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Reviews For Make Me Better

Name: to_Sirius_for_you (Signed) · Date: 03/16/09 7:46 · For: Chapter 8
I think this is a very intreting fic and I hope you update it soon.

Name: Heiress_of_Insanity_ (Signed) · Date: 02/04/09 9:52 · For: Chapter 8
OMG update!!! =D

But poor Rose! And Alex is being kind of insensitive (then again, the both are ^.^).

I find it amusing how you have characters that we know from the HP books show up in your story - and for some reason, I just remembered that with Wood o.0

OK, I have to go, because my mom's bugging me about doing math, BUT awesome chapter, and pwetty pweeze update soon!~


Author's Response: LOL THANKS. I'll update as soon as I can. Promise!

Name: Julla (Signed) · Date: 02/04/09 8:28 · For: Chapter 8
Love the story.
Update soon :)

Name: Cirelondiel (Signed) · Date: 11/25/08 2:06 · For: Chapter 7

Hey Sunray!

I really like this story so far. Your characters are quite interesting and the plot is good: I loved the conflict that occurred based on Alex's misunderstanding, that was very clever. I'm also very interested to see how the promise Alex made ties into it all.

The main issue with this fic would have to be detail. The chapters are short, which is not a bad thing in itself, but I really feel that you could flesh this story out a bit more. Some subplots and more backstory for the secondary characters could help, and perhaps you could try to do more than simply describe the events. For example, adding in some small touches of description of the setting could really anchor this fic at Hogwarts and bring it to life. The writing seems to be mostly dialogue and narration, with very little description. Of course, you don't want to bog it down, but I think it needs some balance and detail. You have improved on this in later chapters, though. The scene where they met Iris outside Hagrid's hut (complete with Fang!) definitely improved my feel for the setting and made it much more like a HP book.

The structure is good, though: you use the first couple of chapters to provide a few details on the characters, and then build up plotlines based on them.

The ending of chapter 2 stood out to me: "With a fake cocky grin he moved his Queen. Right out of danger." It's a nice metaphor, showing that he's not within Rose's grasp. That was a simple yet effective end to the chapter.

Gosh, Charlie almost works the Quidditch team harder than Oliver! I like it - the insane captain character can provide lots of entertainment. Just as long as he's not a replica of Wood - but your Charlie does have a bit more of a sense of humour than pure Oliver zealousness! You've slipped some good Weasley traits into Charlie - he's very believable.

You seem to have left a few of your beta's notes in in Chapter 6 ;). Things like [delete me] made me do a double take...

I love the little bits of humour you put in (like Charlie kicking out the fangirls at the Quidditch practice ;p). They provide a bit of balance to the angsty/romance parts, and make the characters and story more believable.

Rose and Alex's relationship is nice: they're such good friends, and there's lots of little details that show how close they are: "[he] tickled her elbow – an old joke, the source of which she could not remember...". The reader can really feel the fragility that exists now that Rose's feelings have changed and she doesn't want to upset the delicate balance. I think you do a great job of showing her emotions - I can relate to her feelings and the fact that she wants to protect herself from pain. You evoke all the angst and gossip and relationship issues of high school really well (especially in the opening of chapter 4!) :)

Remember, if you're adding speech tags (like 'he said') after a piece of dialogue, don't capitalise he or she, even if it was a question. There were a few issues with that, mainly in earlier chapters.

There are also a couple of instances of Americanisms, as other reviewers have pointed out - perhaps you could get a British beta to look over it to help you out?

I can really see your writing improving as the fic progresses! This story has great potential, so I'm looking forward to reading more :D I hope Rose and Alex get a happy ending!

-- Chels

Author's Response: First off OMG thank you so so so so so so much for the review. I need criticism badly. Second, I agree with what you said about detailing. I feel obligated to tell you that some of the first chapters were written over two years ago (a rather sore point, I kind of abandoned it in favor of my other WIP and writer's block.) After I came back to it though, I came back with the experience of a pure D/A WIP (yet to be finished) and over a dozen One-Shots. So I'm trying to add detailing, but old habits die hard. I'm going over Chapter six now to get rid of tose mistakes. I can't believe I did that! I am trying real hard about Americanisms down to writing while talking in a british accent. Yes, I am weird like that. I'll send it over to a british friend of mine in the future. Finally, I am glad you liked it! I promise to attept to keep Rose and Alex's relationship as whole as I can muster. High school will always be highschool, don’t worry. As for happy endings…You'll just have to wait and see ;) <3 Sunray

Name: Heiress_of_Insanity_ (Signed) · Date: 11/04/08 20:38 · For: Chapter 7
lol, PMS, forever taking the blame XD And I'm kinda confused about the whole Alex thing - he thought that Rose had a bf who had cheated on her, and was angry at him, but it just seemed like he was angry at her or was he really angry at her? My mind cannot deal with drama unless I make it up! (and then it's so complicated no one else can understand it XD)

I have to say, WOOTZ quick update! I get you and Schmergo 2 days in a row=boo yes!

Ah, poor Rose! She cried...the whole entire chapter, methinks. ;_; Teenage hormones. Can't wait for everything to sort itself out...in, oh, ten chapters or so. lol. No typos; my only complaint? Too short, once again! =) (i'm too obsessed with emoticons...) Please update soon!!~


Author's Response: Lol - Alex thought Rose had a boyfriend he didn't know about, and he was angry at her for not telling him, because he told her EVERYTHING about his love-life, and for her to hide it from him...And in a way I think he was angry at her for not letting him be there for her... Next chapter will come soon, (I've already written about half of it, methinks) So all that is needed now, is the other half, and a betaing!

Name: Heiress_of_Insanity_ (Signed) · Date: 10/21/08 13:29 · For: Chapter 6
Dun dun duuuunnnnnn.....

Ah, Alex! Now he's going to, like, stop talking to Rose DX NOT FAIR!!!!! Of course, I did that to a dude at camp...but we made up. Only Alex is more important at the mo, because I think he is *squee* worthy now (or maybe I thought that before...only I can't remember)!

There weren't any typos of the spelling variety, but this

forehead [no comma] and feigned

happened five or six times. lol, when I first saw it, I was like "Wuuuut???"

The plot thickens! I liked the chapter, but it was too short =( Although...it would have been hard to lengthen it and leave off at the same place without making it all boring *pay no attention to the girl behind this review* SO. YAY UPDATE!!! Please update again soon; I missed this story.~


PS: The World of Warcraft ad is very shiny, isn't it? It keeps distracting me as I write this review. XD Toodaloo! (hey, that rhymes! signing off now)

Author's Response: :D I find I have fallen in love with Alex XD So don't worry, there's a lot more of him coming up. The next chapter is coming uber soon - I have most of it written, but it is very short, so I may yet lengthen it...But definatly a lot shorter than the last wait was....<3Thanks for the review!

Name: Heiress_of_Insanity_ (Signed) · Date: 06/10/08 14:08 · For: Chapter 5
Yay! *does the update dance*

Aw, Alex was being so sweet at the end, comforting Rose like that. And I do feel kind of sorry for her, not being captain and all.

Hm...I'm kind of wondering what time Charlie did wake them up...Five? Six? Some ungodly hour, to be sure ;) I hate friends that do that, no matter how much I love them. =D

I only spotted one typo, which was...well, I can't find it, but it was two words run together, without a space in the middle...GAH, this is annoying me now! Oh well. *shrug*

My only complaint? It was too short. =) Good luck on those tests!~


Author's Response: lolol I was thinking around 4:30-5:00 :) Anyhow, I'll get the next chapter asap! Thanks for the review!

Name: eragonlvr112 (Signed) · Date: 06/07/08 15:43 · For: Chapter 4
Please do update, rather amazing story!

Author's Response: I promise! Just as soon as the Writer's Block eases up! I'm glad you like it!

Name: eragonlvr112 (Signed) · Date: 06/05/08 13:10 · For: Chapter 4
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please update! I love your work, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Name: eragonlvr112 (Signed) · Date: 06/05/08 13:10 · For: Chapter 4
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please update! I love your work, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Name: eragonlvr112 (Signed) · Date: 06/05/08 13:10 · For: Chapter 4
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please update! I love your work, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Author's Response: Don't worry - Chapter 5 is in the queue....NOW.

Name: Heiress_of_Insanity_ (Signed) · Date: 04/14/08 14:41 · For: Chapter 4
Oh, I do like Iris! She's very nice and caring - but I especially loved her simple way of saying 'It's time to yell at the boys now'. She reminds me somewhat of Ann Bradshaw from A Great and Terrible Beauty. =)

In the thirteen Alex and Clarise had been dating

In the thirteen what, exactly? Minutes? Hours? Days? Weeks? Fortnights? Months? Or, Heaven forbid, years? Most likely it's days or months, tho ;)

you do no act like a couple right now

I saw this typo. You left a T off of not, unless Iris just talks like that (You no here no more, foo'!) =p

That was an unbelievably fast update! =D Wo0t! And wonderful job, too! Please update ASAP!~


Author's Response: Oops! I'll have that fixed ASAP! I'll try to do it as soon as I can, but I am still balancing two WIP's, and the other one is beginning to roll again! Thanks so much for the support!

Name: gryffindorgirl910 (Signed) · Date: 04/03/08 18:13 · For: Chapter 3
OMMGGG i love this story
it is so cute
please write moree!!!

Author's Response: thanks! I will!

Name: Heiress_of_Insanity_ (Signed) · Date: 04/03/08 13:11 · For: Chapter 3
Yay! *stuffs excitement into a paper ball and throws it into the trash bin* Updateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....

First date and he gives her a kiss on the cheek. I've known him for five years. And I get a kiss on the hand? He's known her for what? Two days?

*nudgenudgewinkwink* I think you're jealous, Rosiepoo.

"Whatever. Girls are weird."

Back at you, Alex.

I have to say, I giggled maybe thirty times reading this chapter. Except for when Rose cried, because that's not very fun. However, it did make me *smile* a little bit ;)

The way Alex gets into the girls' dorm is incredibly interesting - I wonder, would it actually work? Probably...Although I've always wondered how the staircase can tell whether the person climbing it is male or female...(oh, oh, oh, it's magic!)

I think those are the right words...Oh well.

Awesome chapter! And, I must say, your fastest update =) Please update soon!~


Author's Response: Heya!! The Alex getting in was an idea that had been festering for a looong time, and it was time it came to be ;) The next chapter is already written, all I need is my beta's ok, and it's on the road. I promise!! Thank you so much for the review!

Name: Heiress_of_Insanity_ (Signed) · Date: 01/23/08 18:10 · For: Chapter 2

The situation between Rose and Alex was certainly...uncomfortable. What did the Twins do, though? Or is it left to our imagination? *thinks*

Ah, i loved seeing nine-year-old Ron! He wanted to get on the train, just like little Lily! Too cute. Of course...Ah, yes, I won'r finish that sentence. o.0

I noticed two typos, here:

she couldn't remember it clearly, as the argument had started and ended in their Second Year.

and here:

"Hi, Rose," he said off-handedly.

I am correct in presuming Thea is talking, right? For a moment, I thought she was a man-child! And I said 'That's an odd name for a boy...'

Wonderful chapter! Just please, PLEASE, PLEASE don't take six months to update. ^.^~


Author's Response: Yup. Entirely up to your imagination :D Ah! I'll go fix those up ASAP. Thanks!! And I promise to get it up sooner. Of course, I am once again missing a BETA....AH!

Name: Heiress_of_Insanity_ (Signed) · Date: 10/02/07 16:51 · For: Prologue
*sniffle* When will you update?

Yes, I know, fabulous review.~


Author's Response: Sorry, I promise I will soon >.< I've just been having a rough time writing it. Sorry! I hope it'll be up within the next two weeks!

Name: Meryl Montgomery (Signed) · Date: 02/10/07 17:30 · For: Chapter 1
I think this story deserves more reviews than it has. It's really good, sweet, and it's flowing nicely.

I'm really interested in seeing how this continues, so please update soon. =D

Author's Response: I'll try....just as soon as I can, it will be updated...

Name: Heiress_of_Insanity_ (Signed) · Date: 02/08/07 21:35 · For: Chapter 1
Ooh, good story! I seriously couldn't find anything wrong with it! PLEASE update soon?! Please?!
Your spelling and grammar were really good! I couldn't find any mistakes whatsoever. 10/10, and this is going on my faves!~H_o_I_

Author's Response: I am glad you like it, and I will try to update soon! Thank you! :) ~Sunray

Name: helgaandgodric (Signed) · Date: 02/02/07 17:55 · For: Prologue
Interesting! I like Rose so far; she seems the shy, quiet type who is secretly quite brave. I was wondering if you could clarify for me, though: is this a next Gen fic? When there was the boy named "Parkinson" I assumed it was the son of Pansy or a relative, but is he just a relative of Pansy's?

I like it so far, I really do. But you are asking for no sugar coating, so. . .I think you need to work more on britisicms. Now, there are enough britisicims for it to pass throuh the queue, obviously. However, and I'm American, so I may be wrong, but I believe "'shut your hooter, pea-brain!'" and "he looked like a nice enough kid" are very American. I'm very sorry if I'm wrong, but I'd just like to point that out to you.

Keep the chapters coming!

Kate - Knight of the Turnip Talbe

Author's Response: This is actually a fic about the years right after Voldemort was first vanquished and right before the Trio come to Hogwarts-Charlie and Bill's time...Parkinson id Pansy's older brother / cousin...haven't decided yet... I'll be sure to work on britisicms...thanks for the tip! ~Sunray

Name: grangergurl (Signed) · Date: 06/29/06 20:01 · For: Prologue
First review!! *does happy dance* I'm also on my first story, and I think you're doing outstanding. BRAVO!!

Author's Response: Thank you SO much! good luck with your story! :)

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