that was a good story. I liked it a lot hope to find more.
You say this is your first fanfic, but it is AWESOME!! You really capture JKR's style, and your use of canon in unexpected ways is AMAZING! GREAT job, keep up the TERRIFIC work!!!
I loved it and I can't wait for a sequel! I give it a 10!
Constructive criticism, eh? I'm getting very good at that. Anyway, I see nothing that needs to be corrected; your grammar and spelling is all perfect from what I can tell. Another part of constructive criticism is telling what one liked. That way the author can keep on doing that. So, I really liked how you started off in the middle of the year. Often, the plot doesn't start until then, and most people loose interest. But this way they get hooked within the first chapter.
“In spite of Hermione’s pact, it was difficult for Harry to not think about Voldemort; it’s hard to keep someone whom you know wants to kill you off your mind.” I particularly liked this because the thought had not accured to me. Things like this do well when explained, because often people are to busy reading to actually think about what’s written.
”I fear I will be the next victim of Miss Weasley’s bat-boogey hex if I keep you from your friends any longer.” This was well in character for Dumbledore, and was a good way to show humor in this particular chapter. It wasn’t considered clichéd humor, which is what’s good about it.
I liked the butterfly hairpins; they were original. People will most likely like original ideas for things like this rather than already made products. It’s the small things that keep people waiting for what you will do next. People like details, and seeing as you’re good at creating things, use that! You’ll notice in Mrs. Rowling’s books that new things like this are added in almost every chapter. I’m not at all suggesting this, (it takes to long) but small things like potions and spell names are very good to add in.
I’m glad that we get to see more of Lupin. He’s one of my favorite characters, and we often don’t get to see much of him. Since Sirius is gone, I always thought we should see more of Lupin, and you’re doing very good on that.
so, how’s that for constructive criticism? Sometimes I get very short reviews and wonder, “Well what did you like about it?” So I always give nice think reviews. I managed to get a 406 word review out of six chapters! Anyway, you’re doing wonderfully on this story! Great job! 9/10. That’s on a very tough scale, so nine out of ten is really good!
Author's Response: How kind of you to critique my writing - especially since you liked it! Thank you for the specific popints made; most authors find those very helpful, and I appreciate it! I'm currently working on a women's fiction/fantasy novel, but I hope to get back to writing here on Mugglenet before too long. Thanks again for your kind words! Nancy;)
Why the romance section?
I thought the title was The First Battle, now it is Christmas at Hogwrts. What happened?
Author's Response: Oops! Thanks for letting me know; all fixed . . . I think!
I have just finished reading your story from start to finish. It was great. I wish you well with your published works and hope you will get around to writing a sequel. Great Job
I read this story in its entirety, so I'm just submitting a review at the end of the last chapter. I loved this story and I thought your ideas were unique and the writing was very well done. I hope to see a sequel someday!
ummm, hermione would be an otter not a bunny, 'cause her patronus is an otter
That was great. there should most defintly be a sequel
i loved it! but i agree, you should totally write a sequel!! good job!!
yeah, a sequel would definately be a good thing.
I agree,write a sequel
Author's Response: I want to thank everyone who has been so kind to review my story. I am so flattered; I never expected this kind of response. Unfortunately, time does not permit me to work on a sequel at present, as I am trying to get a book published. It is (obviously) not a Harry Potter story (would that I was JK Rowling!), but it does include an interesting element of fantasy. Look for it in bookstores around Christmas (she says optimistically); it is called "Dragonwife" (copyright Nancy C. Holaday, 2005) BTW, I loved writing this story, and if I can find time, I'll try to write a sequel for my loyal readership! You guys are great!! warmly, Nancy ;)
Don't end it!!!! Write a sequal!!
crazy... wow... wicked awesome...
You can't end the story like that!!!!! Your are one of the most fantastic authors on the site and ending the story here is gonna make me explode with anticipation about Aunt Petunia and everything!!!!! the bomb inside me is ticking!!! *1,2* lol (10/10)
its over????? it cant be over!!!! what happens????? u can't just end the story there!!! I NEED MORE!!!!!! write a sequal or sumthing??? are u planning a sequal?? u should!!!! ahhhhhhh!! it cant be over!!!! it was great until i saw the "THE END"!!!
d-d-d-done? no...no it just can't be!! no please ill write a million more reviews, just write more please more!!! PLEASE!!!
what-its done?! You have to write a sequel!!! Well I think your story's great; however I do agree that the ending was a bit abrupt. I agree with a lot of the other reviewers, you should say what happens in the aftermath of the war, and how Aunt Petunia learns magic. I defiantly think you should write a sequel:) You’re a great author!!!
Author's Response: Thank you. Wow, I never expected this kind of response! I hadn't really planneed on writing a sequel - I'm working on a book I hope to have published and I really need to get back to it! But I will consider it if time allows. I really didn't mean to leave you all hanging, but I also didn't intend to write Ms. Rowling's book for her - she's the one who needs to tell us what happens to Harry, Petunia and the others! Again, thank you all so much for your involvement and opinions. Without you, writing would be no fun! Warmly, Nancy ;)
wait what ur done?!?!?! NO NO NO u have to finish!!!! i demand a sequal ur story is to good!!!! Keep writting