Hello my fellow Slytherin! :)
This was a lovely little read. I really quite liked the way you described the action. It would have been nice to see more of Sirius’ guilt show though, or at least more of his thoughts. Though I understand why you didn’t place that in there, too.
He was no pet at all; he was a perfectly trained wizard. A wizard who had just escaped from the worst place ever constructed on this Earth.
I adored this part. I just really liked the way that you phrased it. A couple nitpicks, though just small things:
From the moment he has seen this
Has should be had.
From the moment he has seen this newspaper, he knew what he had to do: kill that hideous rat, that man he used to call a friend many years ago: Peter Pettigrew.
First off, I love this sentence. Secondly, the second colon should probably be a period. It would have more emphasis and would allow for a better flow.
Back then, he thought he had had the most brilliant idea of his life; he was so sure they would be safe in the hands of Peter.
I loved this because it very much reads like the way Sirius would put it.
He has waited thirteen years for his revenge, he could wait for another twenty four hours
Again, has should be had because you are using past tense.
And then, everything happened really fast: Harry fell over his trunk and a bright light appeared, illuminating the whole street.
Should be a semicolon instead of a colon.
He disappeared at the end of the alleyway, leaving Harry to stare in wonder at an empty spot.
Lovely ending line, dear! I really enjoyed reading this. You had an interesting take on that scene, showing it from Sirius’ point of view was really quite clever. I look forward to reading more of your work!
Author's Response: Well, hello there! Thank you very much for your review Miss Haylee! Every time I get a review for this fic, I'm amazed that people still read it after all this time (that's the first HP fic I wrote). So you totally made my day! About the nitpicks, the funny thing about it is that I reread that fic the other and noticed the mistakes you mentionned to me about my use of the past tense. But I forgot about them and didn't do the editing. So now I'll go do it! I thought seeing this scene from Sirius' point of view would bring a new perspective to what we already knew, so that's why I did it. I'm glad that reading Eye Contact made you want to discover my other fics!
What a lovely little snapshot! I don’t think I’ve ever read a story where this scene is written in Sirius’ POV before, so this version was both new, informative and refreshing. Very well written, well done Viv! :)
One of my favourite things about your style of writing in this story is the tone. I love the way that you vary the lengths of sentences with short snappy parts and some longer parts. It gave me a real sense of ‘Sirius’ – the style of the prose seemed extremely in character, both for Sirius as we know him and how I imagine him to be having only just come out of Azkaban, with so many new revelations and experiences. I really like how you’ve begun this story – you tell us the exact time and situation which is interesting to see! :)
My only criticism of this is just to watch out for overuse of conjunctive words such as ‘and’ and ‘but’ at the start of sentences. This is really good when varying the pace of the story, but overuse kind of takes away some of this effect and make the writing sound a bit unfinished.
But now that he was a free man again, he wanted to make sure Harry was doing fine, that he was becoming a great wizard.
I found this line so touching! I really felt a sense of Sirius’ emotions in this story, I could see that he felt anger towards Pettigrew, incredible guilt towards Lily and James, but above all he cared for Harry’s wellbeing, despite the fact that he hadn’t in fact seen Harry for a long time. To escape from Azkaban and search for Harry straight away really shows this. Though Sirius knows that there is very little he can do for Harry at this present moment, he still wants to reassure himself that Harry is okay. This sense of caring really shows through in your writing, well done!
Right now, he was probably thinking that Sirius was the worst thing walking on this Earth.
I love your emphasis of ‘thing’! Though Harry doesn’t yet know about the situation surrounding his parent’s death, I think that Sirius could probably imagine how Harry would feel – the man who betrayed his parents could hardly be human, etc. Whoah.
This is it, he thought, you must go. For Lily and James. And Harry.
Wow. This is very touching! It’s nice to see when Sirius knows that there is no more he can do, and he must wait for the right time to meet Harry again when that comes. I love your use of short sentences here, it’s extremely effective and emotional.
This is a great story, very original and well written! Well done Viv! *huggles*
&& you have the honour of being the first person I ever reviewed as an SPEWer. Teehee. *squish*
Author's Response: Oh God. Now I feel incredibly bad. I was so sure that I had responded to your review a while ago! But I just realized that I hadn't! Shame on me! Especially with the fact that it is a great and long review... I'm terrible. First of all, I want to say thanks! I'm really happy that you liked my fic and that my writing style didn't annoy you. I know that some people don't like the effect created by long and short sentences put together like that, but when I wrote it, it just had to be that way. Sirius was experiencing many emotions and frustrations, so I guess it had to come out a bit "messy". We all knew that Sirius really cared about Harry and through out the series, his affection for him motivated pretty much all his actions. So I kind of focused on that and wanted the story to get a feel of the love he had for his godson. I'm happy that it touched you. I am honored to be the "owner" of your first SPEW review! :) Thank you again! *huggles*
Sirius is amazing. Just had to say that. Anyway, I really like the idea behind this one-shot. It's a very unique idea, although surprisingly simple.
I think you did a fantastic job with Sirius's characterization. The mixture of the guilt and curiosity was the exactly perfect proportion. I liked how he kept bringing everything back to Peter's betrayal, and consequently how it made him feel like it was his fault. It really hit his motives for everything he did head on.
He had to make up for his mistake, to avenge his best friends’s death. Small typo here. There's an extra 's' in friend's. I'm assuming you were referring to James, so it would be friend's. Although, if you were talking about James and Lily, then it's friends'.
He has waited thirteen years for his revenge, he could wait for another twenty four hours. Very small nit-pick that some people don't even bother with anymore. There should be a hyphen between twenty and four. Sorry, pet peeve.
Was he well treated? Did he have some complicity with his aunt and uncle? Sirius sighed heavily at this thought, doubting that he would ever have the opportunity to share some good moments with his godson. This is my favorite excerpt that supports Sirius's wonderful characterization. I love how he seems to constantly be asking questions and reevaluating his thoughts. Through all these questions, he almost seems to realize exactly how much he has missed during his stay in Azkaban. Poor Sirius.
He disappeared at the end of the alleyway, leaving Harry to stare in wonder at an empty spot. I really like the ending. It kind of leaves the reader wondering but then not really. After all, we know what happens, but it just has the feeling... Almost like we're missing something. Does that even make sense? I feel like it needs to be expanded a bit on.
In certain parts, I feel like it should have been expanded on. Like, how did Sirius feel when he caught Harry's eyes? Overall though, it was really well written.
Author's Response: How comforting it is to see a new review for this fic! It was my first one you see! It was for an in-house challenge, someone gave the idea and I wrote it. We knew Sirius was focused on finding Peter, it was his ultimate motive to escape from Askaban, so I knew I had to show how angry he was with him, but also angry with himself. He had pushed the Potters to choose Peter instead of him, so somehow he must've feel guilty... And yes, I thought "poor Sirius" too when I made him think about all he had missed while in prison. About the typo, I was refering to James and Lily, so it's friends. And I didn't know about the hyphen between twenty and four. Thanks for the hint! You're right, I could've expanded the end and talk about Sirius' feelings when he saw Harry. Now that you mention it, I don't know why I didn't do it. It would have completed the whole thing nicely... Oh well, what is done is done! Thank you for your wonderful review, it is really appreciated!
I like the POV you used, and Sirius's emotions seemed right on point.
I really enjoyed reading it. great job!
Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed your reading! Thanks for your review!
Now THAT was a point of view that I have never seen. It was a nice change and very nicely written.
Author's Response: That's exactly what I wanted to do with this story, to explore a new point of view. I'm happy you enjoyed it! Thanks for your review.
Excellent idea, great story!
Author's Response: Thank you for your review!
That was really well done - you captured the moment perfectly - good job! xxx
Author's Response: I'm happy that you think I did a good job on this one! Thanks for reviewing!
It's nice to see a different POV for that night. This was good, Viv. Sorry, for not writing anything too long but it's really late. But yeah, good job!
Author's Response: Thanks a lot! I'm glad you liked it!
I think that you really caught the emotions that Sirius had to be feeling when he saw Harry. It was fun seeing his yearning to see Harry, and the boy he had become.
Author's Response: I really enjoyed writing this one-shot because of all the emotions I could bring in. Thanks for your review!
BRAVO! Please expand!!!!!!!
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! Thanks!