MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Name: Dumbledore Prince
(Signed) · Date:
03/21/07 8:02 · For:
Wow. What a subdued yet powerful story! I like the way you show things in a reflective style that tells more - it's a hard feat to accomplish, and you have most certainly done so.
How long ago was it that she was fighting along side her two best friends? How long since she had held Ron while he was off in one of his drunken stupors?
This sort of reflective paragraph at the beginning is somewhat clichéd in Darkfics involving break-ups, but it fits well with the mood of this particular one-shot.
The actions of her parents and the Muggles was not entirely unexpected. Hermione's seeming lack of concern about their thoughts fits well with the darker tone of the books; it shows how even a Muggle-born can become distant from Muggle ways after spending nearly seven years at Hogwarts.
And there's not much to say about the Ron/Hermione break-up. Even though I'm a closet canon-shipper, I can't help feeling angry at Ron for his drunken ways and endless Harry admiration. I found it hard to believe, though, because not caring about Hermione is really OOC for him.
I also like the tasteful way you've handled the lovemaking scenes. They weren't too detailed, and details would have lessened the emotional impact of this story (and driven the rating up). As for constructive criticism, I have none to give, because your spelling and grammar are perfect.
“We’ll start a new one,” his warm breath weaved into her ear, “just as soon as you love me too.”
A lovely, hope-filled ending! Not something that I would expect in a D/A fic, but heartwarming nevertheless! Well done, Lex!
(Signed) · Date:
10/23/06 16:14 · For:
Finally I get a chance to sit down and write a review for this one-shot. I hope I thanked you for sending me the link to it, because I would probably never have come across it otherwise and that would have been terribly tragic for me. =)
Name: James is MINE
The introduction is very emotional, and you’ve done a great job of writing Hermione’s confusion and uncertainty. There are always a lot of feelings connected with weddings, and having Hermione thinking back when walking down the isle really gives the story a chance to be great.
As for the wedding, I think it’s very interesting that you chose to set it in the ruins of Hogwarts. I think I like the idea… though I’m still curious why a Weasley would get married there and not at the Burrow. And speaking of interesting, what at unusual detail to let the Forbidden Forest become a regular forest after the fall of Hogwarts. I would rather have expected it to turn even wilder, with the various creatures starting to spread over the old grounds. But I suppose it would have been a bit complicated to hold a wedding there if that had been the case. ;)
Oh, you make my heart bleed for Ron, sweaty alcoholic or not.
She stared at Ron, wondering where her love for him went. She felt betrayed, ridiculously betrayed, by his mortal love for Harry. It was not even a romantic love, but so obviously stronger than the one he held for her.
The first sentence there is so horribly sad, because it shows that Hermione’s been there for Ron as a friend long after she stopped loving him as a man. The two following lines are heartbreaking as well, and they make a lot of sense to me. I got me a real thinker when reading it, if canon!Ron actually loves Harry or Hermione more.
He faced her, shoulders sunken in, red-faced and sweaty. “He gave it up for us, and all you can do is whine and say how we should move on. Well there is no ‘moving on’! […] We are supposed to be stuck here!”
Evil, evil Lex! How can you paint such a scary version of Ron? It is praise for you, I guess, the fact that I’m shuddering and that I’m desperate to rush to his aid when you tell me what he looks like. Though… when I hear his words, it becomes clear to me that there is nothing I can do, nothing Hermione can do. Very scary. =(
The dress, if to be correct, would be as drenched with the blood of the dead as much as her virgin blood, so long gone to the boy with the dead eyes.
Oooh, mighty vivid mental images in Anna’s head! Bravo!
She, covered in dirt. He, covered in God-knew-what. But his kisses were sweet, pecking, gentle. He was not overwhelming. He held her left hand in his right as he cleansed her soul.
The first two sentences make me chuckle, but then I’m lost awww:ing at the wonderfulness that is Charlie Weasley. Oh, he’s just the perfect man for this kind of rescue mission. I love how he is tender and supportive, and how he holds her hand. The ‘as cleansed her soul’ is so… gah. It’s something about the fact that their bodies are covered in dirt (and God-knows-what), but he’s not doing anything about that; he’s busy cleansing her soul. Oh joy.
There were a few things here and there that did perhaps not disturb me as I read, but that could be removed to make this story perfect. They are just little things; I’m sure you could sort them out yourself with another read-through, or else have a beta to do it. For example:
“That’s right!” he shouted right back. - it looks a little off with two ‘right’ so close to each other.
Then, Charlie had come home for the Christmas holiday, looking healthy and happy….or happy enough, anyhow. - there’s a full stop after the ellipsis.
So, Hermione never told Charlie about the baby? And he still noticed the signs? Oh, that tells me of how he must have watched her, how he cares for her and really loves her. *happy sigh*
The end makes me love Charlie even more, and I think you made a good decision to have Hermione still confused and not entirely happy, but also gave us plenty of hope for the future. You have a wonderful fic here, Lex, and with some beta nitpicking it could be truly perfect. =)
Author's Response: *Squees!* I am blessed by a SPEW review! Thank you for taking the time to look at it! You are right. I need to get rid of the second 'right' in that sentence. I am very pleased that you enjoyed it, and I hope to provide you with worthy reading material in the future.
(Signed) · Date:
09/05/06 0:24 · For:
I really liked it. I wish you would be nice and continue it for those of us who enjoy it. Great job.!!!
(Signed) · Date:
09/04/06 21:11 · For:
Um can you say depressing? it was very well written but man mate. that was horrible! you have excellent language and honestly a beautiful style but the story was way to depressing for me.