You have a very interesting piece of work here. You write very well and I’d love to read more work of yours.

This story of Ellen is one that captures the reader’s hearts because there has been a time where almost everyone has felt alone. I like that you picked this aspect that leads to suicide to write about because that is something we can relate to as a human being. You have many points in this story where my heart goes out to Ellen. I can’t imagine seeing my reflection to be something like you have described. When one feels trapped inside and out, seeing their reflection to be something hideous does not increase their hopes and I like that you have included many occurrences that lead up to her suicide.

Overall, you have a nice writing style and story but I think there are certain things that you could have worked on to improve it. Suicide is a difficult case to deal with when writing, especially if one hasn’t gone through it (which makes sense as you wouldn’t be writing if you were dead.) I think that you’ve got the jist of it but its missing certain things. We as the reader need to feel a stronger connection with the character before she commits suicide. A stronger bond with the character before her demise makes the death more heart-wrenching and understanding. Right now, it seems as if we just have a basic idea of what was going on in her head. I think you need to explore a bit more and include more details on Ellen. Why is she so alone? You’ve basically answered this question but I think that it needs a deeper explanation. What happened when she was younger that she ended up like this? Was she abused? What’s her history in school? Why doesn’t anyone really like her? These are certain things that must be thought about while dealing with a subject like this. Why didn’t she confide with her parents? Didn’t her parents notice something was wrong? I believe that if you go into more detail on this character, her committing suicide will be more understood.

Like I’ve said before, I do like your writing style very much. I love the way you started off the story with the sound waves bouncing through that house and stopping at her room. That was a very EXCELLENT touch.

I did find a few errors though…

Her mother’s voice echoed throughout the vast, empty House even long after she had left.

House shouldn’t be capitalized.

Why am she always alone?

That sounds a bit odd and I’m guessing it was an error.

Very nicely done!!

~KC