Reviews For The Second War
Reviewer: Chaser47
Date: 07/31/06 13:07
Chapter: Prologue

Let me start out by saying that you have a very original concept; one that I haven't ever really seen before. However, I think a bit more backstory is needed as to why the wizards are living underground. You mentioned the strict Muggle government, but I think that elaboration would have been good. You say that being different isn't good, but there is never really a reason behind why it is bad, why the government doesn't want variation.

The transition between the first and second paragraph is a bit awkward. Perhaps you should add something like asteriks in between to make it flow more smoothly and indicate a change of speaker better.

In the fourth paragraph, you day that Lexi hears footsteps on the roof of her house, and that confused me a bit. For one, I believed that her home was underground, and that the roof was made of earth. Also, though, it seems as if she solves the problem of the footsteps on the roof by encountering her parents in the kitchen, which didn't really seem to have anything to do with the roof.

I like the way you gave Lexi the talent of drawing, it adds a lot to her character. The way she sees it as an escape is also a good description.

A few paragraphs downs, Lexi is running towards the marketplace, following the footsteps again. I thought that she stopped looking for their source when she overheard her parents in the kitchen.

Nice backstory on the man with the guitar; it leaves the reader wanting more.

Anyways, very original story and keep up the good work!

Reviewer: LexiGirl
Date: 07/18/06 18:55
Chapter: Prologue

Wow! Awesome start! The words quickly drew me in from the very beggining. I'm looking forward to see what happens in the next chapter. But if it takes time to create another chapter like this than take as long as you want (but I'm still looking forward to the next chapter!) Anyways I would rate your story 10/10 Great Job!

Reviewer: cenedra
Date: 07/18/06 9:15
Chapter: Prologue

very interesting first chapter, i'm looking forward to reading more.

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
A Ship to Wreck by FloreatCastellum 6th-7th Years
And good God, under starry skies we are lostAnd into the breach we got tossedAnd...
Epithalamium by Squibstress Professors
Minerva McGonagall is a bright, talented witch with dreams of becoming the first...
The Apothecary and the Bane by Icarus Unbound 1st-2nd Years
The apothecary receives a visitor in the wizarding slums of London.
FEATURED
Twilit Confessions by ahattab33 3rd-5th Years
After returning from Australia with the Grangers, Ron realises the moment to...
Soul Sister by hestiajones 1st-2nd Years
Ted and Andromeda have just eloped. So, they dance. A songfic featuring...
Time and Tide by minnabird 6th-7th Years
Filius has seen her all his life: the Woman. She has been drifting through time...
Footprints in the Sand by Equinox Chick 6th-7th Years
It was a summer like any other for Danny. He worked at his parents' Bed and...
Consolation by Gmariam 3rd-5th Years
For years, Remus Lupin found comfort in the arms of Rosmerta Richardson...until...
Dangerous Liaisons by eternalangel 6th-7th Years
It was a dangerous game she was playing; Dorcas Meadowes knew it, but the exhilaration...
CATEGORIES