Well, Gabby, that was quite a piece of writing. It's not the happiest of endings, though your way is more unique than most so it gives this fic an edge. I have to comment on the beginning. For the most part Sirius was as in character as he could be. But I thought the first paragraphs that included his thoughts flowed a little awkwardly. Honestly, I don't Sirius would have minded taking Bella out. Not just for fun or no cause but they were in a battle and Sirius knows his loyalties. So, in this instance I don't think Sirius would have hesitated if he had been given the chance.
I thought your explanation of the veil was entrancing. Honestly, I've never considered that to be a possibility. You've certainly opened my mind. I’ll admit it was very saddening to think of all those poor souls that are stuck there for the rest of eternity, especially Sirius, but you made it work. Great job, it was a lovely read.
Author's Response: Thank you for such a wonderful review :)
I love your writing style. The beginning is so descriptive, and the words flow rather effortlessly. It was enticing, the words just drawn you in. I particularly like the way you describe the 'nothing.'
The concept of the 'souls of ghosts' being behind the Veil is a very intriguing one as well. It's an interesting theory.
The beginning is a little choppy at the beginning, but it is still good. The only thing that bothered me was the sentence:
Bella is family, no matter how much I hate to admit it. I could never kill family.
I'm almost pretty sure that Sirius hated Bella as much as she hated him. Other than that, you're characterization of Sirius is perfect. =]
You did a great job!
~mugglemathdork/Knight of the Turnip Table
Author's Response: Thanks!
woah......that was so good.
Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for the review! :)
Very interesting story!
Author's Response: Thank you!
This story smells like an elderly lady's dentures that haven't been brushed in 49 days.
But I LOVE IT!!!!!!
You are an amazing writer! You are my idol! BFFE!!11!!!1
Author's Response: Enthusiasm much??!!
Oh, dear...I really like it, I do. It's just, Sirius is one of my favorite characters and now he'll never be able to get back! :(
Very well written, however, and it explains why some people choose to remain behind as ghosts. So then, I suppose part of Professor Binns is left here, too?
Dane is slightly scary, isn't he? A bit morbid...although if I'd fallen through the veil, I would be too!
Very nice story; I enjoyed reading it.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you found my theory interesting.
There is no bottom or top of nothing. While this sentence is beautifully eloquent, I would suggest changing the ‘of’ to ‘to’.
leaving a ringing silence so quiet that I would almost prefer the echo. I would suggest adding ‘have’ between would and prefer in this sentence.
Now that the minor corrections to grammar and such are out of the way, I can gush! Gabby, it’s utterly brilliant. I adore your take on the ‘beyond the veil’ experience. I would very much love to hear more about Dane – I hope he features in many stories to come. You could develop him incredibly well and make him a truly unique, interesting character.
I thought your plot was well-developed, though I would have liked to have seen more of the ‘half souls’ – the ones who were afraid, for whatever reason. You’ve given the veil a sense of purgatory, which is very interesting and grabs the reader’s attention. I also think you’ve captured Sirius’ character wonderfully.
He looked at me to answer. His expression was excited, like he had been longing for company and I had finally given it to him. The imagery here is very concise. I can see the look on Dane’s face as he begins to realise what having Sirius around will mean for him.
On the whole, this piece is exceptionally well-written, especially given the time frame in which I know you were working. You have a wonderful gift, Gabby, of making the reader see the things you write. I look forward to many more stories from you. Congratulations on a challenge well met. Oh, and Welcome to Gryffindor!
Author's Response: Maybe I'll write 'Dane's story' when I have some free time! Thanks sooooo much for the amazing review! All of the rest of you, Take Kasey's review and make one like it!!
Author's Response: thanks
Wow! You gave amazing description of Sirius' feelings. That is also a realistic theory of what is behind the veil. Great job! I can't wait to read more from you!
Author's Response: I was worried that no one would like it!! Thanks for the review!! You rock my socks, Leah!! -Gabby
Wow, this was very intresting. I expecally liked the last line, it was a rather funny ending to a very serious story. You do both very well, it seems.
The only thing that got me was in the beginning, the pronoun I was repeated constantly. While I'm not sure if you could change that for the better, repeatition tends to get to me and so I noticed it and thought I might point it out.
Otherwise, it was very good!
Author's Response: Thank you a super lot for the review. Wow. You're right. I do use I a lot. I don't think I could find a wayto fix it though. -Gabby
I was so glad to see that this got accepted. I have been waiting to see something of your posted since I see you in the Forums so much...
You did an excellent job with the description of "life" after the veil. I could almost feel my feet against the oddness of the 'floor'.
I really liked how you described Sirius' recollections and his panic at the thought of not knowing what was happening.
I'm a bit confused as to why there was only one other person behind the veil, but I never really thought about how many people had fallen through it. Of course Sirius couldn't be the only one...
My favorite part was the explanation of where the voice came from. The idea of part of a ghost being left behind is intriguing.
Author's Response: I'm so excited I can't even think straight!!! I'm so glad you liked it. It was actually pretty easy for me to imagine the nothing and all that, but the hard part was getting the descriptions on paper...er... computer. It's good to hear that my hard work wasn't put to waste. THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH FOR THE REVIEW! -Gabby