Okay, I get a much better feeling for Bellatrix in this story. Partially because she’s younger, and partially because this is the history that’s missing from the last story I read. If this is how the Black sisters grew up in your mind, the other story begins to make more sense - though it seems like I’m making less.
The writing was mostly pretty clean, but a bit choppy. I’d like to see more variety in sentence structure, and perhaps less periods. I also found a few nitpicks (I always find a few nitpicks!) Anxiously, she moved her had back and forth. Her long mane of hair, swinging behind her. Her eyes flashed through the crowd of unfamiliar faces. Either the first or the second period need to be a comma. “Her long mane of hair, swinging behind her” is a fragment that would work with either of the other sentences. Also - “Sorry, Mother,” she replied, softly, leaving her sister on the ground, with tears in her eyes. It’s a bit unclear who has tears in their eyes there. I’m assuming Narcissa, but it tripped me up.
I really liked some of the lines about her father, especially that she’s forgiven him his shortcomings. You’re making her a very responsible child, even a very loving child. I could see that generosity hurting her later, making her cynical. I like how shaky her explanations for the pureblood prejudice are, but how firmly she believes in it, as evidenced by this, my favorite line:She had every right to be educated in magic, unlike many of her classmates.
Author's Response: *smiles* I knew who this review was from as soon as I saw it. I'm glad this helped clear up a few things for you. I honestly wasn't sure if it would or not, but I thought it was the most likely.
I'll look into the grammar things. Those are the type of mistakes I often make when working quickly, but I usually pick them up when proofreading. Knowing me, I decided to proofread in the wee hours of the morning, but thanks for pointing it out.
And very good. You pinpointed what I consider the thing that hurt Bella the most. Her generosity and love towards those she cares about. Also, I think Andromeda's betrayl was particularly hard on her, probably more so than the rest of the family, although she would never admit it. In my mind, Bella would have raised her sisters far more than their parents. I think she was heartbroken to see Andromeda walk away from them. And although she was hurt and angry, she could never truly stop loving her sister.
Thanks so much for the review. :D
This is incredibly cute, and well-written. It's a little bit creepy to see them so young and sweet, since we know what they (especially Bellatrix) are like as adults.
Narcissa is so cute!
Author's Response: Hey, glad you enjoyed it.
Actually, the point was kind of to show that they weren't always the way they are now. None of the older characters were born as cynical as they are now. People grow to be the way they are because of their experiences.
Also, I think of Narcissa as a very adorable child. I also believe that she was really girly. Probably way more girly than her older sisters. I can't imagine that Bella was ever your typical girl.:D
Thanks so much for the review!
That was very depressing. The story itself wasn't, but when you think of what they all became... It puts a frown on my face. :( But I really liked the story, especially the name 'doopsy.' -giggles-
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm glad you enjoyed my story.
I find that a lot of stories from this time are depressing because we know what is going to become of the characters and they don't. Stories about any of the Blacks or the Maurauders just have that feel about them. It makes you think, sure everything is okay now, but we know what your future holds.
Doopsy's name was actually a last minute thing. I was writting away and I got to the part where she came in and I realized that I hadn't thought of a name for her. For some reason Doopsy was the first thing I thought of.
Thanks again for the review!
"She would always be there to take care of them..." Interesting...
Author's Response: Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the review!
Wow. Even though her personality is very different from the Bellatirx' we meet later, I think this could well be what her childhood was like. I loved the comment she made about her father, and all the feelings she has for her sisters. It really shows that she was forced to grow up faster than she should have had to. Also, there is a kind of devotion she feels for her sisters that is a bit similar (though more kind, I guess) to that she feels for Voldemort much later.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
Yeah, in a lot of ways Bella's personality is different from when we meet her in the books. But we have to remember that this is Bella as an eleven year old child, and that is Bella as a full grown woman who has seen and done horrible things, spent years of her life in Azkaban. The woman we meet in the books has lived through a lot more than this child.
As for Bella's devotion, it is my opinion that the Black family is very loyal. We have seen that loyalty in the books from Sirius, Bella, Narcissa, and even a little bit from Draco. I think that it is a very strong Black trait.
Thank you again for reviewing. I love reviews!
This was ONCE AGAIN uttely amazing! I loved how you made Andromeda question why Mudbloods were inferior and I loved adorable, little Narcissa. It makes perfect sense that at one time the three Black sisters had this bond and that they loved Bella dearly, as she was their big sister and role model. Very well written and about our favorite Death Eater too!! Yay for Bellatrix!! Yay for good writing! Yay for champagne which I'm not allowed to drink!! Great job!!!
Author's Response: Hello again! Thank you so much for always reviewing. It really means a lot.
I kind of figured that Andromeda would question her familiy's beliefs the most from the very start, so I tried to show that. And little Narcissa was a lot of fun to write. I picture her as the cutest little girl, very very girly.
I believe that the Black sisters have always, and will always have a certain bond. Even after everything that has happened, they are still sisters. And somewhere beneath all of their pretending and roleplaying, I believe that bond is still there.
Thank you again for being a very wonderful reviewer. And I saw your special thank-you on your authors page. That was very sweet. I love your writing very much!
Good story. I see how Bella's parents have influenced her character, but she is far too nice and friendly. Yes, she doesn't like Mudbloods, but she should hate them. Also, there is no mention of Slytherin or Bella's friends. Very well written, I see you put in the beginnings of Bella and Andromeda's relationship with each other as well. Excellent beginning, I hope you continue with this.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing. I'm glad you enjoyed my story.
And no, Bella doesn't absolutly hate Mudbloods. She is only eleven years old. There's only so much she understands. And I wanted her to be nice, the point of this story was to show a bond between the Black sisters. But now that you mention it, it might have been a good idea for me to have talked a bit about Slytherin and Bella's friends within her house. Hmmm...
This story is part of a series, The Bella Files, which are just stories about Bella's life. I don't plan to expand on this particular story, but there are more timbits about Bella's life in the series. I am currently planning a chaptered fic for the series, but it is still in the outline phase.
Thank you again for the review!