Chance occurances...that teach us that the supernatural is not something to be played with. This was a well written story and very imaginative! Dark, definately dark...
This was great - perfectly written. It was creepy and dark - exactly what I love in D/A.
I love your Romilda. We don't know a lot about her from canon, but the character you created was perfect. She sounds for the most part like a spoiled, little ten-year-old. The only thing is that some of her dialogue seems a bit too sophisticated for a person her age. “Grandad,” she sighed. “That tale was an utter letdown.” It isn't something a ten-year-old would say. But her action did show her age. I loved how she demanded Archibald to tell her a story. It seems like something she would do. She thinks that anything she wants has to be done, so you would expect that she would order around her family like that.
Mary's story was extremely creepy. Even though Romilda might not have thought the story was scary, I did. Mary Worth is such a tragic character. She was driven to madness; most people probably would too, if my best friend and lover got married. I loved how she killed herself with the fragments of the broken mirror. Her vanity, the fact that she thought that she could get any man, is what really killed. It makes sense that the mirror, a symbol of her vanity, would be used to kill her. The way Archibald told the story was creepy, a perfect ghost story.
A young woman’s face, it was, with raked cuts down her cheeks and straggles of hair emerging from her bleeding scalp. Her lips were cracked and bleeding, her mouth toothless and gummy.
I love your description, and the above quote is a perfect example of it. I can picture Mary Worth perfectly. The description really added to darkness of the fic. It made the scene really come alive in my mind, making it even creepier.
Archibald is such a great character. He is perfectly developed. He is extremely perceptive; he notices his granddaughter's bossiness and attitude. But you can how much he cares for Romilda at the end.
Yet, the attack was on his precious granddaughter. Yes, he saw her now as precious– not a brat, not an annoyance, but precious. How terrible things can change your perception.
I loved this line. It is really true. You don't realize how precious things are until they are almost taken away. Archibald realizes this, and so does the reader. While I don't really like Romilda, I was scared for her when she was being attacked by Mary. It's great when you can make a reader feel sorry for a character they don't really like.
Great job overall! This is probably one of the best D/A stories I've ever read.
hanna. you already know what i think of this story since you were sitting right beside me as i read it.
but really, its insanely well written. you've always been an amazing writer and ive always been oh so jealous..
and you know..that new knew typo i pointed out.
other than that...fantastic.
i wish i could be good at writing reviews. but its a little weird since i know you could just call me up and yell at me if i say anything rude..
This piece was exceptionally written. Your description made the words leap of the page and I was sucked into this story almost immediately. I think my favorite part was your repeated use of "Mary, Bloody Mary". To that end, I particularly liked that throughout the piece, you used ellipses following that phrase and at the very end, you ended it with a period. Very nice!
I'll admit it: I was frightened by some of the description in your story. It was so raw and so real and utterly perfect, although it was also a perfectly horrible sight that you had to describe. You are truly a master, and I think that your strength in this area is what makes the piece so dark.
I also want to say that you did an excellent job with Romilda Vane as the main character. Her few words were perfectly in character, and you managed to maintain that character despite writing something so drastically different from JKR. Very well done!
I enjoyed reading this immensely.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your brilliant review! I'm glad you enjoyed the story so much. :]
Hanna, you wrote a brilliant story here. Romilda was one of those characters that I just love to hate at first, vain and utterly spoiled, but by the end of the story I felt bad for thinking that about her. It’s true, of course, but after what happened to her I really can’t hate her anymore. The reaction of her grandfather, his guilt and the fact that he suddenly thinks she is precious when before he didn’t like her at all reflects exactly what I felt in this moment, so I could relate to him very well.
Mary was a lot like Romilda in that I thought she was incredibly vain, but still felt sorry for her when she found out that Daniel would be marrying her best friend. Both Mary’s and Romilda’s stories were very sad and for all their differences alike in a way. Romilda might not have harmed herself like Mary did, but her behaviour towards her family (and I’m guessing towards everyone else) was just insufferable and sooner or later something would have happened to her because of it, if she didn’t change.
Archibald looked down at his granddaughter. What had he done to her? Why did he have to tell that story? He always knew what would happen, her having Daniel’s blood. It had happened. Does this mean this happened before? Who was attacked and why didn’t Romilda’s mother know about it? I don’t think she would have let her father tell this particular story if she had known her daughter could get attacked. Or is it just that he suspected she would be attacked, but there has been no actual attack on a member of the family before?
Even though she was only ten, already knew her mother was old-fashioned. I would repeat the pronoun ‘she’ after the comma, because there needs to be a subject in the main clause, I think.
“Well,” he exhaled, “that was the best I could some up with.” I believe you meant to write ‘come’ here.
I liked this story a lot, and even though it’s summer and birds are singing outside my window and it’s a lovely day, your story made me shudder and I felt the cold creeping down my spine. You probably won’t believe it but I actually jumped when a dog started barking outside just now…
Author's Response: Thanks so much for your lovely review, Ilka! :]
Oops! Sorry, I kind of messed up the italics codes D:
Author's Response: Haha, it's ok.
O.O I don't know about anyone else, but I know you scared me! *cringe*
I only found two errors in here, so yay!
Even though she was only ten, already knew her mother was old-fashioned.
There should be a 'she' between 'already' and 'knew'.
...so, but it a rattle of something from beyond the tomb and nothing anyone...
I didn't really understand this part. Perhaps there was a forgotten word between 'it' and 'a'? I'm not completely sure. Maybe I'm just not reading this correctly.
Your description of every person and event that took place was up to prefection, in my book at least. That is definitely a necessity to write a story such as this.
The rasping continued as the shadow mauled Romilda’s face, tearing at her eyes and lips and anything else it could touch with its stone-cold hands. The candle flickered and threatened to sputter out. The door to the bathroom shook as people outside the door tried to force their way in. Romilda cried again and tried, tried to do something.
*shudders* That is so creepily great. I can clearly see what's happening to Romilda in my mind and honestly, I wish that I couldn't because it's scaring me so much. Haha.
I like how you've characterized Romlida. Although we don't know a lot about her as she was barely mentioned in book six, we do know that she is forceful and demanding. You show that very clearly here and, although not really, you kind of give her a taste of her own medicine. Because she was so rude and ignorant, her grandfather told her the story and I'm quite sure she somewhat learned her lesson: never ask her granddad for stories, right? ;) Just kidding.
So, as a conclusion, this was a very good oneshot. I, although was very scared, enjoyed reading it. *pats Hanna* Good job!
Author's Response: *hugs Hayli* Thank you for the completely on-time review. :P
*squeaks* No reviews?! Not even one? I should have reviewed so much sooner! And it is such a lovely story and I truly did enjoy it — it deserves reviews!
I loved how you chose Romilda Vane of all people for this story. It seems like so many of the good horror films have women in them that are known for their vanity. They also have a small girl in it that likes to scream. And you’ve managed to get a character that’s both and even make them the main one! Just by knowing which character you chose can tell you what sort of scary story it is. I like how you used a traditional format — the telling of a story, the girl saying that it didn’t scare her — it’s a traditional ghost story, and I like it because you can follow the format easily and still wonder what’s going to happen.
I went all out to read this, you know.... I made sure to read it at night with the lights off, and put on my creepy music from the Batman Begins and De Vinci Code soundtrack. Although I guess that really doesn’t matter much, I felt like telling you how much I was anticipating a good scary story, and you definitely didn’t let me down!
You started off — excluding the very fist three words — happily, and cheery. I really liked this, because it automatically sets off the curiosity since you know it’s going to be scary. That’s the beauty of horror: the anticipation. And then throughout the story you have a repetition oh the same phrase, keeping the reader reminded of the mood.
Another thing I liked was that at the end you let the reader see fully what they had been anticipating for the entire story. Trust me, it gives you a lot of satisfaction!
I really, really enjoyed this for my story, and I couldn’t have imagined getting a better one. *huggles* Thank you SO much!
Author's Response: *huggles Eliza* Thank you so much for the review! I was sad that it had none, and now at least is has SOME company. *hugs again*