MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Lily the Second (Signed) · Date: 01/28/08 16:21 · For: One-shot
oh my gosh! i love it! my two favorite charcters in an amazing story! oh my gosh! i'm speachless at this!

Author's Response: Oh thank you! I'm glad you liked it, I feel like it's a fic only some people can truly appreciate. Snape and Lupin are enigmas that only few can see as friends. Thank again for the review!

Name: red haired mom (Signed) · Date: 08/19/07 23:26 · For: One-shot
I just thought Severus saying Harry might screw it up was funny. The rest of it was sad and that comment right in the middle made me laugh. The rest of the hospital scene read just as you intended though. Not to worry. I just happen to like Severus' sense of humor.

Author's Response: Whew, I was panicked there for a second. I like that bit too...I mean Severus really just can't say he knows Harry will win it all because I mean really...that's just not him. Thanks :)

Name: red haired mom (Signed) · Date: 08/19/07 19:21 · For: One-shot
The whole rivalry between the Marauders and Snape was awful. But with the inclusion of Lily and Remus who didn’t see it as the others did, they were able to tone things down sometimes.
The feelings you are attributing to Remus seem to be exactly the things he would feel. Knowing what it is like for himself, how can he stand by and allow someone else to be ostracized or singled out for humiliation? He really can’t can he?
The use of Veritaserum should be closely monitored. I can believe Slughorn left them to do it on their own, but he should’ve stayed and watched them.
I think Remus should know his friends better after all of the time spent with them. He should know even telling what happened and stopping them from seriously hurting Severus, he was still a Marauder.
The ending, with them in the hospital wing again was so funny; I was laughing the entire time I was reading the conversation.
Then I wanted to cry when Severus died. I hate the stories when he dies.
You did a great job on this. The angst of being a teenager and wanting to belong is in everyone at some point. You managed to capture the lonely mentality of a werewolf and a sad troubled boy. Excellent work and I will see you soon at another…
I asked the banner maker who she is, but I haven’t gotten a reply yet. I will let you know if I get one.

Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review! I'm not entirely sure why you thought the end scene was funny? Was it poorly written? Unbelievable? Because it was certainly not supposed to be funny. As for Remus not knowing his friends well enough, he did know them but he was also seventeen , I mean he was thinking of the worst possible thing that could happen to him and was almost afriad to risk it.

Name: HedwigsChristie (Signed) · Date: 11/03/06 14:35 · For: One-shot
oh he died nooooooooo
very good kinda confusing when you explained that battle bit
and you are one of those people who can make emotinal endings
well done

Author's Response: Sorry for the confusion, I'll look over it again, thanks for the review.

Name: Rita Writer (Signed) · Date: 10/25/06 19:32 · For: One-shot

I would have reviewed a long time ago if I knew I was going to like your story so much!

Really, there were so many things that made this great, but I think the biggest one is how incredibly in character everyone is! Normally I don’t like reading about Snape — or Marauder fics in general, honestly (although Remus is probably my favorite). The plot wasn’t cliché, but it wasn’t too out-there either. What made it good was the trueness of it and how much it kept the characters’ personalities.

“Hello,” replied Severus tartly, pulling out his potion ingredients, “let’s not dally then.”
Just a little thing, but I think this sentence might sound better as two, the second one for the second dialogue. “Hello, let’s not dally then,” sounds a bit unnatural.

“That’s enough!” yelled Professor Slughorn, “no more work on the potions!...”
Same thing, but especially since the first sentence has an exclamation point.

“Do you want me to hold on to it or should…”Remus drifted off as Severus interrupted him, snatching the beaker of potion back from him.
I bet you see where the space should be. But also, I’d put a question mark at the end of the ellipsis.

I loved how you compared Snape and Remus to other seventeen-year-olds; it showed the similarities between them without being completely obvious and saying, “They were actually more alike than they thought.”

I think I’m going to put this on my favorites list.

Author's Response: Yay! Thank you for the review, it made me smile, and I needed a smile today!

Name: Ennalee (Signed) · Date: 09/24/06 0:34 · For: One-shot
I realized, after I finished my other review, that I had done one of your older stories, and thought it only fair to do something newer as well. I could tell within the first two paragraphs how much you’ve improved as a writer over the months in between. Your writing is clearer, it flows better, and is altogether more fun to read. That being said, this review is going to be much more critical than the last one, because I know you can handle it, and the better a story is, the more critical and nitpicky I get. Also, last time I looked at broader themes, so now it’s time for language. So rest assured that I really enjoyed your story, and prepare for nitpicks. ;)

To start with – the lovely and well-established literary device of Potions class partners. I can’t remember a single case of partnering up in Potions in canon, and yet somehow in fanfiction, Potions class always happens in pairs. It’s just too good a chance to pass up, I suppose, because it’s the perfect place to get people who wouldn’t otherwise interact to interact. You do it, I do it, everyone does it! Yay for Potions class! It’s funny, it’s one of the few non-canon clichés that really doesn’t bother me at all.

The assignment was to make Veritaserum. This feels like a very abrupt, choppy sentence - can you find a way to work it more smoothly into one of the sentences around it, or put some other information into the sentence? When you put in a short sentence solely for the sake of getting across a necessary piece of information, it often disrupts the story's flow. If you have to give boring details (and sometimes you have to), make them as exciting as possibly by sandwiching them among other important details. You do this very well in the first paragraph, where you have a nice balance between sensory details and scene setting. It's the same principle as describing characters or sensory information. Instead of saying "his eyes were green," refer to "his green eyes." Instead of saying, "The assignment was to make Veritaserum," see if you can work in a reference to Veritaserum, or put other detail in that sentence to distract the reader from the fact that you're feeding them necessary information. (That was a very long rant for a very short sentence – sorry! I like to explain why I think you should do things, rather than just saying that I think you should do them, and I’m not very good at being concise.)

He wasn’t one to point this out to the professor and get mauled by the students after class. Most characters would just say, "he wasn't one to point this out to the professor," implying that they don't want to be teacher's pets, or that they don't want more work. You totally change the focus by adding the next part, "and get mauled by the students after class," which implies that the reason he doesn't point it out is not fear of either of those, but instead fear of the other students. Wonderful example of subtly conveying character information.

Remus had always been very perceptive -- human emotions seemed easily translatable.Is this really necessary? You're telling us about Remus, but I think that he can speak for himself. When he asks Lily, it will be obvious that he is perceptive, and you'll avoid unnecessary clutter in your dialogue scene. You do a very good job of showing us Remus' personality here, so don't tell us as well. Later: However Remus wasn’t like most teenagers. (You need a comma after however.) Here as well, I'm not sure how much of this paragraph you need. Don't waste space reiterating too much of what your readers have already figured out. Make your readers pay attention to figure out what Remus is like, don’t just tell them.

He felt like he had just taken an arrow in the chest.This seems like a very random metaphor, unless he's been reading a lot of Robin Hood lately. Metaphors that fit a person's situation usually fit the story better, and are also less likely to be accused of being overly dramatic. How about "a bludger to the chest?"

Severus was just another person, and he really hadn’t done anything as horrendous to deserve what Sirius and James usually dished out. Should be: “anything horrendous enough.”

Something inside him had always instinctively told him to always despise Severus, but reflecting on this feeling it now seemed unfounded. You don’t need the second always. This feels more like Sirius and James, though perhaps Remus is just better at hiding it. At the same time, would Remus really have been as bothered by his friends' taunts and his own passive watching if he had an instinctive dislike of Severus? He does tell Harry in the sixth book that he does not dislike Severus.

“Why is it so important?” he asked her. This felt out of place to me. He had his realization earlier, and had a very extreme reaction to it - picturing all sorts of images, feeling deadly sick, ect - and then he turns around and asks why it's important? Lily's reaction bothered me a bit as well. It's not important because he's a person they ought to treat humanely, but because they'll need him some day? There's nothing wrong with her sentiments, but I think they need to be reprioritized. Perhaps you could start with the "doesn't everyone deserve a chance?" and then have her add, "besides, I think we're going to need him one day. I want him..."

… he and Lily walked back the Gryffindor tower and going to their respectable beds… “Going” should be “went.”

I really like your Snape – you have some great characterization moments. “It was a setup of some kind,” for example. Poor Snape, always jumping immediately to the worst conclusion. I was a little unsure of some of the moments in the first Hospital Wing scene, though. “One act of kindness hardly makes you my friend,” was pure Snape, but in the rest of it, I felt like he could have been a bit less ready to accept kindness. The one sentence that stuck out particularly was, “Why did you stop James from destroying me?” First of all, James should probably be Potter. But also, I’m not sure if Snape would admit to the fact that Remus saved him, or that James could have destroyed him. I imagine he'd be more vocal about his own abilities to protect himself, even if both he and Remus knew he couldn’t. After all, you saw him in his worst memory scene, when it was four to one without a chance to protect himself, and he refused to accept Lily’s help.

After all he spent too many late nights with the “Slug Club” eating crystallized pineapple and the occasional firewhiskey came up in the stories. You need a comma after “after all.” Also, “came up in the stories” doesn’t make sense in the context of the sentence.

Remus knew that James would not leave humiliated today but to hurt everyone else to gain glory, Remus knew it just wasn’t right. I got a bit lost in here. Do you mean “would not leave humiliated today, but would instead hurt everyone else to gain glory for himself?” Is James really out looking for glory in this case, or is he merely trying to save himself from embarrassment?

Beware of the ellipses – don’t let them take over in the end! Ellipses are like that, I’m afraid – you let one in and suddenly you have paragraphs full of them. I spent about twenty minutes the other day just removing ellipses from chapter eight of my story. ;)

So now that I’ve completely overwhelmed you with random pickiness…>.> Sorry. I really enjoyed seeing Remus and Snape interact, and as I already mentioned at least twice, I really like what you did with Snape. Ever since the scene in OotP, I’ve been fascinated by the relationship between the two of them, and I love the way you somehow managed to stick Lily into the middle of it. You have some great ideas in here; friendship and forgiveness being two of my favorite themes, which unfortunately are not dealt with in fiction nearly as much as romance and revenge. (Note my alliteration! Purely accidental.) And I like that Remus and Severus don’t magically become friends, that Remus’ step doesn’t fix everything, and yet that they can still reach a resolution in the end. I’d go on for a long time in this vein, but this review is already waaay out of control, so I’ll just thank you for the enjoyable story!

Author's Response: Wow, I am again amazed at your thorough review. Thank you so much, I definately will talk to you about this one too. We'll have a little chat. You are definately amazing.

Name: KenTuck (Signed) · Date: 09/06/06 16:02 · For: One-shot
Wow, that was a very touching story. I especially liked that all your canon was up to date. This was very interesting and kept me completely enthralled.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the kind review. I have a lot of thanks to my beta who keeps the whip out when I mess up my canon.

Name: I lovesmesomeHarry (Signed) · Date: 09/05/06 23:29 · For: One-shot
that was nicely written. a few spelling mistakes but they didn't detract from the story.

Author's Response: Thank you for the constructive review, I will have to go through and see if I can pick them out.

Name: Amarie (Signed) · Date: 09/04/06 22:42 · For: One-shot
Hey, I see that you have no reviews, and I can't help but wonder why. I thought it was really good, well-written, true to character, and an interesting idea. It's nice to see things like this, things that we may never see in the actual books. Good job and good luck with future writing. :)

Author's Response: Wow, thank you very much for such a kind review. This was actually just accepted and it was quite a pleasant surprise this morning to find it accepted and with a lovely review. Thank you.

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