This is kind of sad When you think about it. But I like it. :)
Author's Response: Aw, thank you! This is a very old fic of mine that I don't personally care for very much, but it's good to know that some people are still enjoying it :)
you're writing is seriously brilliant.
why are you so darn talented, woman?!
your story was beautiful.
Author's Response: *giggles* thank you! this isn't actually my favorite story by me, but I'm glad you liked it! thanks for the praise! =D
That was really good. I always imagined James trying to forget Lily because she always ignored him and stuff. This story was really good! I liked the part where she just said that she couldn't be with him. I don't think anybody could stand sitting there with somebody they had always dreamed of being with, knowing that they didn't really want to be there. Great job!
Author's Response: Thanks for your wonderful reviews! I'm really glad you liked it, and I really appreciate you taking the time to review! ♥
u spelled altar wrong..it's a-l-t-a-r not a-l-t-e-r
Author's Response: haha, thanks! I realised that after I had written the story, but couldn't find the spot where I had spelled it wrong! Thanks!
I loved it! Another wonderful piece by you. You're a wonderful writer and an awesome critquer. You're story is very well-written!
Author's Response: Thanks! I'm so glad you liked it!
It’s high time I reviewed this story, and especially because you wrote it, Rachel! It’s full of all the characteristics that make it such a great fiction. I saw it was up for nomination for the QSQ, and after you were so kind to me when I was Turnip of the Month, I thought it was only right I should stop by and read and review another of your lovely fictions. I was very pleased I did, and I’m still smiling as I write this review.
To begin, your very first paragraph sets the mood perfectly. I love how you’ve already said how the happiness and joy of the wedding and the couple has infected those around them, and even the main character that’s feeling sorry for herself can’t help but feel guilty she’s not happy and enjoying herself in the environment you’ve created. It’s a great start to an original story – it’s as much a new experience for the reader as it is for the protagonist, because she see’s things differently to the way she’s seen them before.
I like Chloe. She’s not insecure, and she’s very aware of the world around her. “Admittedly, she was used to it; Chloe was a pretty girl, sporting long, blonde hair and deep, grey eyes.” It could be interpreted as her being a snob, but I just think she’s alert to people, and not the least bit ignorant. In a challenge that’s supposed to reveal a lot about an author and their personal creation, this is a great way of giving her an individual personality. She’s not at the point where she’s Mary-Sueish, obviously, she’s far from it. She knows she’s being watched, and from the way she voices it to the reader, one would assume she’s tired of it – something that sets her apart from other stereotypical OC’s and the superficial OC’s you see all too commonly. It’s also part of her character, I think that she easily adapts to things. She gets sorted into Ravenclaw, away from James, and all she says is So she wasn’t with James. This, I suppose shows that she’s very easy going. I like Chloe for her attitude already. I think, later on when she realises the unfortunate place this puts her in, being in a different house to Lily and James, she sort of gets angry at herself for not realizing what a problem it was sooner.
A small nit pick - “Meet me in the Entrance hall at noon on Saturday!” I don’t think entrance is capitalised, it’s not a proper noun, it’s simply a cavity in Hogwarts. A minor detail, nothing too huge. Again, something that’s not too substantial, but still important in polishing a piece - “I don’t know if he even realizes that we’re sitting in awkward silence.” ‘Realize’ in all it’s forms is, in the British spelling, spelt with an ‘s’. Just for the sake of my Brit-picking =) You’ll find that if it’s changed to auto-format and you do try and spell it to suit canon you need ot keep your eyes on it because, depending on what you’ve got your settings to on Word, it can automatically change it back to ‘z’.
The ending is somewhat bittersweet. I couldn’t help but comment on it You’ve captured what every girl has felt some time in her life. Every girl has a “school yard crush” on someone; and it’ll always be that liking that makes your stomach flip every time you see them, or when they pay you attention. You’ve captured her struggle brilliantly, and I actually sighed when she let go. It was like a personal release that had built up in me as I read this story. It was really something, that ending, and it really tied in with the title. It was a great story, and you highlighted the pieces in her schooling life that really impacted upon that point in time. I can’t stress enough how much I enjoyed that ending, it was so beautiful and well considered, and I highly commend you for it – Steph.
Author's Response: *Squees insanely* You are amazing, you know that? I adore your comments; they're so helpful! Hehe, thanks for the Brit picks. ;) *is American* Therefore, I pretty much suck in that area. You would be a good beta, if I ever needed one... *glances hopefully* But right. I'll be sure to fix those errors as soon as possible; thanks for pointing them out! *Huggles and <3s*
wow. just... wow. This was an excellent portrayal of lost love and hope through the ages... Chloe was extremely realistic of a character- who hasn't gone through what she has, even if it is to less of an extent? congratulations on your win- you definetely deserved it!
Author's Response: Wow, thanks! I'm so glad you liked it! Mucho gracias for the wonderful comments!
Again, amazing job with description!
The character intrigued me. I felt for her, her longing and pain. She was going through something that was real and that made it easier for the reader to feel right along with her.
James was written well. I could see him doing something like that to try and make Lily jealous or try and forget her.
Author's Response: Thanks! Glad you liked it!
Once again your talent for describing feelings comes through. You made a good OC, having her being jealous of Lily like that. But was Chloe friends with Lily? You never said whether she was or not, or if she was a guest of James'.
I also liked the flashbacks. Seeing Chloe's firsthand experiences with James really made the fic worthwhile, especially seeing James so jealous to use Chloe like that.
I hope you write more stories about Chloe and James, maybe in James' POV to see how he really feels about Chloe.
Author's Response: Hm... that's a thought. I don't actually know if she was Lily's friend. Maybe Sirius invited her to the wedding, who knows? Thanks for the lovely review, dear!
I love the topic of this, unrequited love and having to let go. Again, your great description pulls through here, especially at the Beech tree, I found. I also liked the consistent transition of ‘just a little longer’ which was really effective.
I have a few things I’m not sure about with this. I have to say, it’s unlikely that James would have been in love with Lily for all his years at Hogwarts. For instance, in his first few years, I doubt he was even that interested in girls. For another, I’m not sure Chloe would have described him as being ’in love’ with Lily, for two reasons; 1) she liked him herself, and so although it was obvious he liked Lily, I don’t think she’d have said it was ’love’ as that could just be a little too depressing. 2) They were only 16 at the time, and although it seems to us that it was love, as they later got married, at the time I don’t think 16 year olds would have described it as love.
One other gripe is how she was able to let go so easily after liking him so much for so long. Perhaps you could have had it how she felt so much better after her decision to let go, how it seemed a little easier even then, just after making it, rather than have it all suddenly better. However, I did love the description of it!
I really liked Chloe’s character, how she was able to do the right thing in The Three Broomsticks, even though she felt differently. I thought that was really strong of her. Also how she tried to be happy for Lily, was really nice. My favourite line has to be “And of everything, the lost memories were what hurt the most.” which was just beautiful!
Author's Response: Why thank you! I agree with most everything you said, I don't quite like this fic. I would do a more through response, but I'm very tired. Just know it meant a lot to me!
How do you do it? How do you convey so much heartwrenching emotion with mere words? My eyes are stinging. Gorgeous.
I do have to say, however, that it is typically very hard to just let go like that. Once you make that decision, there is usually still a great deal of pain as you gradually release the memories.
However, up to that point, I was very impressed. You have a gift for storytelling, and you use it well. Congratulations on another winner.
Author's Response: "How do you do it? How do you convey so much heartwrenching emotion with mere words?" *Giggles* Now don't I feel special! Thank you so much! And yes, I whole heartedly agree with your concrit. Thank you SO much for reviewing!
You describe everything in such beautiful detail. As I read each little description, I saw another little part pop into the screen in my head, until it was a full set. You managed to turn what could have been a boring, cookie-cutter decription into beauty.
I feel terrible for Chloe. I understand what she feels like, almost betrayed by her best friend. She must feel so much contempt. Lily loved the only man she ever loved, and to think Lily used to hate him.
One bit of nit-picking. When the names are called from the sorting, they are usually called by surname, then first name. You had James being called as 'James Potter' rather than 'Potter, James.' Same with Chloe.
I was happy to see that Chloe resisted the tempation of James Potter in Hogmeade. I feel sad that she couldn't go with him, but it shows her maturity and also her pride that she chooses not to be with him. It also shows that she loves him. Odd, pushing someone away is a sign of love? Well, the way I saw it was that she either wanted his all, or none at all.
The only thing that I had trouble with is that Chloe seemed to have an easy time letting go of James. Had it just been a crush, it should have been easy. But is seemed that Chloe was deeply in love with James, and I just find it hard to believe that she would be able to forget about him so quickly.
Author's Response: Wow, thank you! About the sorting, I'll go ahead and fix that. I can't believe I did that! About her letting go, I know it seemed a bit spontaneous. I'll leave it as is, because I'm done with this story, but I agree with you; it was a bit too easy. Thank you for all of your wonderful comments! They meant a lot to me!
That was a tear jerker! The longing that Chloe had for James the entire way through the story was very evident. Sirius waving while playing best man was funny. I could totally see that happening too! James asking her out to forget and Lily, and just spending the entired time yearning for her was heart breaking to read to. I can't imagine what it would be like to finally have a guy that you have been yearning for to ask you out, and actually kiss you- to have them looking at the girl they yearned for in the same way. It was very brave of her to just walk away. Not many people would be able to do that. She sounds like a very interesting character. It was great seeing into her world.
Author's Response: Thank you!!! I'm glad you liked Chloe. I might write something else with her in it. I agree, it must have been hard! Nothing like that's ever happened to me before! Thanks for the lovely review. <-- Attempting to see if HTML codes work in ARs.
Author's Response: They do! Yes!
Oh, reviewing again to ask: Could you put when you're responding? I seem to have italicised everything. *facepalm*
Author's Response: Haha, no problem! I fixed it!
This story was so sad!
It's nice to see someone other than Lily loving James, hehe. The words 'memories' and 'forget' were used brilliantly - it made the story very touching.
Sirius at the beginning was nice and light, but as the story went on, it became more deep and had a lonely feeling. The romance at Hogwarts was written well and it felt real. Of course James only liked Lily!
In the background, the sound of the piano played on, and people stood to leave their seats, hand in hand with the ones they loved.
You always manage to make the endings of story so powerful. This sentence was a perfect way to finish the story - it seemed to reverbrate in my ears.
Author's Response: <--Attempting to close italics
Author's Response: It worked!
Author's Response: *Giggles* Thanks for your italicising entusiasum, Dawn! Anyway, thanks for the wonderful review; it meant a lot!
Sad day for Chloe, huh? =]
I really liked this fic because it didn’t have a happy ending, just like real life sometimes. I felt bad for Chloe for having to be in that situation. It must be hard watching someone you love walk down the aisle with someone else. You wrote her feelings very well.
Also, the flashback sequence you used added something to the story, and I think Chloe was a very relatable character. I felt myself sympathizing with her throughout the fic.
“Though no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t erase the sick feeling in her heart.”
That line really made me sad. I think ‘the sick feeling in her heart,’ is a very good way of describing her sadness.
A couple nit-picks for good measure. =]
“She was aware of Sirius trying to catch her eye from where he stood next to the alter.”
Here, ‘alter,’ should be altar. Alter means to change something, and altar is what you’re trying to say, I think.
“He wants you to help him study. That’s it/”
I think that should be a period, not a /.
“She could see James staring at Lily from where he stood near the alter.”
Again the alter/altar thing.
Overall, great job! A sad (but good, of course) fic!
Author's Response: Lol, not her best. ;) Woops, that slash was a typo! And I'll fix that altar. I've never known which it was; thanks for pointing it out! I'm glad you could sympathize towards Chloe. Thanks much!
Oh, the heartbreak of unrequited love…especially when you are young and hopeful. :`( You have captured that very well. This was a lovely, moving story. In a very short space, you made me have feelings for a character I hadn’t known before. Well done.
Now those feelings varied, which is good. In some ways, I felt so sorry for her, but at other times, I wanted to slap her and say wake up; move on! And when she had the dignity to walk out on James, even when she didn’t want to, I was proud of her. That is a good sign that she is more than a one-sided character.
I do have a couple of quibbles. I don’t mind the idea of Sirius flirting with her, as I have no problems thinking about him being a bit of a ladies man. I don’t think of him as comically and overtly flirtatious, though. Remus says everyone thought Sirius (along with James) was the “height of cool.” The thought of him “waving like an idiot” doesn’t quite fit that image. Also, in the part of the sorting, I rather felt that the descriptions you gave of James and Sirius were reversed. Of course, being from the POV of someone with a crush on James, perhaps her view of him is distorted. Still, if there was anything I would change to improve this lovely story, it would be those two things.
You know, the thing I like the best about this story has to be the notion that no matter how smart a person is, and no matter how many different people she/he could date, there is not much they can do about their feelings. There is often no explanation for why one person falls for another. Chloe knew James didn’t care for her, knew she could date others, but she couldn’t change her feelings. Even when he was a big jerk and hurt her, she still didn’t get over him. It took the finality of him marrying another woman to get her to finally move on. You have done such a lovely job with her; I hope she moves on to happier things. Again, well done. :)
Author's Response: Wow, thanks! About the Sirius comment; I agree. That was a bit rash of him. And thanks for the comments. What I like the best about this story is exactly what you said in the last paragraph. You did a great job explaining it! Thank you for the lovely review!
I feel the need to cry. That was just so sweet!
The ending was a little, confusing, but it was wonderful...
I particularly liked the fact that she was strong enough to push James away when she realizsed he didn't love her. It made her a bigger person in my eyes.
Author's Response: Confusing? Huh? That's the first I've heard of that, interesting, interesting... Anywho, thanks for the wonderful review!
Ah this story stood out in my mind. I thought it was very creative how your "Great Love" entry didn't end in a happy note like the others. When I first saw how Chloe loved James, I was very curious as to how it would end happily (I automatically assumed it would).
What I found interesting is how it seemed that Chloe was very hopeful, in the end, to forget everything and that the freedom would be welcoming. But then, you began to confuse me into thinking it may not be as sweet and desired as before. After all, you pointed out, rightfully so, that "lost memories were what hurt the most."
Hehe I like the image of a longing Sirius, the man most would've assumed to be a lady's man. Very ironic how he couldn't catch Chloe's eye.
The scene in the Three Broomsticks must've been so hard on Chloe. She was brave when she did it, and I'm almost shocked to see she's not in Gryffindor ;)
Author's Response: Okay, I'm going to officially stop hating this story. Though I am still baffled as to why everyone loves it, I shall just accept that it might be slightly tolerable. Maybe. Lol, anyway, thank you so much! I've never had a mod review any of my stories before! Actually, Leanne's a mod, so nevermind! But still, it meant a lot! And yes, I may contradict myself with Chloe slightly. But as I mentioned before, she's a dreamer, so she still held on to the hope that he would love her until the very end. And I hope my cynical note won't hurt my chances for the challenge? When I read the challenge summary, I automatically thought 'sad ending'. I don't know why, but I guess it's just the pessimest inside of me. Lol! And yes, she does seem pretty Gryff-ish, now that I come to think about it. Thanks SO much for taking the time to review this! I'm so honored that it stood out in your mind!
Wow, I really enjoyed that. I don't think I've ever read a story quite like this before. Chloe seemed very real, very down to earth. Even with her obvious beauty, and given intelligence, you definitely kept her from being Mary Sue, especially since she couldn't let go of a hopeless crush. It's hard to imagine loving someone for so long, knowing you will never receive their love in return, but you painted the scenario well. Excellent work!
Author's Response: Wow, thanks! Why do so many people like this? I wrote it in, like, 20 minutes! Lol, whatever, just goes to say that I should rush through everything I write, and people will like it more! ;) I'm glad you didn't think that she was Mary-Sue, even though I made her beautiful. Thanks mucho for the review!