Reviews For The Second War
Reviewer: Chaser47
Date: 07/31/06 13:07
Chapter: Prologue

Let me start out by saying that you have a very original concept; one that I haven't ever really seen before. However, I think a bit more backstory is needed as to why the wizards are living underground. You mentioned the strict Muggle government, but I think that elaboration would have been good. You say that being different isn't good, but there is never really a reason behind why it is bad, why the government doesn't want variation.

The transition between the first and second paragraph is a bit awkward. Perhaps you should add something like asteriks in between to make it flow more smoothly and indicate a change of speaker better.

In the fourth paragraph, you day that Lexi hears footsteps on the roof of her house, and that confused me a bit. For one, I believed that her home was underground, and that the roof was made of earth. Also, though, it seems as if she solves the problem of the footsteps on the roof by encountering her parents in the kitchen, which didn't really seem to have anything to do with the roof.

I like the way you gave Lexi the talent of drawing, it adds a lot to her character. The way she sees it as an escape is also a good description.

A few paragraphs downs, Lexi is running towards the marketplace, following the footsteps again. I thought that she stopped looking for their source when she overheard her parents in the kitchen.

Nice backstory on the man with the guitar; it leaves the reader wanting more.

Anyways, very original story and keep up the good work!

Reviewer: LexiGirl
Date: 07/18/06 18:55
Chapter: Prologue

Wow! Awesome start! The words quickly drew me in from the very beggining. I'm looking forward to see what happens in the next chapter. But if it takes time to create another chapter like this than take as long as you want (but I'm still looking forward to the next chapter!) Anyways I would rate your story 10/10 Great Job!

Reviewer: cenedra
Date: 07/18/06 9:15
Chapter: Prologue

very interesting first chapter, i'm looking forward to reading more.

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
The Green Knight Rises by Kerichi 6th-7th Years
In Creevey Wizard Comics, the Green Knight aids those in need under the cloak...
The Deathly Children by teh tarik 6th-7th Years
Summer, 1899. In the village of Godric's Hollow, the Dumbledore family is falling...
Not From Others by FloreatCastellum 6th-7th Years
She may not have been able to join Harry, Ron and Hermione, but Ginny refuses...
FEATURED
Whatever Happened to Saturday Night by Simply Being 3rd-5th Years
A short tale of the Marauder's friendship and its subsequent demise. Songfic...
Love is Like a Wrong Turn on a Cold Night by lucca4 6th-7th Years
Michael Corner muses on his short-lived relationship with Daphne Greengrass...
Maps by the opaleye Professors
Tell me, is the rose naked Or is that her only dress? -Pablo Neruda Four...
Pineapple in the Library by 1000timesingoldenink 1st-2nd Years
It's late on a Sunday evening, and Neville has a couple of questions...Why is...
CATEGORIES