Reviewer: moonflower 767
Date: 01/01/08 18:02
Chapter: A Sleepless Night and an Early Morning

Wheee! yay for Remus and Tonks !
Please keep up the awesomeness and post ssooooooooon!

Reviewer: Alex_is_hot
Date: 10/05/07 17:03
Chapter: A Sleepless Night and an Early Morning

I just strated reading your story it's well written with a great plot and it's really enjoyable I can't wait for the next chap hope it comes soon!! Good work:)

Reviewer: koolio_jollymints
Date: 08/06/07 20:17
Chapter: A Sleepless Night and an Early Morning

Argh! You have to update this! Snap, snap! This is very well written, great, great job. You really grasp what the characters are like. I'm very impressed!

Reviewer: koolio_jollymints
Date: 08/06/07 20:15
Chapter: A Sleepless Night and an Early Morning

Argh! You have to update this! Snap, snap! This is very well written, great, great job. You really grasp what the characters are like. I'm very impressed!

Reviewer: Faekitty
Date: 07/02/07 11:28
Chapter: A Sleepless Night and an Early Morning

More! Update!!EEEE!!*flail, die*

Reviewer: oddmentandtweak
Date: 05/09/07 0:59
Chapter: A Sleepless Night and an Early Morning

Really love the story so far, I hope you update soon!

Reviewer: marauders maidens
Date: 12/26/06 0:44
Chapter: A Sleepless Night and an Early Morning

Please Update soon this is a really good story!-Padfoot Umm just saying I agree with the so much less cool dork that just spoke before me.(I have to feel included you know)-Prongs

Reviewer: Xxdeath_eaterxX
Date: 09/24/06 17:12
Chapter: A New War

Haha I thoght I added this, but I didnt ans then I forgot which category it was in, so I just spent the last 20 minutes searching for a fic with a review by me when I didnt have time to read it, but I found it. And I love it!

Reviewer: Xxdeath_eaterxX
Date: 09/23/06 18:27
Chapter: A New War

This sounds really interesting, but I dont have time to read it now so I am gonna save it to favorites, but good summary thing!

Reviewer: Angua_rocks
Date: 09/04/06 15:25
Chapter: A Sleepless Night and an Early Morning

Excellent stuff. Well written dialogue, and good inter-personal dynamics.
More please!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your kind words. More very soon!

Reviewer: Calyn_Collins
Date: 09/04/06 11:40
Chapter: A New Recruit

Wow! Excellent! I love this story. I read it first on Harrypotterfanfiction.com then I found it here! It's great!

Author's Response: Hey thanks! I thought I'd post it on a few sites so it has a wider audience :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Reviewer: RupertsPheonix
Date: 09/04/06 8:02
Chapter: A Sleepless Night and an Early Morning

Really great chapter. I loved the ending of it, you described the change in topic so well. =) Good job and update soon!! =) --RP

Author's Response: Thanks, I wasn't sure if that change would make sense to anyone but me so I'm very glad it did to one person! Keep reading ;)

Reviewer: MaraudersAffair
Date: 09/03/06 21:32
Chapter: A New War

Oh, wow. I was kind of hesitant to review after the last one - so long! But I really do like your take on Remus, especially how the fic starts out with him reading a book. He's so absorbed in his reading; I love how he mumbles to himself.

his face etched with lines as though he wore a constant frown

I love it - the description is so much better than just saying wrinkles - great chapter!

Author's Response: Thanks a lot, hope you'll keep reading!

Reviewer: ginnyp_harryp
Date: 09/03/06 19:59
Chapter: A Sleepless Night and an Early Morning

=]

Author's Response: Does that mean you like it? :)

Reviewer: Medora
Date: 08/18/06 23:20
Chapter: A Meeting

aw, i like this story. please update soon! i love a good Remus/tonks ship!

Author's Response: Thanks a lot! Will update very soon.

Reviewer: HPLoverForever
Date: 08/18/06 17:30
Chapter: A New War

Hello! Good first chapter. There were a few or so errors that need to be touched up, but I think you've got the general idea down.

In a small, dreary kitchen, in a small, dreary flat in London, a wizard sat at a rickety table, poring over a large book.

So this is what I'm thinking needs to be worked with here. The words 'small' and 'dreary' are used twice, the word 'pouring' is misspelled, and maybe we can mix up the wording a bit, adding some descriptive words here and there. If it were me, I would perhaps describe what part of London this flat is located. Is it located on the outskirts of London? Perhaps the center of London? Lets say that it's on the outskirts of it. We would rephrase it a small bit and fix those tiny spelling bits and morph it around into this:

In a small, dreary kitchen in a tiny flat on the outskirts of London, a wizard sat at a rickety table, pouring over a thick book.

So what I did her was, I fixed the spelling errors, took out the extra 'dreary', and replaced 'large' with 'thick'. The reason I replaced 'large' with 'thick' was because large is such a general word. Thick describes the book a bit better. Also, the reason I took out the extra 'dreary' and didn't replace it with anything was because we added and switched around so much. You don't want too many descriptive words. ; )

Sighing absently, he was oblivious to the curtain that was flapping violently in the draught from the open window.

This is a really good bit. However, I would change the word 'draught' to 'daft' or 'wind'. Also, I'm not sure why, but the fact that you included two things in the same bit that had pretty much nothing to do with each other made me a bit uncomfortable. This is just a suggestion and you definitely don't have to do it if you don't want to.

'...repeating choice phrases as if trying to memorise them. '

The word 'memorize' is misspelled.

The wizard’s brown hair was flecked with grey, his face etched with lines as though he wore a constant frown, and his eyes reflected wisdom that should have belonged to an old man.

-dies- Oh. My. Gosh. I absolutely adore this part. It's so well phrased and well put! You describe perfectly what he looks like and hint us just a tad about his past by describing his face and eyes. Very, very well done!

A sudden, loud crack from behind him startled Remus. He jumped out of his chair, reaching for his wand again, then stopped as his stomach somersaulted with relief.

What I would do here is take out the word 'sudden'. The reason I say this is because the fact that you later on mention that it startles him shows that it probably was sudden. I would also take out the word 'Remus' and replace it with 'him', then remove the first 'him' that we see. Then, in the second sentence, do the opposite and replace 'him' with 'Remus'. To me, it just makes if flow much easier, but again, totally your call whether you want to do that or not. So, if we were to do that, the part would look like this:

A loud crack from behind startled him Remus jumped from his chair, reaching for his wand again, then stopped as his stomach somersaulted with relief.

I also replaced 'out of' with 'from'. Again, it just flows a lot easier.

Just a side note, with that part, I honestly wouldn't imagine my stomach doing a somersault if it was with relief. I would imagine that to be a sign of excitement. Perhaps maybe, a sigh of relief. Also, it doesn't really even make sense to say that. You wouldn't have him stop from sighing or having his stomach do a somersault. I think he would have to see Sirius to cause the relief which would then cause his stomach to flip. : )

'...and it was the first time he had turned up at Remus’s flat — it was really not safe with the entire Ministry of Magic on the lookout for him.'

I would seperate this into two sentences. Dashes aren't really supposed to be used that often, especially when the part could be divided into two. So I would change it to this:

'...and it was the first time he had turned up at Remus’s flat. It was never safe with the entire Ministry of Magic on the lookout for him.'

I also re-worded the second sentence to make it sound more solid and sure. : )

Awful thoughts began circling in his mind, his primary fear being for young Harry Potter’s wellbeing — if Sirius was going to risk revealing his whereabouts to the Ministry of Magic, the safety of his godson would be the most likely reason.

What we can do here is just change a couple of words around to make it smoother and easier. First off, wellbeing is not a word. You could make it 'well being' or you can swap it with the word 'safety'. Or, if you can think of another word aside from 'safety', that's good too, as 'safety' is already used down farther in the bit. Again, make sure that you use the dashes appropriately and seperate it into two sentences if necessary. : )

I would seperate this into two sentences. Dashes aren't really supposed to be used that often, especially when the part could be divided into two. So I would change it to this:

Awful thoughts began circling his mind, his primary fear being for young Harry Potter’s safety. If Sirius were to risk revealing his whereabouts to the Ministry of Magic, the safety of his godson would be the most likely reason.

‘He’s been brought back to life … by Wormtail … a Hogwarts student’s been killed. Dumbledore’s sent me to get the Order together.’

Voldemort was never dead. He was just very weak with little power left. Also, Sirius isn't one to drag things on. He gets straight to the point with things. I would change it to this:

He's got a body. Harry says Wormtail apparently had something to do with it. Dumbledore’s sent me to get the Order together.’

Short, easy, and to the point.

Remus was so horrified he could barely think … to hear that the boy was dead, and by the command of Lord Voldemort, no less … his head swam with the awful image.

When it comes to points where it's not a character talking, it's not really good to use pauses. you're basically telling the reader what is happening with the character. Perhaps you could rephrase it to something like this:

Remus was so horrified he could barely think. To hear that the boy was dead, and by the command of Lord Voldemort, no less, was almost too shocking to think about. His head swam with the awful image.

An wave of murmuring coursed through the room.

It should be 'a' rather than 'an'.

‘I apologise for my lack of manners, Remus, as you know...'

'Apologise' should be 'apologize'.

Therefore it is up to us, the Order of the Phoenix, to do everything in our power to protect the Wizarding community.

It's not exactly necessary to mention who they are. They know and we know, so it's not too important. It sounds slightly cliche...

'...I do not believe Voldemort will rest until the boy is dead.’

Dumbledore knew this years ago. He knew that Voldemort was not dead and he would one day arise back to power. The prophecy told him that neither could live while the other survives, and he doesn't need a prophecy to tell him that Voldemort wants to murder Harry.

Sirius backed down — Dumbledore was the one wizard he respected too much to argue with — but he took on a slightly sulky air.

Again, next time you should try seperating the bits with periods or maybe even semi-colons when the time is right.

I think you've got Remus' character down very well. He is indeed a character of great wisdom and maturity and he certainly is wise beyond his years. Fabulous job with him.

With those changes, I think your fic is truly great. This was such a good first chapter and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!

Author's Response: I am British and therefore use British spelling.

Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks a lot for the input and I really do appreciate constructive criticism. However, the very first point you made is actually totally wrong and mine is correct, which makes me slightly wary of listening to the rest – just something to bear (or would you prefer bare?) in mind next time! Your mistake is as follows: To pour: to flow or cause to flow in a steady stream. To pore: to study or read with close attention Those are straight from the dictionary that I have sitting open in front of me. I know which one I used and why. Do you? If Remus was “pouring” over the book as you would prefer me to say: well, it would suggest something very different that is physically impossible or else quite disgusting! Ok, next! The repeated use of “small” and “dreary” was not an accident: the words did not just tumble out of my head on to the page at random. It was an effect I was trying. Granted, I take your point that perhaps it did not sound as good as I thought, and next time I should try something different. I will definitely keep that in mind, thanks :) You want to know the location of Remus’s flat – fine, fair enough, but I decided not to include it as I didn’t feel it was important. You disagree. That’s fine. I still like that paragraph as it is. I’ve read it a thousand times and I am happy with how it sounds, but I know I can’t please everyone. Maybe no one likes it but me! The adjective describing the book: well, I meant large in the sense of it being wide and tall, not thick. As in, it takes up most of the table. I will think about another more specific word there since it wasn’t clear. Thanks :) In whole, your rearrangement of that first sentence is fine apart from your pour/pore mistake, but the changes seem a bit unnecessary to me. Again, I am happy with it as it is. In my second sentence, I understand what you are saying about including the two things in one sentence – in my head they were linked but I need to rephrase it to show what I mean, and I will now. It’s really helpful to know whether or not these things make the same sense to readers as they do in my head, so thanks for that. You suggested: “A loud crack from behind startled him Remus jumped from his chair, reaching for his wand again, then stopped as his stomach somersaulted with relief.” I’m sorry but that’s completely incorrect. You need a full stop or the word “and” after the first “him” or else you need to make it “startling” instead of “startled” and then put a comma after “him”. I don’t know if that was what you meant to do, but frankly I am appalled that you are trying to correct my sentence structure with something that has such a fundamental grammatical error! Things like that make me doubt that I should listen to anything else you suggest, but I am giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you made a mistake. Sorry if that’s harsh, but come on! That’s a basic error! Now this is a really interesting point. What I was meaning with “somersaulted with relief” is that little jump your stomach does just after you get a fright and then quickly realise things are okay. For example, when you miss a step going down the stairs and think you’re going to fall, then catch yourself and your stomach does that little flip. I know technically it’s the fright and not the relief that makes you have that sensation, but it seems to come at the moment of relief, so I phrased it that way. And yes, I think he could stop reaching for his wand to curse the person at the moment he recognises him, which is the same time that he felt the relief, so can you see the link there? Again, I’ll think about it and see if others agree with how I wrote it and I might rephrase it. Thanks for letting me know my meaning wasn’t clear there. Now, about this: ...and it was the first time he had turned up at Remus’s flat — it was really not safe with the entire Ministry of Magic on the lookout for him.' I would seperate this into two sentences. Dashes aren't really supposed to be used that often, especially when the part could be divided into two. So I would change it to this: '...and it was the first time he had turned up at Remus’s flat. It was never safe with the entire Ministry of Magic on the lookout for him.' My use of dashes might not be correct, but by splitting it into two sentences the meaning shifts slightly, so the only change I’d make is to use a colon instead. The second part is the reason for the first part, not an unrelated sentence. Also, I don’t like the word “never” there as you suggested, because that’s not the meaning I wanted. I will see if I can come up with something else I like better there. Actually, there are several times you suggest that instead of using dashes I separate the phrase into two sentences. Well, in every case I disagree! In every instance, it would change the meaning too much. What I really should have done is used colons instead of dashes, I think. I’ll have a look at them all again. I could even insert the word “because” instead of a dash or a colon in most of these cases, since that is basically what I mean: “it was the first time he had turned up at Remus’s flat because it was really not safe with the entire Ministry of Magic on the lookout for him” It just doesn’t sound very good with a “because” in there. It’s a matter of style, and everyone’s is different. I like the idea of changing “if Sirius was going to” to “if Sirius were to” – you’re right, that flows better, thanks. Interesting point you made about my saying that Voldemort was “brought back to life.” I wasn’t really thinking about it like that. I didn’t mean brought back to life from death, just that he was back in his body. Now that I think about it, it sounds wrong, doesn’t it? I was just trying to come up with different ways to describe Voldemort’s rebirth, so I’ll need to get thinking again! Now, you also make a very interesting point in how Sirius talks: that it should be to the point. I’m not promising I’ll change it, because with dialogue I write it in the way I imagine them speaking it, so I am unlikely to change how I want it to sound. However in this case I’ll definitely think about it because I know getting Sirius in character is something I have trouble with. If you don’t like him now I dread to think what you’ll have to say about him in later chapters! I see your point about using ellipses when a character is not talking and I will look over it again. I was trying to show that Remus’s thoughts were messy, blurry and confused, by making the writing a bit like that, too. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work: fair enough. But sometimes correct sentence structure can be bent a little for effect. I think you’ll find published authors bend the rules like that, too. Your version sounds cold and stiff: not what I want at all. Ah, yes. It is probably a bit cliché to have Dumbledore remind them of the name of their group. Ah well. I kind of like it. What’s wrong with a good old cliché now and then? Anyway, I’ll think about that, too. And yes, Dumbledore knew about the prophecy before, but the Order don’t know about it. I’m not quite sure what the problem with this part is, to be honest. You weren’t very clear, sorry. Is it because he is reiterating what the group supposedly knows? I don’t agree with your comment about this: Sirius backed down — Dumbledore was the one wizard he respected too much to argue with — but he took on a slightly sulky air. Again, next time you should try seperating the bits with periods or maybe even semi-colons when the time is right. Dashes indicate a parenthesis in a sentence, i.e. an interruption or an aside. That is exactly how I used them. It is definitely correct. I could have used brackets here instead, but I chose dashes. In the other cases you pointed out, my dashes should probably have been colons (but again, not full stops or semi-colons), however in this example the dashes are 100% correct. Periods or semi-colons would completely change that sentence. Thanks so much for saying I did a great job with Remus! That really means a lot to me, we all know things like that are what makes or breaks a story. Spelling and sentence structure can be fixed, but characterisation is all down to the writer. Thanks so much for your kind words! Now here’s the HUGE gripe I have with your review that made me want to scream with frustration – spelling!! In Britain the spellings draught, memorise and apologise are used. Considering the fact that this is based on a book that everyone knows was written by a British author, it is ridiculous to be trying to correct my British spelling to US spelling. I find it astonishing that someone who is this much of a fan doesn’t even realise we have those differences. Other than where I mistyped “a” as “an,” I honestly don’t think there is a single spelling mistake in that chapter. I have spell-checked it to death and read it over many, many times. The only one I will give you is that wellbeing should perhaps be hyphenated (but definitely NOT two separate words as you said), although I’m still not convinced it’s wrong as it is, since the spell-checker didn’t pick it up. I think it’s optional and I think I will leave it as it is. By the way in your review you misspelled several words. It is “separate”, not “seperate”. Perhaps you need to check your own spelling if you want your reviews taken seriously. I’m interested to know why you gave such a detailed review. Do you do that for every story you read? If so you must not get much else done! Anyway, thank you for taking such time and care over mine. Once you’ve brushed up on your own spelling, Briticisms and sentence structure, I will be happy to hear what you think of chapter two!

Reviewer: Cowgirl1360
Date: 08/16/06 14:47
Chapter: A New Recruit

Mr. Wealsey would never, ever say Lord Voldemort.

Author's Response: Thanks. I am in the process of editing these things, as I have said a few times already. Cheers for the input.

Reviewer: bluwolf93
Date: 08/14/06 18:21
Chapter: A Meeting

hi im new but i love your story and cant wait for the rest!

Author's Response: Thank you! Hope you'll keep reading.

Reviewer: SiLvEr_DrAgOn
Date: 08/13/06 3:31
Chapter: A New Recruit

I like it. I only have 1 gripe - evryone is referring to Voldemort as well ... Voldemort. I realise it may only be a small thing but i feel it should be 'You-Know-Who' =) otherwise i'm really liking it so far
~~SiLvEr_DrAgOn~~

Author's Response: Thanks, I have had that pointed out to me by a couple of people and I'm going to go back and fix it when I have time! Thanks for reviewing and I hope you keep on reading it :)

Reviewer: Lizeypoo
Date: 08/12/06 0:38
Chapter: A New War

Great story!! i am a huge fan of Lupin/Tonks and i'm loving your story so far- can't wait for an update!

Author's Response: Thanks! Next chapter has been submitted, I hope you'll like it too!

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