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Reviews For A New Day

Name: PheonixFlamesForever (Signed) · Date: 05/26/08 12:58 · For: A New Day

I'm here to do some reviewing :]

They were not by lake I think you mean, They were not by the lake That's just a pesky typo though.

In this segment She was rushing around the hospital wing, tending to the wounded while the battle raged on the grounds. I think you portray Molly as a bit OOC. I firmly believe that Molly would be out there fighting the batlle and be with her family as thats the way she has always tried to let it be. I also think that the way you have Molly calling her children her babies is a little OOC as well. I think Molly would only say things like that in the heat of the moment and now when everything has calmed down, she would become much more sedate and practical.

I do believe this story is very sweet though and shows a mothers love very strongly. I feel that Molly is OOC for a lot of the story, though Arthur seems to stay IC.

You have wonderful description in the first paragraph and it really helps paint the picture of how it would look.

Overall, great first fanfic :]
Pheonix Tears / PheonixFlamesForever

Name: Binka Fudge (Signed) · Date: 11/18/07 12:51 · For: A New Day
I'm glad this was written before Deathly Hallows, I much prefer your ending, Fred was my favourite twin. Hope you keep writing. Thanks

Name: Julian Lane (Signed) · Date: 09/14/07 3:25 · For: A New Day
I thought it was good but i think you should either let people know that it discounts book 7.

Name: Julian Lane (Signed) · Date: 09/14/07 3:25 · For: A New Day
I thought it was good but i think you should either let people know that it discounts book 7.

Name: Shortone (Signed) · Date: 07/30/07 23:11 · For: A New Day
awwww, that was such a sweet story... i love how you had ron and hermione and ginny and harry... they definitly deserved a good long nap!

Name: Shortone (Signed) · Date: 07/30/07 23:08 · For: A New Day
awwww, that was such a sweet story... i love how you had ron and hermione and ginny and harry... they definitly deserved a good long nap!

Name: GK_Lovecraft (Signed) · Date: 05/09/07 16:50 · For: A New Day
I like this. It reminds me of this short film called "80s Ending" which was basically the last five minutes of every 80s movie that was ever made (the heroes were in a band, they beat the jocks, got the hot girls, saved the orphanage, etc). This is the Harry Potter equivilant of that. And it's so hard not to love the Weasley family to begin with. This is nice because it shows a little more of Molly and Arthur. Keep writing!

Name: I so want 2 b magic (Signed) · Date: 04/11/07 15:49 · For: A New Day
aww that is so sweet. it made me shiver

Name: Tam Nella (Signed) · Date: 03/15/07 10:37 · For: A New Day
i really liked this, very good feeling, and its how we all hope every thing ends

Name: Ennalee (Signed) · Date: 08/27/06 21:39 · For: A New Day
I love stories about Molly. She’s such a fun character, bossy and caring, worried and comforting all at the same time. You did a good job of capturing that, and I loved the way the story moved gradually from the desolation of the battleground, through Molly’s memories, and to the quiet warmth of Molly and Arthur under the tree. Very smooth, and very fun to read!

On the purely technical level, you obviously have a good command of language and know how to set the scene. In places, however, it seems a bit stilted; it’s not because of your subject or your wording – I think that varying your sentence structure a bit more would do a lot towards helping your writing flow. At the moment, you have a lot of sentences which start the same way: a noun followed by a verb. “She scanned…she had seen…she was afraid…she headed…she passed.” This is an easy trap to fall into, but it’s also very easily fixed. When you have a lot of sentences that start in the same way, a story will start to degenerate into a list. Repetitive things are more easily disregarded; if you want the reader to pay attention you need to be constantly changing things, even (or especially) little things like sentence structure that they won’t notice.

Another thing you might try is playing around with sentence length. Your sentences tend to run on the short side, which isn’t a bad thing (I tend to have hopelessly long and convoluted sentences which confuse people terribly). However, when every sentence is short (or long) it has the same effect as when every sentence starts with the same word – the reader gets bored. You can liven things up by varying the sentence lengths. If you mix up your long sentences with your short sentences, both will be more effective. I think that a lot of your shorter sentences could be very easily combined into longer sentences. For example, you started a couple different sentences with conjunctions (“and” or “but,” mostly) – in general, though we use these to start speaking all the time, they shouldn’t be used to start sentences in formal writing. (Who makes up these rules? I have no idea.) The places where you started with conjunctions could be easily merged into the preceding sentences, for the most part.

Sorry for rambling on about technique – I’m an English major, and tend to get caught up in issues of syntax and diction. Two typos, and then I’ll move on to more fun stuff. “The darkness had past” should be “the darkness had passed.” “She motioned for him to remain quite.” “Quite” should be “quiet.” Don’t you hate those ones that slip by spell-check?

I enjoyed your description of the wizarding celebration of Voldemort’s defeat – very Rowling-esque given the way they celebrated in the beginning of the first book. “Never again could anyone truly say that her family was a disgrace to the name of wizardry.” Great sentence, and so true! It’s about time the Weasleys get some recognition. Your story definitely improves as it goes on; the end flows very well, and there’s nice variety of sentence structure and length in there. The ending was very sweet – I loved seeing Arthur and Molly have some quality time together, and I think you captured their relationship wonderfully. Thanks for the fun read!

Author's Response: Thanks for such the awsome response. It is really great to get a review that has some depth to it. I appreciate the suggestions to help me improve my wiriting. Thanks again!

Name: Chamelion (Signed) · Date: 08/26/06 0:35 · For: A New Day
I like. You make all the characters very human; very real.

Author's Response: That's what I was trying for. Thanks for the awesome review!

Name: KitKat517 (Signed) · Date: 08/25/06 18:42 · For: A New Day
Awww. . .this was very cute! I loved it!

Author's Response: Thanks!

Name: Just Tink (Signed) · Date: 08/25/06 18:24 · For: A New Day
wow. absolutely... wow. This is the only story of it's kind that I have ever read, but I absolutely loved it. It was bittersweet, with just the right amount of tenderness and emotion and... wow. just wow. great job!

Author's Response: Yay!

Name: _Just_Me_ (Signed) · Date: 08/25/06 18:08 · For: A New Day
Awwww!!!!! This is cute! I hope that you'll make another story with the weddings!

Author's Response: Thanks so much. I will definitely have to think about the wedding story.

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