Again, rather rushed and not subtle, but I really enjoyed the opening sequence; it's quite intriguing, because the atmosphere is established well. Good work! Try to work on more indirect characterization, though.
Oh! I really like this. The way the founding four were and then how Salazar turned on Godric was nicely done!
I liked how, even in a short one-shot, you gave them each their own personalities. Salazar was a bit mean, but still part of the group. Godric was a bit Dumbledore like, but it suited him well. Helga was soft and gentle. Rowena was logical and kind. Great job with them!
The end was great! I could see Godric and Salazar fighting like that. They were both passionate. Both wanting what they thought was best for Hogwarts, and fighting with all of themselves to make it so. You did a great job writing them and that scene!
I only had one problem with it. It was too short! There seems to be so much more to the story, but it ends! I want to know more about how the world was when Hogwarts started. What was Hogsmeade like outside that tavern? What happened after Salazar and Godric fought? What did Helga and Rowena think about it? I want more!
Overall, brilliant job, love! You took that challenge and made something great!
Oooh, you know what I really liked about this? It was a one-shot. I don’t mean that in a sort of way that says, “Good, because I don’t want any more of this,” but in a that-was-delightfully-compact-and-not-drawn-out way. I rarely read anything involving the Four Founders, but they’ve always intrigued me.
Probably my favorite thing was the guy at the bar who always says “youse” instead of “you all” or something. I think you did a great job with his character.
I truly never thought of what came first, Hogsmeade or Hogwarts, but I like it better this way, because the Founders got to explain the school to the people in the bar.
“Imagine a future where all wizards could control their magic. No more accidental deaths. No more boring, everyday routines. No more corrupt Ministry officials....” You’ve got a whole idea set up right here about what the magical world was like during this time period. It does raise questions though: Did people back then, in your story, have wands? How much magic could they use? I think a little details on how well people could use their magic would be wonderful.
I also sort of wondered about the dialogue: Shouldn’t it be really old-fashioned, considering the time period? There’s no way I’d expect you to get it perfectly, though! A) That would be terribly hard to write b) I couldn’t read it! Although I think a couple of old words slipped in here or there would help settle the mood a little.
I loved this as a one-shot; so much information and ideas are put into one lovely little package! Hogsmeade being there, the peoples’ extent to magical knowledge, Gryffindor and Slytherin’s conflict — all wonderfully portrayed, yet sweet and to the point!
I thought that this was a fantastic idea for the Tooth a a Lion banner.
There was one instance that I want to point out-
four cloaked men and women
To me, it sounded a bit funny. I knew that it was referring to the four founders, but it also sounded as if it could have been reffering to four men and four women, instead of four people of both genders.
“And it would be under the magic that keeps Hogsmeade hidden so none of the Muggles would ever find it,” Salazar finished. He smiled at Godric. “I say, Godric, another great idea.”
I particulary like this sentence, mainly because it shows that Godric and Salazar were friends. They disagreed and ultimately became enemies, but were best friends at the start.
No eye-catching gramatic or spelling errors, as far as I can see. Excellent work!
GOOD VERY GOOD and i think you sould write more of it.
that was ausome! the end where Godric and salazar argue is such a perfect ending! my fave sentance is 'Some things, Salazar, cannot be killed with a wand' and the part where he talks about the fact that he will always be there is sooo dumbledor! you can see why dumby was a gryff (like us!) anyway, great job, totally spiffing.
Author's Response: Hehe yes. I like to think of Dumbledore as a reincarnation of Godric ;) Thanks!
I loved this story, and how wise Godric was. I seriously love all your stroies, your one of my favorite authors!
Bethany, you have outdone yourself. This is such a powerful piece. Now that I've read this, I can't imagine Hogwarts being created any other way. Your plot bunnies and ideas astound me!
As usual, your imagery is superb and I could feel myself in the tavern. I like how you foreshadowed Dubledore's feelings about Hogwarts. Also, his thoughts about speaking in a tavern where they wouldn't be overheard.
I am constantly amazed at how you can make the words leap off the page and draw me into your story.
My one grammar concrit... "The girl narrowed her eyes before heeding a call *form* a table across the room, glad to get away from the tense atmosphere in the corner." from?
Author's Response: Hehe you have very sharp eyes ;) I'll correct it. Thanks!
intersting. didn't think godric abd salazar would get in to a fight so soon.
That Slytherin's a real bastard, eh? Love your style! Well done!
Author's Response: Hehe yes, he can be. Thanks!
This was so well-written. My only complaint is that it won't be continued. Definitely a favourite.
Author's Response: Oh thank you!