This was amazing. I've always been fascinating by everything Egyptian, particularly mythology. I love how took the lullaby and built an entire story from it. I loved Panya and her relationship to the snake, Asim. My favorite was the story line how she became a Daughter of Buto and what gifts she got for that.
Author's Response: Thanks. I had this clear idea of what a Daughter of Buto was, based off of goddess, but I didn't want to spend half of the story explaining it. So I wrote the lullaby. I'm glad you like Asim, I wish Harry would speak to snakes more often in the books. Thanks so much for the review!
I like this look at Ancient Egyptian wizards very much. I love how you took the Egyptian Lullaby and constructed a whole story around it. The atmosphere was tightly woven and I felt the Ancient Egyptian setting come to life, not because you described the places Panya goes a lot, but because of little details like the sand covered streets.
I also loved the little connections with the HP-verse you wove into your story, the dagger being some kind of wand, the cloak being an early, primitive invisibility cloak and Panya being a Parselmouth. Very very nice.
A few nit-picks:
“Tension in the air, he hissed. “Tonight we hunt?” you forgot to put quotation marks at the end of the first part of Asim’s speech here.
She would have to be careful, for many sons of the Pharaoh lived here, and had she had no wish to cause trouble for any of the faithful. The word I bolded shouldn’t be in this sentence at all, you only need to put had once here and the one after ‘she’ is placed correctly, the other isn’t.
His accusations rung in her ears, but she just fulfilled the will gods. This would have to be either ‘the will of the gods’ or ‘the gods’ will’, the way you have it now is confusing and hinders the flow of the sentence.
The Temples have split into two alliances: one with the Pharaoh, the other with his some of his sons. Again, the word I bolded is superfluous and should be deleted.
Another thing I noticed is that you took your story’s conflict straight from the class’s discussion, where we tried to come up with a theory on relations between wizards and Muggles in Ancient Egypt. I like how you took what some of us said, that they lived side by side, interwove that with some other’s opinion of wizards still being special and not everybody being a wizard and then had your story end with Panya, Asim and Rashidi leaving the Muggle world behind and living on their own apart from the Muggles. Lovely story, my dear!
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I don't if it's clear, but I wrote the Egyptian Lullaby to summarize what a Daughter of Buto is so I didn't have to spend have my story explaining it. I had alot of fun with it. I'm gald the connections came through. Egyptian society wouldn't be the same, but I still wanted the reader to see the connections to the HP world. I got the idea for tunic from "Fanastic Beasts..." I was flipping through the book and searching for any beast that said Africa (the wand core was from that book too). Got to hand to the whole class for such a great discussion that gave me plently of ideas to choose from. Finally, thanks for nit-picking. I will go make the changes now. Thanks again.
sounds interesting. what comes next?
Author's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing. This is a one-shot I did for a class on the forums. I know I left it open-ended, but that is done on purpose so your imagination can take you where you want it to. Thanks again for the review!