This is such a different view on things. Your Characterization is very different. I love your Dumbledore and your Nicholas is very likable. I feel really bad for him. I don't think I can really accept a Perenelle that is that selfish and mean, but it works for this story. Nicholas seems very learned and has come to some very good conclusions about life.
[i]And don’t you dare blame Albus Dumbledore for your adulting ways!’[/i]
Did you mean adultering? Other then that, I only saw one or two little mistypes.
Over all, I found this a very interesting POV. It was well written and enjoyable to read. It is refreshing to get new POVs to characters and stories. Cyns
Author's Response: See, I make up words sometimes, blink and go, "is that seriously a word?!" so thanks for that :D. My Word doesn't recognised adultering, either, silly thing. Thanks for the review!
This is a very well written story. I like how you developed Dumbledore's friendship with Nicholas Flamel. I do have to say that I do not like the deterioration of Perenelle's personality...and she worked with her husband with many of his experiments, so I do not see that she would become that bitter...that distant with him because they shared so much, their love life, their experiments, etc. I always saw her working beside Nicholas to translate the Book of Abraham and to conduct the Alchemy necessary to make the stone. That is my opinion though.
I always believed that Nicholas did not mean to allow himself to die until after the run in between Harry and Voldemort in Philosopher's Stone. That he talked with Dumbledore and Perenelle and together decided that they have lived long enough...that the danger the stone was to the world was greater then their need to keep living. He had given the stone to Dumbledore to keep and protect for him because he was a trusted friend and an obvious choice to guard the stone as he had one of the safest hiding places in which to protect the stone. It would also have been more obvious for Nicholas to keep the stone in his own safe...not everyone would think that Dumbledore would be in possesion of the stone, even if they knew he was friends with Nicholas.
Thanks for this different view of how the story of Nicholas Flamel would have ended. Sometimes these views into other worlds open up our minds to see more of how the world works.
Author's Response: I think there's some underlying opinions there that I think are amusing. But thanks for saying it in a civilised way, you know? Thank you for recognising that my ideas are different to yours without saying "OMG I H8 THIS! YOU DID EVERYTHING WRONG!"
But in truth, I didn't know a huge deal about Nicholas Flamel other than a few basic facts I put in the story. I was just trying to come up with an idea why Nicholas would give Dumbledore the stone for the year when he would have needed fresh Elixer - or maybe he doesn't. We'll have to see how it all works out, with the details pouring in, won't we?
STEPH!!! *attacks* I'm here, finally, to read this fabulously fabulous fic! Wow. Just … wow.
Can that be my review? No? Okay.
Steph, darling, you have a magnificent way with words. Each and every single one is perfect for the sentence, the paragraph, the situation, the emotion … everything. I'm in awe. I get shivers just reading – it's amazing! You paint vivid word-pictures. I would not change a single word you've written – unless it's in the wrong tense or something! (See below.)
This is a marvellous idea, Steph. In fact, I had never bothered to question why the Stone was brought to Hogwarts in the first place. What made you think about that? You came up with a solution that works well. It's unnatural to live an immortal life, and I'm glad you hinted at that and proclaimed that even the immortal are never truly satisfied.
The use of a Pensieve is also quite effective. Instead of just relating the problems between Nicholas and Perenelle, you can actually show us. That's fantastic. The memories are so sad! No wonder Nicholas wants to die. His relationship with his wife reminds me a little of Finding Neverland. Nicholas didn't try to neglect his wife, did he? He was just distracted. It's sad.
I love this line: Dumbledore nodded wisely. ‘Ah, yes. The trees have ears.’Can we say Narnia? Wow. And it fits so well, too!
And I told you they were coming. Here are nit-picks! Not too many.
He drew his wand and opened the gates for Dumbledore, and the newcomers face split into an unmistakably thankful grin. You need an apostrophe in "newcomer's" to make it possessive, not plural.
‘So, Nicholas, are you going to tell me why you’ve request I come all the way to Paris for you today?’ "Request" should be "requested."
The portraits spoke shiftily in their frames, and Dumbledore noticed that Nicholas no longer walked as though this were his mansion; in fact, it looked as thought Nicholas was a small child, hiding from his mother. You have an extra letter. "Thought" should be "though."
Dumbledore had only just been able to secure safety of his school before whisking himself off to Paris for his friend. I think you need the word "the" in between "secure" and "safety." I think.
‘I see.’ said Dumbledore, ‘But are you not happy for what you have achieved?’ You have the dialogue punctuation backwards here, dear. You need a comma before "said Dumbledore" and a full stop after.
‘No, Nicholas,' she sad, he voice wavering. 'It is time I think we went our separate ways. It should be, "she said, her voice." And maybe commas around "I think."
And I'm not sure that "adulting" is a word. No, I don't think it is. Try "adulturine." And oh! I just looked up the name Perenelle. Here's what it says, though I'm sure you already know: "Form of Parnel, which became slang for a promiscuous woman." Whoa. That's just brilliant, Steph.
Those are the only spelling/grammar/punctuation errors I found. However, I did spot a couple places where it seemed choppy or unclear. Firstly, when Albus pulls out the Pensieve, why is Nicholas so startled? That didn't make sense to me. The other place is in the second memory. Nicholas is talking about Excalibur, but in Perenelle's response, she changes the subject. Maybe there's a line or two of dialogue missing? It just didn't flow quite right.
Also, as I read it for the third time, I noticed that in the dialogue, everyone says the other person's name. In every sentence, nearly. It got a bit distracting after a while, especially when I considered that I rarely use people's names when I'm talking directly to them. I only use their name when I want to get someone's attention or when I was to really emphasise a point. If I were you, I'd take out at least half of those names.
Wow, sorry! I said a lot of bad things, didn't I? Oops. I didn't mean to! I just really really want to help improve this, because it is so astonishingly fabulous! It was insightful into human nature – very realistic and convincing. Your language is, again, lovely and full of imagery. Your dialogue (except for the names) is believable, the plot is believable, and it fills in a plot hole wonderfully. I don't even know what else to say about this! I heart your writing like whoa, Steph! *hugs*
Author's Response: OH MAN what a review! I need to seriously pick one of the three versions of this on my computer to fix up. I seriously don't know what's up with that...
With the errors, you spotted a couple new ones! Huzzuh for that! A couple of them I've actually fixed BEFORE, but now I've got some new ones, teehee. I ♥ you Abs. Thanks for the review!
What an intriguing little one-shot! I can certainly see why you won the Fall Hospital Wing Project. The amount of research you must have put in is outstanding; the French language/culture and the mentions of how Nicholas came to find the secrets of immortality were very impressive. Am I to take “Abraham” as the Abraham of Jewish/Christian history? If so, that’s pretty brilliant!
I liked how you immediately set up an atmosphere. The description of humidity, gloominess, and shadows give the feeling of oppressiveness even though Perenelle never actually appears in the one-shot. The skirt that whisked around the corner and the darkened street also helped maintain the mysterious, almost creepy feeling.
Going along with the oppression, you dealt well with the idea of immortality. I’ve read stories in which Nicholas and Perenelle are portrayed as a very loving couple,you’re your take on it makes much more sense. Immortality has traditionally been seen as a thing that poisons people, and rightly so. You’ve captured this fear perfectly in the crumpling apart of their relationship and Perenelle’s domination of Nicholas.
As far as the characterizations of Nicholas and Dumbledore go, I think you’ve done well. Dumbledore’s politeness and concern were very IC, and Nicholas’s fear, nervousness, and regret were palpable. The line that really clinched it for me was this: “Nicholas near tip-toed to the nearest dark cedar door. His feet pressed slowly onto the floor, a deliberate lifting and setting down of each foot as he crossed the hall like a cat slinking through the corridors.” Just wonderful. =)
Some things to watch out for are choppiness and repeating words and also names. Some of your sentences are very abrupt even though they are not fragments. Also, the transitions from the memories to real time were more sudden than I would have liked. Just stretching it out a little bit would help, I think. With the repetition it’s not a big dea,. but like Hanna, I’m hyper-sensitive. When a name is used twice in a short paragraph it doesn’t feel completely right; pronouns would just make it smoother. This applies to words that have been repeated, too. Variety just makes things better.
I really enjoyed your story, though. It’s a great speculative fiction and obviously there was a lot of work put into it. Congrats, and thanks for a good read!
Author's Response: Ren dear, so sorry it took me so long to respond. I was litterally baffled, and I'm so glad you're in SPEW now!
I'll work on those two changes - I literally had 2 hours to write this so I'll edit it in later!
As for the names >.> and words <.< I wanted him to sound oldish, lol, but I guess it came across as a little too forced! Thanks for the concrit, hun!
I really enjoyed this story! I have never read a story about Nicholas Flamel before, and I was pleasantly surprised!
I liked how you made something like immortality human. It is something that a normal person can’t really grasp, but you have brought it to a level that is interesting and makes sense.
I have always thought of Flamel as almost not human because of his immortality, you took him and gave him very human emotions and faults in a believable way. The way you made his relationship with his wife have bad points as well as good points was nice. That isn’t something I have seen before, they have always been the prefect couple, and you made them human.
I saw a few things you may want to fix. ‘The letters had been coming to Hogwarts increasingly desperately, one after the other in an urgent plea to mean.’ Should that be ‘desperate’ and ‘meet’ not ‘mean’? Also: ‘but alas, they we unable to reverse time without consequences.’ Should that be ‘then we are unable’?
‘At the sight of his friend’s raised eyebrows at the sudden appearance of the object, he merely whispered quietly, ‘Magic.’’ I love this line! It is so Dumbledore and added a nice lift to the seriousness of the story.
I really like this story and the emotion and humanity you gave the characters. Great job!
Author's Response: Leah! Thank you for this FANTASTIC REVIEW! You had me in SQUEE'S! I'm editing it right now, in fact, and you've helped me quite a lot! Such a kind reviewer! ♥
I have a complaint. Steph does not tell me when she posts a new story, and therefore I cannot read her brilliantness without some deliberate action on my part. this is not fair, because everyone should be able to partake of such extraordinary writing talent on a daily basis...
Kidding. Zillions and zillions out of 10 for the awesome Steph. yay!
Author's Response: Haha, Juli you're one in a million mate *squishes* ♥
omg that is AWESOME!!!! really!
I feel so sad for Nicholas, And Perenell seems like a right little biatch... For someone who is centuries old - which brings me to my next point - Doesnt it say in PS that they are only in the 600s, not 800s? Just a pointless little curiosity...
Author's Response: Oh, I must have made a mistake! Thank you, Kali! *goes to find & change* I don't know, all of a sudden I just thought "I don't like Perenelle" and the storyline kind of worked it's way out from there on. ♥
Are you sure you want to do this, Nicholas?’
Oopsie, you forgot the first quote.
‘You were too busy bedding other aristocrats, Perenelle, and I turned a blind eye. I ignored the fact you sinned, Perenelle, because my love blinded me! I couldn’t bare to see you with those pompous, ghastly men, Perenelle, with their eyes devouring you at our dinners. I shut myself off and so became blissfully ignorant of your ways.’
Brilliant paragraph. However, I think that you may have used Pernelle just a few too many times. Once or twice in this paragraph would have been good. I also noticed that you used 'old friend' a lot throughout the story. Although, I am always hyper-aware of reptition in stories, so maybe I am being too nitpicky. I have been known to go back several pages in books to find where the author used a word before. @.@
‘To some, Albus, death is but the next great adventure,’ he said gently.
Ooh, this was so great! I loved you incorporated this line into your story. I don't know; somehow it made Albus' and Nicholas' friendship seem stronger.
I loved your characterization of Dumbledore. It was just right. Everytime I read a line he spoke I could have sworn it was straight from the books.
I would have liked it if we saw a bit more of Pernelle. Maybe one more memory, just to give her a bit more depth.
Nicholas was spot-on as well. The fact that he was so inteligent but was so blind about his wife was interesting to read. You also wrote his regret well; I could feel his stress as I read.
This was such a great story, Steph. I really liked it.
Author's Response: SPEW REVIEW SQUEEE! Hanna! Thank you! Oopsie, that first quote line needs to be replaced! And old friend. Erm. I couldn only think of so many "fond from the seventeeth to the twentieth century" words. Any suggestions? I sort of ran out of time with Perenelle, but if I have time, I'll add some in and PM you with it. Thank you for the concrit, Hanna! ♥
Great one-shot!!! I really enjoyed the characterization of Dumbledore, and of Nicholas and Perenelle, even though you had really nothing to start with for them. You showed their life as immortals wonderfully! It makes me feel kind of bad that Dumbledore destroyed the stone in the end, though. After all, he promised to protect it.
Good writing, too. I like how Dumbledore doesn't know everything!
Author's Response: Ooh, wow thank you! You commented on everything I was slightly scared of not doing right! Hee! Thanks, Valentinia! ♥
Hi Steph! Nice job on your challenge entry! I never really thought about why Dumbledore had the Philospher's Stone in Book One, and you did a good job of explaining it. What a shame that Nicholas and Perenelle drifted so far apart and had to sacrifice their immortality for happiness. Excellent research, and I thought the way you worked in the lines from the books was fantastic! Good luck with the challenge!! ~Gina :)
Author's Response: GINA! Thank you! You know, your little comment about my story actually helped with it, and I had it in my head for the next couple of days until in English we mentioned the world "funereal" and I was like *GUH love* So thank you for your help! ♥