MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Haley Lupin (Signed) · Date: 03/23/08 14:14 · For: Chapter 1
Alright, like you said in your Author's Note, you're prob'ly not gonna add on more, but if you want, I will...I'm, like, Lupin's biggest fan and I've got a few interesting characters lined up for this story....

Name: coke_lover (Signed) · Date: 08/25/07 16:50 · For: Chapter 1

Name: coke_lover (Signed) · Date: 08/22/07 18:10 · For: Chapter 1
love it

Name: I_LUV_MOONY (Signed) · Date: 08/06/07 21:19 · For: Chapter 1
A little undetailed, but otherwise quite excellent. Is there any particular reason Remus stood up, or was he just ready to leave? And I love the thought of Fleur having an equal.Awesome job, please update soon! :D

Name: I_LUV_MOONY (Signed) · Date: 08/06/07 21:14 · For: Prologue
This made me laugh! It's so sweet; I love how Remus proposed! This whole thing was really good. Keep up the good work! :D

Name: allura mystique (Signed) · Date: 05/04/07 8:18 · For: Prologue
Awwww... so sweet!

Name: no_day_but_today (Signed) · Date: 12/06/06 22:27 · For: Chapter 1
Yay! Another chapter on the site. I'm glad that you took my suggestion about the chapter. I'm excited for the next chapter.

Author's Response: Lol, Dunno when that'll be done. Kinda piled with alot of things right at the moment.

Name: Starmaiden (Signed) · Date: 12/05/06 23:10 · For: Chapter 1
Your ideas are sweet and original -- not too many people go take Remus and Tonks through the wedding process.

There's one concept that I think would really give your writing a boost -- the "show, not tell" idea. For example:
Tonks spun around in the magnificent wedding gown that used to belong to her mother.

“Oh, honey, you look wonderful,” Andromeda complimented.

“Thanks for letting me use it for my wedding, Mum, ” Tonks said.

“It’s fine, dear. I’m glad that you’re marrying Remus,” she told her daughter.

Now, the dialogue is all correct and it's fine. But it could be a lot more powerful if you "showed" instead of "told" -- like this:

Tonks spun around, white skirts floating about her.

“Oh, honey, you look wonderful,” Andromeda complimented her.

“Thanks for letting me use it, Mum. I can't believe you're giving me your own wedding dress." [Here, you don't need to say "Tonks", because there's only two characters: Tonks and Andromeda, and it's obvious which is speaking here.]

“It's my pleasure, dear. I'm so glad you found Remus -- he's such a wonderful, kind man."

The biggest thing I changed here was Tonks' lines. I had her say that it was Andromeda's dress, but I also used it to express her gratitude -- sort of compressed the conversation so that it flows better. I hope that makes sense.

Remus is sweet, as Remus always is. I think your Tonks may be a little out-of-character -- I can't see Tonks using a wedding planner or being quite as girly as she's depicted here, but then, it's her wedding, and most women go a little funny around their weddings.

You use a lot of good synonyms/replacements for "said": replied, demanded, snapped, etc. That's great for variation and conveying emotion.

One other thing that I think would help you a lot is use of more pronouns, or just of fewer names, like the place above where I pulled "Tonks". Also, in places like this one:
In Hogsmeade, Harry, Ron, Bill, Charlie, and Remus were walking into The Three Broomsticks. They were laughing and talking about the wedding. Ron and Harry bought some Firewhisky.

While they waited at a table for the older men, Harry and Ron were talking; well, more like arguing.

Instead of using "Harry and Ron" repeatedly, you could say "the younger men" or something like that. You did use "the older men", which is good.

I like how you're intertwining the romances here. I think weddings and love bring out that side of all of us!

There are some places where you can compress the phrases, like this one:
They had gotten married about six months after Bill and Fleur. They didn’t have a wedding; they eloped.
Again, this is perfectly fine, grammatically. However, you sort of repeat yourself -- you use three different words for "marriage." You could instead say something along the lines of:
"They had eloped about six months after Bill and Fleur. "
Short, simple, gets the point across. By getting the extra words out of the way, the whole feel of the story moves faster.

I like what you've started. I hope I wasn't too harsh on you -- and whatever you think of what I said, don't let that stop you writing! Ultimately, YOUR writing is for YOURSELF. Don't let outside criticism get to you!

Author's Response: Wow, long post. I'm sure whatever you said will help me when writing my next chapter. There were a lot of points that made a lot of sense. I'm glad you like how I started. You weren't to harsh at all. You're just trying to help.

Name: MJ_Padfoot (Signed) · Date: 12/05/06 19:34 · For: Chapter 1
I LOVE THIS! I am totally in love with this fiction! Can't wait for an update!

Author's Response: Update will come as soon as I get the second chapter written. i am currently waiting for another story to come from my Beta so I'm a little too stressed out to write.

Name: MJ_Padfoot (Signed) · Date: 12/05/06 19:26 · For: Prologue
One word: CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE this!!!!!!! It's not OOC and it's just cute! Good job!

Author's Response: Nope, I really try to cut down on the OOCness. I'm glad you think it's cute.

Name: WunderWitch (Signed) · Date: 11/05/06 12:19 · For: Prologue
eek! by the way, I am so glad we're getting some more R/T fics on this site! there are far too little! Nice job adding on!

Author's Response: Yeah, i'm planning on doing something like this for harry and ginny and ron and hermione.

Name: WunderWitch (Signed) · Date: 11/05/06 12:17 · For: Prologue
awwwwww, THAT IS SO CUTE!!!!

Author's Response: Thanks!

Name: Wolfsbane werewolf 715 (Signed) · Date: 11/03/06 21:59 · For: Prologue
Good job with the first chapter. I hope you'll be getting on your way to the next chapter soon! 1000000000000000000/10!

Author's Response: Thankss!!! :D I haven't even started the next chapter yet so it may be a while. I am currently busy with my other story.

Author's Response: Thankss!!! :D I haven't even started the next chapter yet so it may be a while. I am currently busy with my other story.

Name: HPwizzzard (Signed) · Date: 11/02/06 16:08 · For: Prologue
Ha, another new story! Yay for fluff.

Author's Response: Thanks, I guess.

Name: no_day_but_today (Signed) · Date: 11/02/06 16:00 · For: Prologue
Yay! It got on this time. Good for you. It's nice to see this on the site. Good luck on the next chapter.

Author's Response: Double reviews!!! :-)

Author's Response: Double reviews!!! :-)

Name: no_day_but_today (Signed) · Date: 11/02/06 15:59 · For: Prologue
Yay! It got on this time. Good for you. It's nice to see this on the site. Good luck on the next chapter.

Author's Response: Yes. And thanks for being a great beta for me!

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