that joke about the dark side having cookies cracked me up, i get told that almost every day by my best friend...lol
I like it, but agree you got a little carried away with that whole Lily thing. Lol, I can't say much, I'm always carried away! Anyway, I love the part with Sirius. Plato and Herman! Ha!
Anyway, once my story is validated please read it. Keep up the good work!
Great chapter! Just a few little nit-picks, though. At the start, you wrote, "he is just a mousy boy who was terrified of his own shadow". The 'was' needs to be an 'is'. Arithmomancy is actually Arithmancy. And "Har. Har." There shoudln't be an R at the end.
Also, there were a couple of Americanisms in there. 'Jackasses'- I'm not sure a british person would say that. and things like, "Scary little" and "Creepy little" don't really belong there. 'Deprived' should have been 'derived', and I don't think they would have been learning the Fidelius charm and how to make Polyjuice Potion.
Now for the stuff I liked. The whole "Plato and Herman" thing was so funny! Also the bit where you had her thinking about Sirius and it was all "Yes..." then suddenly, "No, Lily didn't want to get into Sirius Black's pants".
There is one other criticism I have to make. The whole head scenario seems a little unrealistic. Why would Lily reject the commendations of her professors? That was a little OOC. She wouldn't criticize herself like that. Then afterwards, she got all upset about it. That seemed too melodramatic, that she was suddenly all depressed and unhappy. You fell into the typical writer's trap of trying to make a big deal of a character's problems through the character's thoughts or words, but failing to emphasise them in the 'commentary' part of the story. Did that make sense? I'm not sure if I'm phrasing it right, but the point is that you made Lily sound like a bit of a drama queen.
Aside from those little details, I absolutely loved it! You did a great job and with a few minor alterations it could be a truly outstanding work. =)
Author's Response: Wow, thanks for the long, thoughtful review. I see my small mistakes now, then again, I can never seem to catch all my mistakes in the reread. I am an American, so there are some Americanisms. I do try not to put them in, but sometimes they just slip. The "creepy little" is such and just a phrase. They don't need to be there but it's just something the character says? I know the Fidelius and Polyjuice probably wouldn't be taught, but they play important parts in the story later on. The whole Lily/head thing wasn't supposed to come out so melodramatic. It was sort of just there to show that she's insecure about herself and honestly doesn't think she's anything special. Then again, you really couldn't characterize that at OOC, because nobody honestly knows what Lily was like since we haven't seen her much in the books - except that she stood up for people, hated when people were arrogant, she was brave, and would sacrofice herself for her son. Does that make any sense? I like writing James/Lily because we really don't know much about them so it's hard to really say if something is right or wrong. I don't know. That's just how I pictured Lily. Anyways, thank-you so much for the feedback, and I'll take it into consideration. I hope that you will read the rest of the story.
I really enjoyed this chapter! Is this a one shot or are there more to come? I hope there are more after this one. I like your Lily she is very real.
Author's Response: No, no. It's a huge story. Gosh, I'm planning on taking up to the point of when Lily and James die. I already have a good 23 chapters written, I believe it's 23 at least. I'm glad you like it. I tried to make all the characters as real as I could.
Author's Response: Thanks. :)
I love it already! The dialogue is fantastic, and I'm already liking Lily and Rhia's friendship. Awesome job!
And I love the reference to The Perks of Being a Wallflower! It's one of my all time favorite books!
Author's Response: Oh, I'm glad you like it. I love Lily and Rhia's friendship as well, sort of reminds me of my friendship with my best friend. We act as wacky as them. Perks is my second favorite book of all time. The first being "The Time Traveller's Wife". I highly suggest you to read that. The story is so breathtaking. The first time I read it, I immediately went to the beginning and started again. Anyhoo, glad to know you like the story.
I love your story and have already added it to my favorites! Please don't take long posting the next chapter.
Author's Response: I'm glad that you already added it to your favorites. I hope that it remains one of your favorites. The story will pick up quickly starting around chapter 6 or 7 I believe when the main plot is introduced. Glad you like it!
I see the jibe about Pari Hilton. And I agree with it totally! (: I like Lily's character, she's eally wacky, but Remus isn't really that... non talkative, is he? ^^
Author's Response: Hehe. Actually, it didn't really start out as a jab at Paris Hilton. I've always loved the idea of naming people after cities and countries, so I gave the girl the name Paris. It was originally set out to jab at the cheerleaders in my school who put on so much self-tanning lotion that they look like toast and who wear make-up by the truckload. I'm glad you like Lily. Remus isn't that shy, only when he gets to know new people. You'll see that he'll warm up to Lily fairly quickly. Glad you like the story.
great first chapter! i lied your portrayal of lily, it makes such a nice change from the usual view of her as a snobbish bookworm. well done!
Author's Response: I'm glad you like the way I did Lily. I was, quite frankly, sick of the bookish, serious Lily so I wrote my own verison.
i loved the ending
Author's Response: Glad you liked it!
This story is pretty....amazing to say the least? I loved Lily's persona, it was pretty lively, not serious and sophisticated as many people like to think of her. In her point of view, it makes the story so...so...interesting! Going to try and figure out how to add this to favourites...lol. I seriously can't possibly wait too long for the next update! Mind sharing when that might be? ^.^
Author's Response: I got so sick of reading stories where Lily was so bookish and serious and in the point of view of the Marauders, so I decided to write a snappy, fiery, smart, self-doubting Lily in her view. I'll try to update once a week I guess. I have about 23 chapters already written. It picks up majorly around chapter 6 I think? That's when the main plot comes in. Glad you like it.
Very original start--I liked it. You have in interesting take on everyone's personalilties. I love how you portrayed Sirius and his family. I didn't imagine Remus being quite that shy, though. Yes, he didn't talk much, but he does hang out with James and Sirius. As for Lily--I think I like her. Her personality is a little exaggerated in my opinion, but it makes the story interesting. Next chapter, please!
Author's Response: I'm glad that you like the story. I don't picture Remus that shy either, except when he first starts talking to people. He's sorta shy because he fears they'll figure out he's a werewolf. Anyways, he'll be much more open after he gets to know Lily. Hmm, I never thought of Lily's personality being exaggerated. I just tried to write her to be consistent. Glad you like it though.
I really like how you wrote Lily's character, it's just how I imagined she would be. I can't wait to read more. Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: It's how I always pictured her as well. I got sick of reading stories where she was so bookish and stuff, so I decided to write my own verison. Glad you like it.
Yay! I'm the first to review!
This was so fantastic! I love the way that you write Lily in a new light! Not the same old stuff that she is so perfect and loves rules and duties! I also like how the story is in her perspective! Update soon, I'm going to have to keep an eye on this story!
Author's Response: Ugh, I hate when Lily is pictured as perfect and so Hermione-ish. I never pictured her like that. I'm glad that you like the story!