns? What are the implications of creating a new mind for someone, and does he realize them? Your story touches on a lot of great and thought provoking questions, and I’d love to see you develop them more.
Interesting explanation of the brains, though – Ron apparently was not the first to make this mistake. At least he had friends around to take care of him. Poor Andrew – after all his work, he finds the solution, and then because of a stupid mistake he not only loses the chance to save his sister, but his own life as well.
A few nitpicks:
Everyone who spoke to him about his sister had the same sympathetic glance that he could no longer bare to see it. The “that” here doesn’t fit; try splitting it up into two sentences, or possibly a semicolon. “Bare” should be “bear” – one of those annoying things that spell check won’t catch for you. Also, “it” should probably be “them” – you’re speaking of the glances of multiple people, not one specific glance. Alternatively, you could say something along the lines of “he could no longer bear to look.”
He sighed heavily and, breaking into a run, he left the hospital. Drop the second “he” here; you’ve interjected “breaking into a run,” but the subject from the first clause still carries over.
The twist at the end was certainly not what I was expecting. It was a fun line, concise and humorous, but it changed the mood of the entire story. It seemed almost too fun; the humor felt out of place, as the story up to this point had been entirely serious. This may have been what you were intending – a story that leads in one direction, and then turns around and throws everything into a different light, ala Kate Chopin – but it took away some of the significance of the story, in my opinion.
You have a great plot here, and some really interesting ideas – a lot of potential for a great story. I’d love to see you expand on this, delve a little deeper into the ideas you touched on, look into the consequences of the Andrew’s decision. Thanks for the fun read.
Author's Response: wow, thanks so much for this review, i will seriously take this into consideration the next time i edit it! It means alot! Lily
Whoa.. That's so Department of Mysteries worthy.
Author's Response: I'm not entirely sure what the means, but it sounds good .. so thank you!!