Sunray,

Wow! You captured Jonathan’s grief and emotions really well. His thoughts were disjointed yet following the same path; they fit the mood just right.

I thought that adding his need to protect his sister as he couldn’t protect Moire was genius! It added a new dimension to the story. It gave him some hope, which I think fit very well.

The imagery you used was beautiful. The description of the clouds and sky was amazing! It gave the story a different feel, it gave it something that the reader can connect with, something we all have seen and understand.

Some of his thoughts were a little odd and didn’t make complete sense. His thoughts seemed to get very philosophical and sounded a bit strange. I understood them, but they seemed a little out of place near the end of the story.

Also, in the last paragraph you capitalize ‘He’ when it wasn’t at the beginning of the sentence multiple times.

Overall, I thought it was good! You really did a great job!

~Leah

Author's Response: Ooh! Leah! *huggles* Thanks for the review!! I'm glad you liked it! I fixed up the mistake you pointed out. The philosophical thoughts at the end came from the influence of a song I was listening to. They are meant to be weird, because Jon is slowly losing touch with this world and then is brought back by Rose. Once again, thank you so so so much for the review! ~Sunray