Oh, thank goodness! I was terrified she'd get caught. The brain room is rather fascinating, isn't it? And I think your explanation of what they do in there is much less revolting than many others i've heard. This was brilliant, oh and I hate Owen too, hope Lily does change jobs in the department.
nicely done! i'm going to have to read more of your stories :)
Wow, that was cool -- you had romance, intrigue, mystery, and suspense, all in one story! Nothing was overdone (or underdone, for that matter); it was quite believable. I was drawn in from the beginning, but was too impatient to stop to review until now!
And it had a very interesting concept, too. Lily stealing Dumbledore's memory from the DoM so they could get Snape on their side? Wow, I applaud your creativity -- that's some twist!
I love the way you portrayed Lily and James. They aren't too sappy sweet, they aren't living together, but they are clearly in love with each other. James waking Lily up and making her breakfast was very precious; I loved that. I also really liked that they still fought with each other. After all, they fought a lot at Hogwarts -- why should that suddenly change, just because they are in love? *winks*
James was pacing back and forth in her apartment and when he heard the pop that signaled her arrival he gripped her so hard she thought she might bruise.
“Lily! Are you all right? Are you hurt at all? Are you safe?”
“James, I’m fine, you can let go of me.” Lily grimaced as she rubbed her arms where he’d grabbed her. “I thought you’d ask if I had the memory — that’s certainly more important than my well-being at this time.”
“Don’t be silly,” James said, stroking her hair and pulling her close to him. “You’ll always be the most important to me.”
That part was so sweet. Lily, being the practical one, but James, as the one left to worry, is ... well, worried! Great job.
I was sad to see that this story was over. I'd love to see more James and Lily written this way!
Oh, good. Now I have a few things to say about this fantastic chapter before I actually talk about the story. :)
You see, this chapter accomplished several things that were just brilliant! First, it showed how insecure the DoM is - which leads into OOTP, actually. Second, it shows the instincts of the Unspeakables (namely, Sally) are intact.
I really enjoyed this, and I liked seeing more of Bode. However, to me, it seems that if he were really this watchful, he wouldn't have gotten in trouble in canon and been put in St. Mungo's. ;)
Anyway, I, as always, loved the starting off Lily/James. You're really making me start to LIKE this pairing.
Overall, this story wasn't a hard read. The plot wasn't overly complex, and there weren't many surprises along the way.
However, this is a perfect exhibition of the Lily/James ship, of your characterization, and of your style.
A nice, simple romantic adventure. It brightened my day, and reinforced my belief that Lily/James is the only canon ship I will ever fully support. :P
Thank you, CA. This was lovely.
P.S. One nitpick. I rather like the last line without the 'and.' You may want to consider that. :)
Sepulchrally - I love that word. *grin* Again, I'm absolutely in awe of your Lily/James dynamic. They're just sweet enough to be cute, yet arguing enough that we still see the Lily and James of their younger years. :)
I also really liked how you incorporated Bode, and your characterization of Frank was just lovely. However, I have trouble believing that an Unspeakable would be so trusting. I would think that they're trained to not reveal everything from the get-go.
Also, I just noticed Lily's fascination with minutes. In the first chapter, things like 4:03 pm, and in this chapter...47 minutes behind schedule. That's quite an interesting character trait, and I'm glad you added it. It gives her a bit of uniqueness from what we see in canon.
I have no nitpicks this chapter. Your mechanics are impeccable. :)
Great work! *scurries to next chapter*
First of all, I must applaud the way you slip tiny bits of characterization in! That bit with Owen attempting a cheek peck was just lovely! :) In a few short words, a barely noticed detail, we learn a lot about his character.
I also really love the bantering romance that Lily and James have. You reall yknow their pairing and the relationship dynamics well. I enjoyed it very much.
Now, for the nitpicks.
The change to address a man vs. woman in "fiancee" and "fiancé" was very clever. However, the correct spelling of the latter does not have an accent on the 'e,' I believe. :)
“Lily my bonny lass! How are you this fine morning!” Lily requires a comma after it - noun of direct address.
That's it! Lovely chapter - great style and characterization. I can't wait to see what happens.
That was very cool! You did a great job building suspense in this chapter, I thought for sure Lily would get caught, but she pulled it off nicely.
First though, I once again thought the interaction between James and Lily at the beginning was very well done, particularly because it showed both their flaws with the little tiff they had; real people are like that, and sometimes author's forget that. Again at the end you had James ask about Lily first, and then the memory, and that was very good also. You write James and Lily very well!
I liked Sally's character, and Croaker as well. I think you did a great job with Bode, since we the readers know he is the spy - you had subtle hints, but nothing obvious. I was really surprised when Lily Obliviated Owen, but she had to and it was well done.
I thought this story was very original and well researched. I'm so glad I read it! Now, what was the memory that Lily retrieved?? Is there a story there as well?
Great job, and good luck with your future writing!!
~The Order of Ravenclaw House Elves
Great job describing the Brain Room and the way things are done there. I love the character of Owen back in Potions, he's fun. :) I think you've done a good job of incoporating canon research so far, it's very solid! I am really wondering how Lily is going to manage this, and of course I hope we get to see the memory as well! I'm guessing she is off to borrow the Invisibility Cloak, so I'm off to read the next part! Great job!
~The Order of Ravenclaw House Elves
Hi there! This is a wonderful start, I wish I had read this story over the summer! I loved the beginning interaction between James and Lily, it was very sweet. I also liked seeing Lily at work in the DoM. And the idea of her stealing one of Dumbledore's memories from the Brain Room is just fascinating! Off to read more!
~The Order of Ravenclaw House Elves
Wow like an original idea, I've never read anything with a story like this. I like how much you managed to pack in to such a short fic-- Lily and James, Lily and Severus, Lily's work, Lily's confidence and nervousness issues--although I always thought of Lily as super bold and confident, she's a Gryffindor after all. Goodness, and all done so sweetly subtlely. I enjoyed it very much.
Author's Response: Thanks so much! Thanks for reviewing, too. I really appreciate your review. I guess I forgot that Lily was a Gryffindor - I would've been a quivering blob of nervousness in her shoes, so I guess having her work at all was brave to me. Thanks again for your review! *D*
Let me start out by saying that I really liked this first chapter. It was just ingaging enough to make want to come back for more, but not overly action packed that it becomes annoying. It was a nice introduction of the characters you are using and the plot line that you are planning to take.
I think that you've got Lily very in character, and the job you chose for her is very interesting, something I can see her choosing for herself. However, I thought that Dumbledore was just a tad OOC. Maybe it was just because he is being written in a situation that is more serious than we usually see him in, but he just didn't seem to have that little spark that Dumbledore needs to make him fully characterized. But really, I think that Dumbledore is one of the hardest canon characters to write; I have a lot of trouble with him myself.
So nice job, and keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Dumbledore IS hard, I have to agree with you there. I'm sorry he didn't quite "work" for you -- he was a little tricky in this scenario to work with; if you've read my Poppy story I think he's a little more in character there. I'm glad you liked Lily's character, though; I don't usually work with her. thanks so much for your review! *D*
Intresting...you really got me wondering what 's going to happen when she tried to get that memory. I've never read anything with Lily and James out of Hogwarts, but I have to say this is a very good, in character story.
However, I'm going to be a nitpick and point out a typo...
He .looked at her over his spectacles.
The period right before looked shouldn't be there...but I'm sure that was an innocent typo.
Otherwise, very good!
Author's Response: Thanks for your review! What a weird typo...wonder how that happened. *ponders the wisdom of writing at 10 at night* I'm wondering what happened, too -- Lily hasn't told me that part yet. Expect it sometime today, though!
That is a nice story;It was really fun to read about the brain room again!Please write another chaper;I want to find out more about proffessor Dumbledores memory, and how Lily get's it!
Author's Response: Don't worry, I'll write another chapter. I need to decide what this memory is (either that or Lily needs to tell me) and she's sitll not sure how she's going to get it, but we'll find out later today! Thanks for your review!