I think I love Tim even more now than I did after Chapter 1. Although he takes a more passive role in this and the Fachen are the main focus of the chapter, I found him to be simply adorable. His heightened senses are fun, but I like that he still can’t make out Sorcha’s true intentions, even though he has those heightened senses now. His mistrust of her at the beginning of their meeting was somehow endearing, but he does come around and trust her pretty fast.
Sorcha is an intriguing character, I’d like to see more of her and find out a bit of her past. Her reaction when Remus told her that Severus killed Dumbledore made me think that Severus and Sorcha had some kind of a relationship, not necessarily of a romantic nature, but they were more than mere acquaintances or she wouldn’t have reacted the way she did. This little remark was a brilliant way to tie the story into canon and tell us exactly when it takes place, which is good for someone like me who never reads warnings and thus can’t tell if a story picks up after HBP or if it is book 6 disregard.
Dagnarus is love! I absolutely loves his appearance in the chapter. It provided a nice break from the general mysteriousness and impending darkness of the story. What is remarkable about this scene is that it fits into the flow of Sorcha and Remus’s conversation, it’s not forced, but sounds natural.
The history of the Fachen, while important to the plot, was a bit strenuous to read. I went through it twice to make sure I got all the important points, but I felt it dragged on for a bit without giving any new information in the end. Nonetheless I’m curious to see what this means for Tim and how his changes will affect his loyalty. Even in this chapter, we can already see Remus doubt him and his true allegiance. I wonder how the rest of the Order will react and what obstacles Tim will have to face because people don’t trust him because of his heritage.
It was his own curiosity that had won him over though, if this Elf could tell him anything of the Fachen, then he was willing to meet. I feel that there should be a pronoun at the end of this sentence, generally after the verb ‘meet’ the person that someone is meeting follows, in this case ‘it’ would suffice.
Tim took that to mean that he had not fully entrusted such things to the Elf. I was confused who the ‘he’ in this sentence is referring to, is it Tim or Remus? If it refers to Remus, which I think is more likely, you would have to put Remus’s name in its stead, or it will confuse your readers.
I’m looking forward to the next chapter. Keep up the good work!
*gasp* Robyn, get your arse in front of the computer and update this instant.
So sorry it took me so long to actually sit and read it, but let me tell you this chapter was well worth the wait. I feel I need to restate how much I love Sorcha, and how I want to take Dag home with me. =)
You move the story along very well and the interactions between the characters make them seem perfectly canon, even if they're not. However, during Sorcha's explanation to Tim, I feel that the big chunk of text without the slightest break gets a bit confusing, and for someone like me , a teensy little pause would've been lovely. =)
All in all, amazing as always.
Jen. (PS - I think I fell in love with Tim somewhere along the way. )
Very cool! Update soon please.
Is Tim Anderson a canon character?
Whether he is or not the story is awesome. Please update soon.
Author's Response: No, I'm afraid Tim is not a canon character, though I try my best to tie him in to canon events. I've got the next chapter done, I'm just making a few tweaks, theres a lot of background information about Tim, and about the Fachen, that will slowly pour out. I'm really glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for taking the time to review!
I randomly clicked on your story in the most recent column, but I’m really glad I did. Even though only the first chapter is up, I’m already in love with your OC. The first few paragraphs and his slightly feral, almost animal like behaviour in his dream, intrigued me and made me like him, after that I fell more and more in love with him as the chapter went on. There’s this awesome strength in him, but he also seems vulnerable and unsure of himself at times. I admire that he told Remus about his dreams and asked for help in understanding them. It’s not easy to ask for help, especially if you have great powers, like he seems to do, and if you’re used to doing things on his own.
Your plot is intriguing as far as I can tell from only reading the first chapter, but I will definitely come back for more. The atmosphere you created while Remus and Tim were in his mother’s house is perfectly chilling. The emptiness of the house and then the mysterious cellar with the book, I’m really curious where you’re going with this. It promises to be interesting in the very least.
I like your writing style. It has a consistency to it that makes your writing flow perfectly. There wasn’t one section where I had to stop reading or read a sentence twice, the sections of the chapter joined together seamlessly.
During the dream sequence you alternatively call the stranger ‘he’ or ‘it’. This is a bit confusing at times, so I would suggest either going with ‘he’ or with ‘it’, but not mixing the two of them.
His mother was a Muggle, she had known nothing of the magical community until he had been invited to study at Hogwarts, and yet… she must’ve have known something. ‘Must’ve’ is already an abbreviation for ‘must have’, if you use it you don’t need to put ‘have’ after it.
Torches burned on the wall and the wall were washed blue and grey, somewhat reminiscent of a storm at sea, in the silence the sound of water wafted over the room, though what made the noise was unapparent. First off, I would split this sentence into two, because it has the possibility of being a run-on sentence as it is. There is a perfect place to split it before ‘in the silence’, because after that you talk about sounds and before you talk about colours and what your characters see. For the part about the walls I would also suggest not putting ‘the wall’ twice in such close proximity. You could for example say: ‘Torches burned on the walls, which were washes blue and grey, somewhat reminiscent of a storm at sea.’ This is not perfect, but you get the idea of what I want to say.
I love this story so far and it’s going straight to my favourites so I won’t miss any updates!