Character's shouldn't use over-descriptive words like "'enjoying' grapes". To do that you would have to change the entire format of the sentence, and/or insinuate that Isis is MUCH angrier (because only then would someone talk in that particular format of dialogue).
Why the heck did you put hekau's definition at THE END of the page?!!? Seriously?!!? That's more annoying than the characters in Daniel Ehrenhaft's books!!!!
The beginning was a little over descriptive, but the last section was excellent.
wow! so so so so good! i like this a lot, and im always a fan of anything to do with ancient egypt.
i cant wait for the next part!
Hello. I came across this story in the Reccomend a Historical Fiction thread in the forums. It's original and interesting. I love your portrayal of the gods. I've always loved old Myths about Gods and such. I'd love to read the next chapter!
very very gud
i like your story
Wow. Just...wow. I really like this. Isis is powerhungry. I never imagined her to be so, especially as she is already powerful. But as they say, those with power are never content with what they have.
I feel a bit sorry for Osiris, having to put up with her...
I really am impressed by how much cultural detail has gone into the temple scene. I'm assuming that when the Head Priest looked at Isis, he saw a hag? An illusion or something?
Finally, the foreshadowing you include at the end had me shivering. This foretelling of how the gods fell is disturbing, haunting...lovely.
I think this is one of my favorite stories by you. Incredible work, Beth. Just wonderful!
*Hope you feel better, love!*
Wow. This was a short chapter, but there was so much packed into it. I really liked the way the gods interacted, and how Isis simply treats gods that mortals revere and fear with casual disdain.
Why Re chose him to receive my gift of magic, I’ll never know.
Ooh, but isn't this interesting? Re is a pharoah? I always thought he was the sun-god...Hmm. I really enjoy his character, by the way.
Thoth has made me laugh a bit. He's so eager and shy. :p Like an ancient-day Neville.
I absolutely love the twisted Isis. You give her almost a...spoiled feel. She's too powerful for her own good or something.
Very interesting. I can't believe I haven't read this before! *headdesk*
*runs to next chapter*
*A feel better present for you, love!*
Anyway, what an intriguing opening! I love the Binns reference you've put at the very end of it - it sort of leads into what's to come, I think. *will see very soon when she reads the next chapter*
I also liked the interaction between Voldemort and Bellatrix. When she flinched at the signs of his fatigue...that just portrayed a perfect moment for me!
I can't wait to see where you take this!
Wow, this in interesting. I like your portrayal of Thoth (notice my pen name, hah). It's true that I've never seen Isis as anything buy good, so I'll have to keep reading to see where you're taking this!
Hey Beth! First off, I must confess that I have not read anything written by you before [at least, not that I can remember]. I must also confess that I was having trouble picking out which of your fics I would like to read the most, I was determined to read something that had your name on it, and after reading the summary of When We Were Gods, I just absolutely had to totally [/babble] read it. After all, history intertwined with fanfic is always a good combination, and the idea is such a good one that it definitely deserves more than eleven reviews. So, here I am, ready and willing.
It is a rarity to see Voldemort alone in fanfic world, and it's even rarer to see him without any of our favourite heroes trying to take him down. It's nice to see him, and he was most definitely in character. You set up his speech so well, and I love how you managed to give us a reason for the title through his speech. I also love how you showed us his tactics through your prologue, how he forces them to become what they are. This leads to many theories, like if he's beginning to lose followers and he needs more, or does he not care, and does this just because he can, and it was a pep speech? Whichever, it was highly enjoyable, and it brought a joygasm for my brain. :D SO much wonderment!
I do have a few nitpicks that I'm going to let you know about. :)
As all eyes watched him, some expectantly while others apprehensively, he knew he was
above all of them.
This sentence seems like it filled with run ons when it actually isn't -- I'd suggest either separating it somehow, or rearranging it. I'd fix it to something like this: "As the eyes filled with both eagerness and apprehension, the crowd never wavered from the sight of the Dark Lord. He knew as he watched them that he was more than a cut above them all." You don't have to add all that babaloo, but you get the idea. :)
Yes, I see, in even the strongest here, the desire – no, the hunger - to be
I'm not exactly sure what you are trying to convey with this sentence, but I'd take out the "Yes,". I think the word choice is what threw me off, but it may very well be word arrangement [though I still think it's word choice].
He straightened and smiled mirthlessly. “Or – “
Formatting error -- take out the space after the dash, and then make sure the dialogue mark is facing the right way. :)
One last bit to point out is the very last line. I can see what Voldemort is trying to say with that sentence, but I'd expect him not to remember him, or not to remember. I'd make it to where he just says something along the lines of "Sometimes it pays to remember the past" or something along those lines. :)
One line that caught my eye and that I absolutely love is: “Yes.” He was unimpressed; even a Muggle could repeat his words. “But do you understand when this was first, and last, attempted?” This created another joygasm from my brain. Voldemort is so IC in this and it gives even more meaning to how he views his own followers. He only cares for himself, and you show that beautifully.
Beth, I loved it! I'm going to read the rest of what you have posted one day and review it too. But for right now, I leave you with this: Fabulous!
My my, Beth. What a delicious little concoction you seem to be brewing up here. I can't say I've ever read one of your works before, but the title of this one was too good to pass up. I really do love a good title. Gets me all warm and fuzzy inside.
I've always liked prologues when they get done right. You wouldn't think people could mess up a prologue but I've seen it happen, somehow. Of course, yours has got me hooked. The beginning paragraph was no doubt my favorite. I adore the line where you say: 'And he knew this is what he lived for.' It really shows how deeply Voldemort must feel for his powerful status.
Being as this was such a short chapter, it was hard to find a whole lot to talk about. In the area of concrit, I was at a bit of a loss. I think the only point I would make is that I personally would have capitalized 'lord'. It just feels like it ought to be capitalized, seeing as Voldemort is 'the Dark Lord'.
Other than that, nothing to complain about. I think you did a wonderful job capturing readers with this (as I have found myself thoroughly captured), and I'm really liking the entire tone you're getting at. Plus, the idea of Voldemort taking History and trying to learn from it - possibly better what was attempted in the past - is really a neat idea.
Amazing job so far, dear. I'll be sure to keep up with this one.
Another very enjoyable chapter. The only thing though, is that you have written 'Iris' instead of 'Isis' three or four times in the first several paragraphs. Is this intentional or a mistake? If it is intentional, what it the meaning behind it?
Overall it was very well written. I have to begin by saying that I am well-versed in the history of ancient Egypt.
I like how you portrayed Isis as more of, say, a Bellatrix character. You DID put a large spin on her character.
I noticed that you made the hekau like Wormtail. He follows orders for fear of torture and death. Just like Wormtail.
But, I think you may have gotten your time range wrong. Wasn't Osiris pharoh? He was the greatest god of them all, then Re followed after him. Are we talking about the afterlife here?
Also, in the prologue, Bella killed somebody. That's as far as I understood the Death Eater meeting. Why did she kill him? I really didn't find a reason.
Are you portraying the Death Eaters as reincarnations of the Gods?
When I read the prologue, you gave a wonderful insight into Voldemort's mind. He thought like I would have imagined him to think. Very logical, very put-together.
I know that Isis will become a god, but how so? I know she was refused this in the beginning, but she was a God in real life. So will there be murder involved?
I am extremely interedted to see where this will go. If you are following history, you have a lot of plot to cover. I'm sure you will make it a worthwhile read.
Author's Response: Oh good, questions. I love questions.
Yes, Osiris was pharaoh for a time. However, Re assumed the throne after Osiris died and became god of the dead. You are right; Osiris came before Re, but for the purpose of this story, we'll make Osiris the subordinate :)
Bella killed someone because of the stinking fear that reeked from that one person. Voldemort sensed that one person as the weakest out of the lot. Also, Voldemort wanted to intimidate the others into joining; you don't join, you can die with that man.
No, I'm not portraying the Death Eaters as reincarnations. I'm telling the story that Voldemort heard, leading to his decision to carry out with his plans.
Isis is a goddess already. I probably haven't made it clear yet, but it will be soon. The gods are wizards, simply put.
Thanks for your intriguing questions!
Wow, marvelous job. Your descriptions of the human emotions were very well done. I love your fic! I can't wait to see where you take this. Great job!
It's interesting...I've never read this kind of story before; it definitely is original. Yes, you are right...Isis is usually portrayed as the benevolent type--the mother and all that. Here, however, she seems more like Bellatrix Lestrange than the Mother of the Fertile Nile.
It's an odd character twist...but it involves many of the deities of Egyptian mythology and I really like that, :).
Ooh, he's cruel...even to those who follow him the closest. Poor Bellatrix; she really needs to find someone who will appreciate her.
So, I'm assuming this is the first "meeting" of the Death Eaters? Or, rather, the time that Voldemort and Bellatrix recruit them? So this means that...wow, the whole gang is here! Lucius, Peter, Crabbe and Goyle, Rookwood; what about Bellatrix' husband? Is he here, too?
Overall, very effective. And it ties in well with what Bellatrix screams at the Ministry in the fifth book; when they take she, her husband, Barty Crouch Jr., and one other to Azkaban.
She says that she was the Dark Lord's most faithful/loyal Death Eater. I like how you've tied into that, :).
Bellatrix is portrayed very well here, too. She is insanely loyal...almost to the point of obsession. Kudos to you!
*Revels in the ancient mythology* I love it! What a beautifully crafted chapter. Your praise of my own story means so much more to me now. I am thoroughly fascinated! I can't wait to see what you have in store!
I really love the way you make the gods come to life. I was so amused to see that the young magician sending the message to Isis was Thoth! To think of the god of wisdom as a young boy just cracks me up. I also really love the way you have incorporated those ancient words into the story, too. It gives it so much more depth, I think.
I'm intrigued to see why Re was so distrubed by Isis' warning. I'll be waiting on tenterhooks for the next chapter!
Author's Response: *giggles* I like Thoth as a young boy too. Thanks so much!