MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: tapdancer (Signed) · Date: 08/09/08 22:48 · For: One-shot
good but really sad!

Author's Response: Thank you.

Name: blueskullsday (Signed) · Date: 09/20/06 4:22 · For: One-shot
that was really amazing... i think that's the first tme i've cried at fan fiction

Author's Response: Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.

Name: Starmaiden (Signed) · Date: 09/07/06 19:53 · For: One-shot
It’s great to see an angsty story here. Variety is good, and this section is still relatively small. It’s cool to see it growing!

Immediately, the inner shields of her mind shot up, trying to prevent the Nile sized river of memories from flowing forwards. If she didn’t, Tonks was sure she would end up with tears in her eyes.
There’s a lot in this section here. To start with, I like the metaphor you used (the “Nile-sized river”) and the mental shields that Tonks has built. I do think it needs a dash, because dashes generally connect things like that. Also, with talking about the river of tears, your second sentence (“Tonks was sure…”) is somewhat redundant. The first sentence makes it clear, I think, that she’s near to crying.

“Quiet!” hushed Sirius Black in a not so quiet voice himself.
Again, you need dashes here: “…in a not-so-quiet-voice himself.”

Tonks looked up sheepishly from her fallen position next to the knocked over rubbish bins. “I tripped?” She stated almost questioningly as a timid laugh escaped her.
I don’t see Tonks as laughing timidly. A “little” or “small” laugh, maybe, if that’s what you’re going for, but timid implies something that Tonks isn’t.

”Can we talk about this in private?” questioned Remus, losing confidence quickly as the Molly and Arthur Weasley stood up for Tonks’ opinion.
The quotation mark at the beginning is backwards, but that’s minor. You have an extra “the” before “Molly and Arthur”. I suggest replacing it with “both” – it’d make the flow better.

Tonks laced her fingers through her mousy brown hair. “Protection is overrated,” she mumbled lowly.
Again, you might use a word other than “lowly”. I’m thinking you’re looking for a feeling of “quietly” or “softly”. I do like the imagery of Tonks playing with her hair – it conveys nervousness, or just unhappiness, or both.

“Any other time, maybe- just maybe -this might work, but not now. Dumbledore’s dead and the world is about to be blown full circuit. To top that off, I’m a bloody werewolf! You would be in an even more hostile situation if you were with me.”
I like this a lot. It’s a lot more passionate than most people portray Remus, but I think it’s fair. He bottles things up so often, why not let it out now and then? Especially on something he feels so much about.

In defeat, Remus nodded accepting the terms.
There should be another comma between “nodded” and “accepting”. It’s cute how Tonks just wears Remus down into accepting them, together.

It was a mutual adornment between the pair.
I’m not sure what “adornment” means here. I usually think of something physical, like jewelry. It seems a bit odd to me.

Swivelling first through the empty eye socket and then through the mouth, a reluctant serpent made its majestic appearance. It truly was the image of death.
The adjectives “reluctant” and “majestic” don’t seem to mesh for me. I don’t see something that looks like evil death being majestic, or reluctant (considering Voldemort). Of course, this is rather subjective, so it’s your choice.

The world hadn’t even hesitated on that infamous day. The sun unbelievably rose the following morning, and the moon followed suit that night.
Very nice. It really conveys the depth of Tonks’ anguish – how can the earth still turn without Remus?

Good job. A little shaky on grammar, perhaps, but a good core and good expression. Keep on writing!

Author's Response: *gapes* Wow. Wonderful review, by the way. I went back and fixed all of the mistakes. Thanks for the review!

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