I really could sense the grimness of this story. I think you captured the heavy stillness the house seems to have very beautifully. You have a light, gripping style of narration that attracts the reader. I like it a lot. :)
I could understand how Sirius felt - coming straight from fun and frolick at Hogwarts to the nag-nag-nagging of his mother.
I had a fondness for this line- Because when, and if, this adolescent does return, he would be viewing it through the eyes of an onlooker. But I think 'did' would work better in this context than 'does', and could give a nice effect to the finish.
There wasn't much else to nitpick for - the grammar and choice of words is really good. The thing I liked most was the way you stuck the phrase - through the eyes of an onlooker both in the beginning and the end. Great work! ;)
Author's Response: Thanks, I'm rather proud of my narration as well. And I'm glad you liked how I pulled it all together with the "onlooker" thing. Thanks for the review!
Interesting...I like the description of the house as being different from the point of view of others, it is a good way to lead into the story. I also like that it explains why Sirius decided to leave.
However, I was a bit confused about Sirius' relationship with his brother. At first it seemed like they just pretended to dislike each other, then it seems that Sirius just couldn't like his brother. Though, the diologue was great.
Author's Response: I sort of wanted the reader to go back and forth on how what they thought about Regulus and the relationship he had with his brother, but I hope it was all settled out in the end. Thanks for the review!
I really like you tackle both Sirius and Regulus. I've read some other fics that depict the moment Sirius leaves, but this one feels unique with the Regulus parts.
At first I disagreed with your characterization of Regulus. I didn't believe that he really felt like Sirius and just held it in, but by the end, I saw a new side to him, and it made sense. I like the characterisation of Regulus as like Sirius, but less reckless, and more ambitious. He kind of reminds me of Snape here.
I also really like the tie in of "through the eyes of an onlooker" throughout the story, and how Sirius turns into an onlooker in the end. It really gives you empathy for Regulus that a lot of people miss.
Author's Response: Thanks! I tried to make it so that it changed your perception of Regulus, yet kept him in character as well. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I really liked this story. It totally opened up an entire new level in my mind, as to why Sirius hated the house, and hated being back there.
I also love the way you show Sirus and Regulus (sp). They fight and tease, yet inside they feel different. I found it interesting how you said that Regulus masked his true feelings, and he wasn't really into it. It's a trait that *could* lead to him defying Voldemort, if he is R.A.B.
Wonderful job Shayla! Really great!
Author's Response: Thanks for the wonderful review! I tried to make their connection as realistic as possible.
This was a very interesting story. You have really explained the reason Regulus could stay in that house for as long as he did. I don't know if he would be able to fool the Sorting Hat though. It seems to see right through everyone. It would really take major talent to fool it. The new way of thinking would have to be a fact, and not just an act anymore. I really like the way you have them be truly brothers. Regulus trying to talk sense to Sirius was very interesting. The way you describe the house was great. It does give you the sense that things are totally different then the actuality. The end was great too, with the description of how he should have seen things when he came back. Unfortunately, we all know it is a bit different! :)
Author's Response: Yes, I understand that this sort of strays a bit from canon, but I'm glad that you liked it. I did my best to have Sirius and Regulus asct as brothers, yet have them be different as in canon as well. Thanks for the review!
I have to agree with lily_evans34 that the first few paragraphs are wonderful and descriptive. The lines about how their house could have held good memories, but hadn’t, we my favorites.
They show so much feeling, and it makes me horribly sad to think of how bad it was for Regulus, and especially Sirius.
You don’t just show emotion in the beginning though, but throughout the entire story. It's evident with lines like,
"Unlike his brother, he saw only the darkness the mansion held, and couldn’t care less for the fake light that tried to shine in it."
I love that you show what the house looks like to different people, it’s great. But, my favorite thing is that you started and ended with the same lines- it’s perfect, and adds a lot to the story.
Anyway, this was very very good, and I really enjoyed reading it. =]
Author's Response: Thank you so much. I always try to pull things from the beginning back into the end if I can, as I think it adds a nice touch. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Excellent job drawing me in in the first three paragraphs. I thought you descriptions and wording were excellent, and definitely had me wanting to read more.
I also loved how you began and closed this story in the same fashion. It had a sort of symmetry to it, when you began and ended with the "eyes of an onlooker" phrase. Nice work on that.
I also enjoyed reading the interaction between Sirius and Regulus. You did a nice job showing how they cared for each other on the inside, as most siblings do, but still fought and showed their emotions differently on the outside. That was very believable.
All in all, this was a very well written fic that was enjoyable to read. Nice work!
Author's Response: Thanks for the kind words and the review. I worked hard on making Sirius and Regulus believeable.
I adored that. I thought that it was an amzingly accurate portrayal of the Black family. Your descriptions were unique, straight to the point, and beautifully written. I loved the first few and last few paragraphs. They were flat out stated, though they contained so much emotion.
For them, it really did hold memories, and many of those memories were those they may not like to remember.
I don't know if you meant to do it, but you said 'remember' and 'memories' quite a lot, here. I would rearrange this sentence so as to make sure it's not redundant.
Sirius was his own person, and what did he care if his family could never appreciate that.
I would end this with a questionmark, as it's phrased like a question.
“Why doesn’t she just give up and let me be? She’s already yelled at me to the freaking point of insanity!” Sirius roared, more to himself than anyone else.
I don't think that 'roared' is quite the right word. I find it hard to think that you can roar at yourself, as it's a generally used when someone is yelling. I would say 'Sirius roared, more to say it to himself than anyone else.' Or else use a different word than roared.
Overall, I thought that was amazing. I think that you did a wonderful job explaining the house, Sirius and Regulus's thoughts, and why Sirius left. Wonderful job!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your critque. It helps a lot to get ideas then just praise. I'm glad you liked it.
How sad. How horribly sad. You've really captured the mood here -- grim, silent and heartbreaking.
I like the opposites that were going at each other in the beginning of this fic, for example:
However, there was a large chandelier hanging in the center of each room, producing its own candle light. Each room was brightly lit, but was yet darkened at the same time.
Even though it might not seem like it, these kinds of sentences only add so much to the general feel of the story. The reader can connect.
You made me feel for Regulus and even though Sirius is one of my favorite characters, I didn't like him in those moments when he was arguing with his brother. That sort of thing -- when an author can turn a reader's favorite character into something entirely different and for just a moment, make the reader angry or even hate that favorite character -- is done quite seldom and you've pulled it off splendidly. Once the arguement was over, however, I felt sad for Sirius, sad for the whole family.
The emotion just coursed through this fic; fabulous job!
Author's Response: Oh, no! I didn't mean to turn poor Sirius against you! Hehe. But, I'm glad to hear that the emotion pulled you in so much. That's what an author works to do.
Very wonderful job... You portrayed the relationship of Sirius and Regalus in a manner most believable. I liked the fact that, though they were constantly yelling at each other, their relationship was rather loving after all. It was quite sweet to see them defying the roles the books set for them while still playing the part. I also liked your idea of making the third person point of view into an outsider looking in on them. Your whole story was excellent!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I worked hard on making sure they fit their character but were different nonetheless.
Awww...this was really great! I loved the way you wrote the brothers, especially Sirius. I also liked the end, where you said that he would never be trapped inside that house again, because we know that he will be. Very well done!
Author's Response: You know, I didn't even think about the fact that he will be again. Haha. But, thanks!
that was such a good story! i loved how well you described sirius and regulus! definitely 10/10!
Author's Response: Heh, thanks. I don't think I've ever gotten a 10/10 before.