I will go to a happy place
This doesn't seem quite right. Perhaps "better place"? Happy place breaks the mood you've created through the story. Otherwise, really well done.
Author's Response: Well, she is going to be with Charlie, so it is happy to her. Thank you.
I am very mixed with this story. It is well written, Leah, and the events seem believable, but there seems to be something missing.
The character of Alia, in my opinion, need to be fleshed out a bit more. I’m pretty sure you know who she is and have her developed, but in a one-shot like this, it’s hard to really show the reader who the character is. Right now, all I know is that she lost her family due to Voldemort and that she is fighting in the war. I think if you would have had a prologue or another chapter before this about Alia, the reader would have more of an idea about who she is and feel for her even more.
Apart from that, you’ve got a really good story here. The events seem realistic if Voldemort had conquered over Harry, and I loved that the plot Alia and Charlie heard about was a set-up.
I didn’t find many nitpicks with this story but here’s one that I had to include:
We would talk well into the night when he and a few of his fellow comrades stayed at the inn I worked at in Russia, where I had moved to get away from the war.
I would maybe break this sentence up somehow. It seems a tad long.
Also, I wonder why you keep referring to those with Charlie as the “fighters”. It makes me think: what happened to the aurors? Did the Ministry fall as it did in Deathly Hallows? These are questions I think that a prologue or first chapter could have answered.
Overall, nicely done, Leah!
Author's Response: Thanks, KC. I have been working on a WIP for a while, a prequel to this. But, it has been coming slowly and it isn't ready yet. Maybe you will get a better picture of Alia then. Thank you!
I don't think I've ever read anything like this! It's a very original one-shot, with a great oc. I like how you only learn a little bit about her life, but in the end, the reader feels like he knows Alia. The inclusion of Charlie was great too!
Another aspect that was great was that in the end, she says that love and hope will save the world, not, as with a lot of other fics, that Harry's love and hope will save them. I think this fic can teach us all something, great wizards and humble Muggles alike. :D Brilliant.
Author's Response: Oh! Thank you! *blushes* I am glad you liked it!
I knew I had read this before! Very poignant, sad, informative. Lovely job.
Author's Response: Thank you, again!
This was an original take on a post-HP fic. I like the sense of urgency to it, even though she is telling a story that must be painful, she pushes on because she's got to. It's emotional because you know this is the only way to keep the past alive, and for her that must be very important. I like the style and the atmosphere, and the character was nicely rounded. Good job.
Author's Response: Oh, thank you! *loves nice reviews*
Wow. The moment I started reading, the story gripped me, pulling me into another world. And when I finished, I blinked and let go of a long breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. Your writing is great.
Alia seems to a be a very, very real character. What I'm really interested about is how you made your OC so believable despite some very common characteristics you gave her. She is beautiful, and a fighter against the Dark Lord, a very determined and strong person... yet she confesses her weakness to the reader in such an honest and un-caring manner that I think this is what makes her so realistic. She confesses that she is afraid and that she'd go on thinking herself as a coward if it hadn't been for Charlie. She is afraid, but trying to get away from the war due to her fear makes her feel as if she's acting cowardly, and this portrays a weak character. But her fears and her weaknesses, which, I believe, are firstly her parents, then Charlie, and then every Wizard in the world in danger, are what makes her strong and a true fighter.
I also liked how well you conveyed the atmosphere of war and terror through Alia's narrative.
Still, I felt like this piece is more like a fairy-tale tale than a realistic story. It must be because of the language and style: since this is a letter, written hastily and in rush to tell everything, it is very intense. An absolutely wonderful story would come out of all the information you give in this letter ;)
To conclude, I really liked this story (but it must clear so far!). Wonderful writing! :)
Author's Response: Thank you! I am glad you liked it! Alia just flowed out of me...I never had a problem writing her, she sort of wrote herself. Thank you again!
I love it when Voldemort wins just because I"m almost certain it won't happen in canon. This was a really touching story, the simplicity of it tugged at the emotions. It was one of those times when you weren't sad that she died but grateful she didn't have to live in the hell that resulted from the fall of Harry Potter. Speaking of...
Harry Potter fell at 9 o’clock at night on his seventeenth birthday.
That line though it might seem cliche to some, is perfectly tragic. I almost feel like it needs to be seperated from the rest of the paragraph so people can let that beautifully simple line sink in. It's as if time stands still for a moment as the world realizes Harry Potter, their one hope, just died. It really touched me.
I really have a bad problem with OC's when I read a story with an OC I look for anything to make them a Mary-Sue and so I was trying to do that with Alia but then with this line you dispelled all my qualms with her.
I had always felt that I had no right looking like my mother when I was so cowardly;
What depth that has! What a wonderful look into her character to see this! Well done!
The best part of this whole story is how your simple narration tells a truly moving and wonderful story even though it is dark and hopeless (only not as Alia reveals in the end).
Thank you for my banner :)
Author's Response: WOW! Thank you! Your review brought tears to me eyes. Thank you! I don't think a banner is enough for this beautiful review! I will look at that line and I just might change it! :D ~Leah
wow. This is a great story, very well written.
Author's Response: Thank you! I am glad you liked it!
very nice letter. the summary said treason against the Dark Lord, which made me think she would become a Death Eater and then betray LV. What she actually did is resistance, maybe, not treason. Very well written, excellent character developement.
Author's Response: Well, in that day and age, everyone was suppose to be loyal to the Dark Lord and she wasn't. So...he considered it treason. Thank you for the review! ~Leah
awww...soo sad...so bittersweet...i'll be crying anytime now...
Author's Response: Aw....*gives tissue* Thank you for reading and reviewing!
woah you made me cry
Author's Response: Oh! I am guessing by the 10/10 it was a good cry...*phew* Thank you for reviewing! :D
Leah – Per your request, I’ve read Last Letter, and I’m a bit befuddled. Just who is this Alia? Not who are her parents and where does she come from, but WHO is she? I don’t feel her. I don’t feel her emotions or her ‘reality’. This fic is a narration of events, events that we witness through the eyes of the storyteller. We need to know the person telling the story before we can care what they have to say.
I’m not trying to be harsh. I think your sequence of events is very well thought-out, and highly likely, should Harry fall. However, the telling is disjointed and the narrator is a vague character. Alia needs development and the story itself needs a bit of flesh added to it.
Please don’t misunderstand, I do like what you’ve done. I just feel that it could be better, given a few tweaks. Show your readers what Alia is like, what her personality is, and they will care what becomes of her. The plot itself is fantastic, and had the narrator been someone we already knew (ie canon), you’d have had my full attention.
I adore your characterisation of Charlie, though I’m not sure why recovering wizards are hiding in Russia. Your imagery is fantastic: Green enveloped us; Earth cradled us as we fell one-by-one., though you may have wanted to delete the hyphens from ‘one-by-one’ and put a comma after ‘fell’. It’s beautiful.
Love brings hope; hope brings strength, and that is what will defeat him. That is a gorgeous line. You’re very talented, Leah, and I really enjoyed the story.
Author's Response: Aw...thank you. I understand about Alia, really showing someone in a one-shot letter is hard, I did my best. I got the inspiration for her and wrote! I am working on prequel to this one-shot and hopefully you will get a better idea of who she is. Thank you for the review, you have given something to think about while writing the chaptered events leading to this. :D ~Leah
Very touching. Very, very touching. I'm never fond of Harry dying and not defeating You-Know-Who, but that position opened up for this short tale to present the reader something intriguing. I like how you develop a connection with Charlie Weasley so we don't feel as though we're completely unattached from the character of Alia.
I also greatly enjoyed the call to action this letter presents. I'm sure the others in the Wizarding world would definitely heed her words, and it would even be interesting to see a follow-up with someone who reads the letter and takes her advice.
Overall, great one-shot. It's amazing what some people can do in just a little over 1,000 words.
Author's Response: WOW! Thank you. That was the best review I have ever gotten! Thank you, for your kind words!
Awww...I loved it. So sad. Really well done. This sounds very much like what the wizarding world would be like if Voldie were to win the war. I really enjoyed it.
Author's Response: Thank you! *smiles*
That was beautiful! Wow, there are SO many great stories in this challenge (I entered one as well), I'm excited to see what the mods have to say! Your story was extremely moving, though incredibly sad. Great job, good luck! I loved it!
Author's Response: Thank you! Good luck to you as well!
I love this story so much. It's so honest and pretty - and sad, yes. (I was close to tears, and that's pretty impressive coming from me C= )
There's really nothing to criticize and I really can't say much more.
Ah. Just really, really good work. =D
Author's Response: Thank you so very much! *smiles*
I really think this is the best contest submission for this challenge. I almost cried- and keep in mind I rarely cry. But I was shaking all over when I was done with this story, and that only happens when I read or see something really, really good. Excellent job- 10/10.
Author's Response: Thank so much! Your review makes me what to cry for joy. Thank you so much!
It's so sad and dark in the start, and then the end is hopeful. like she has hope for future generations. I like fics like that. I like the refrence to the veil (Sirius *sheds a tear*)
Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you like it. *phew* No one is getting upset about the ending...
wow. just, wow. that was very powerful. not too many details or chatacters or confusing plot twists, just simple and emotional. very good job, this is wonderfully written.
Author's Response: Thank you! *is getting teary eyed from all the good reviews*
I loved the closing line. It was powerful and completely summed up the story.
After helping the fight against Voldemort, evading capture for so long, fighting for her family, Alia Cain-Weasley was going to die, and she wasn't afraid. She has a powerful character.
I like your writing style. Subtle, yet descriptive. It has closure, but still leaves the reader wondering. Wonderful!
Author's Response: Wow...Thank you! That was an awesome review! You get chocolate! *gives chocolate* :) Thank you, again!