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Name: sam1 (Signed) · Date: 06/15/10 11:03 · For: One-shot
since you started this why not write about how hogwarts started and let dumbledore tell it

Name: sam1 (Signed) · Date: 06/15/10 11:03 · For: One-shot
since you started this why not write about how hogwarts started and let dumbledore tell it

Name: BeautifulDreamer07 (Signed) · Date: 08/08/07 9:48 · For: One-shot
Hello fellow Gryffindor!

Though this review won't sparkle as much as the ones that preceed it, I hope I can be constructive and helpful. :D

First off, I really like the idea of this story. I had never really thought about the circumstances leading to Slytherin placing the basilisk in the Chamger of Secrets and I think you did an excellent job presenting this scenario!

There was only one thing that really bothered me with this story. I think, if Rowena and Salazar were married, that Rowena would have tried much harder to convince him to stay. I also think she would have been a lot more upset. That's just me though and, really, that was the only thing that bothered me. The rest of the story was fantastic!

So, like I said, this review doesn't sparkle like those before it, but I hope you are glad I left it. :D

*Toaster Pride!*

Author's Response: Thank you for the review, and I don't mind the length.

Name: GreyLady (Signed) · Date: 02/09/07 18:30 · For: One-shot
Kiara is right, Mini; your characterization in this is excellent. You have all the personalities of the founders written perfectly. I especially like this part for the characterization and for the wonderful imagery: ““I have seen enough of your non-co-operation, Slytherin!” retorted Godric. His brown eyebrows were narrowed, and his eyes bore an indignant glint. The lines in Godric’s forehead were clearly visible in the dim, eerie light of the few candles that floated above the four magicians.” You have his self-righteous nature down wonderfully, and as I said, the description is so vivid. The dialogue on the whole is very realistic.

However, I always have a problem connecting to the characters in a Founder era. They’re so cut-and-dried. I think it would have helped if you had given them some more personality beyond what we know about the houses--quirks and things like that.

The no-nonsense attitude of story-telling is really great; you just dive in and there’s no looking back. This isn’t the most original of scenarios, but you managed to give it your own flavor. The story flows very fluidly and rapidly.

However, I was a bit thrown off by the long explanation of Rowena being his wife. I think it might have worked better of you had just mentioned it briefly and allowed the reader to work it out for themselves, so that when they reached the comment about his eldest son they would understand completely. It’s a very clever plot point, by the way. I hadn’t even thought about Salazar having a child, though it seems obvious now. He would have had to been sure about his line continuing if he was leaving the Chamber of Secrets to his descendents.

One plot point that I was confused by was Salazar entering the Chamber by Portkey. Why would he have to open the tunnel first?

I have some nitpicks:

“Rowena Ravenclaw and Helga Hufflepuff were watching the argument in silence; worried about its outcome.” That semicolon should be a comma.

“He was in a rage, for he had been overruled by three people, whom he had considered equals.” I don’t think that you need a comma before “whom.”

“His feet carried him to his chambers on their own accord, even as Salazar was lost in though and wrath.” This would be better worded as “lost in wrathful thoughts.”

“The young snake slithered towards the statue and moved into the hollow place. The mouth of the august, looming statue closed back into place.” You already used the word august—try to replace it with something like “intimidating,” or “impressive.”

That said, this is a quality one-shot that you must have put a lot of time and research into. Good job! The last line was wonderfully chilling and prophetic.

Knight of the Turnip Table

Author's Response: *beams* Thank you for this lovely review! You've made my day! I see your point about the characters not having quirks ... I wish that had occurred to me earlier. You're right about the lengthy explanation about Slytherin's family, I'll have to cut some of the obvious portions out. Thanks for pointing out those punctuation errors, I can now see what's wrong with them. Then again, commas have always been one of my weaker areas ... Once again, thanks for this fantastic critique!

Name: Oppungo (Signed) · Date: 12/31/06 3:37 · For: One-shot
What an original fic Mini - this can't have been easy, but you pulled it off very well indeed. I liked the beginning where you jumped straight into the confrontation rather than go into deep background straight away, you had a great structure to all this.

The first descriptive paragraph was really good, giving the reader a really clear image of the Founders and helped to set the scene well. I particularly liked Godric's "angry glint", I thought you had a great portrayal of him - he wasn't a saint, and Slytherin wasn't Voldemort style evil - they both had their times, and this came across well. However, I would like to see more description - I feel there was a great opening for description in the first few paragraphs which you missed. You did make up for this later, though, which was very well written. I think at times you writing is a bit uneven - there's either a whole lot of speech with little description or vice-verse. Both parts are extremely well done, complete with good vocabulary, and both display and provoke emotion outstandingly - but I would like to see more of a balance.

Another thing I loved about the characterisation is how Slytherin's responses seem to mirror the characters of who he is responding to - when he replies to Rowena he is calm and logical, when he responds to Helga he is more emotional, and he shouts his reply to Godric, showing his pride. I thought that was really interesting, and helped us to see more of the characterisation in all of them, and really made them more real.

What I also liked about the characterisation and plot was how well you showed Slytherin's emotions. A lot of people seem to forget that Slytherin had feelings and a good reason for doing what he did with the Chamber of Secrets, and this came through really well in your writing. It was really nice how you went over how Slytherin had been hurt by his friends, showing his human side.

One line around there that really interested me was, "He was in a rage, for he had been overruled by three people, whom he had considered equals." I just thought that this was so ironic, as Slytherin felt betrayed by the lack of equality, and yet he was highly prejudiced against equality in blood.

Another small detail that I was very impressed that you put there was when Slytherin went into Myrtle's bathroom, and "In an unusual display of discourtesy, he did not bother to knock before opening," I thought that was great! It made me giggle, and it was lovely to see you getting into the era, for of course this was all a long time ago, and there would be changes in speech and etiquette, and it was lovely to see this shown here. It's the little things like that that really make this story stand out and above from others. Congratulations on accomplishing such a great story!

Author's Response: Thanks for this great review, Kiara! *hugs*

It was important for me to jump into the era and the characters. Plus, this was a contest submission. I'm glad I managed to impress you!

Name: Gmariam (Signed) · Date: 11/07/06 16:23 · For: One-shot
Hi there! Nice job on your challenge entry! I enjoyed reading how the Basilisk was hatched, good research. I thought you did a good job showing the enmity between Slytherin and the others, especially Gryffindor. I was suprised that he was married to Ravenclaw, it made his leaving the castle sad. I'm curious about their children. Having Slytherin hatch the Basilisk as his final act before departing was a good idea and well written. Good luck in the challenge! ~Gina :)

Author's Response: Hello Gina! Thanks for your review and the wishes! I couldn't resist putting in some Rowena/Salazar; I enjoyed writing about it in this one (even though it's not a major plot point). The Basilisk hatching was a little tough to write because I haven't read FB and had to rely on the wonderful people at the RD. I'm glad you liked it!


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