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MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: callmehermione (Signed) · Date: 08/29/06 1:10 · For: Chapter 1
The beginning is positively brilliant. It makes the reader curious and confused by the mystery, a great way to begin a stoyr. She gasped, the tightness of her corset made it all the more harder to breathe. I think this sentence would have better flow if it said 'all the more difficult'. Harder makes it feel like a double negative.

First of all, I love the idea of this story. The mention of Doge at the beginning was completely captivating.

Merchant ships arrive with their usual array of spices and other good. Did you mean to say 'arrived' and 'goods'?

"The Doge is a lover of art and firmly believe that artists ought to be allowed their eccentricities,” he tipped his cap, “playing the part of an eccentric artist just came naturally for me.” I love the characterisation you added here. The carefree spirit of your character makes everything very interesting. And I love the venetian words, too.

Bianca and Black. They're perfect opposites.

The part with the mask is emotional and sad. It's confusing at first, but once understood, it's heartbreaking. She saw the future and went to the only person who could deny it to her.

Lovely job, Miel. The story flows together into a web of memories and sadnesses, and it's beautiful. Oh, and I love the flavour of original fiction you've added as well!

Author's Response: Delaney!

Thanks for that great review. I'll go correct that double negation.

*lol* I know what you mean I sometimes even confuse myself as to where I'm going whilst writing this.



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