Ok, firstly, I loved this story. I was seriously ready to cry when I read it - and I'm not just saying that! I especially love when Remus has just torn up his room, and all he says is "I killed Bear". It's so sweet! *sniffle*
However, I feel like sometimes you seem to make Remus a bit more grown-up than a five-year-old tends to be, while other times he's just as childish as anyone else. for example...
"I now felt a strong compulsion to rush about the room and destroy anything and everything that I could; shatter the vase standing empty next to the bed; dent the metal headboard and footboard; splinter the bedside table; smash the wall; strike the pretty young Healer creeping into the room." This just doesn't really sound like something such a young boy would say, while other times...
“I think I ate it,” I said quietly. “I think I ate lots of stuff I wasn’t supposed to. But I was just so hungry…” This is so young.
Still, I loved this story, and wish there was another chapter. *wishes*
*sniff* that was reallly sad. I loved the line "I killed Bear".... its was so sad my eyes got watery. I hope that you write more on this, and why was it rated AU?
Author's Response: i rated it AU? hmm. sorry about that, i have no idea why it's like that, i'll take it off. and thank you very much for reviewing!
lupin is my favorite character! *sniffs* anyway your welcome!
Author's Response: thankies again! :)
Well, I certainly got a bit teary while reading this. I thought this was a very good look at the experience of Remus transforming for the first time. It was awfully emotional, and I could feel myself biting my lip in anxiety as you described his cries coming from his bedroom. At some parts, I thought Remus sounded a bit too grown up. But at others, he was perfectly child-like. Thankfully, the two balanced out each other – though I would suggest that you watch out for making a younger character seem older than they really are next time.
Anyhow, why don’t I start out with some mistakes I noticed and then move on to the good stuff?
I vegan to feel new injuries now, not just the ones on my head and ankle. Nothing more than a small typo. The ‘v’ should be a ‘b’. I found a few of these little mistakes.
Bit I didn’t care to listen to the rest of the conversation. Another typo in the first word. Don’t you just hate it when your hand slips up on the keyboard? I know I do.
“I think I at lots of stuff I wasn’t supposed to…” Last typo I found. You simply forgot the ‘e’ at the end of ‘ate’. All very simple mistakes, really.
He hugged his teddy bear, named Bear and needing a new black button for his eye, tightly My last con-crit comment! Now, this was something a bit more than just a typo. I found this sentence unnaturally clumsy compared to your usual good structure throughout the chapter. It confused me and I had to re-read it a few times. I would suggest writing it as: “He hugged his teddy bear - who was named Bear and needed a new black button for his eye - tightly.
I was met with bulbous orange eyes, glowing with gleeful menace, and long, opalescent teeth. Hurrah, now I get to tell you about all the bits I liked! This section gave me horrible shivers. The entire passage here did, but I couldn’t very well paste the entire thing in here; so I picked this sentence because it had to most weight to it, for me. The atmosphere you set here is haunting, and I was actually getting kind of scared when I read it. It reminded me of some sketchy moments I’ve had with some wild animals around my home. The terror you describe is spot on.
Horribly, she thought, but out loud she said, “I don’t know honey. But it should be exciting! Being able to be a wolf for a whole night. Nobody else I know can do that!” I love this bit so much it’s almost hard to explain. It seems so real, what she says to him. It honestly represents a true mother trying to protect her son. The way she tries to make it sound exciting, as though he’s getting the chance of a lifetime. It’s not a flashy sentence or extremely descriptive – but it’s real. Nothing’s better than that.
“Mummy, it does hurt! Mummy, help me!” I think this is where I started getting watery eyed, but it could have even been when they were holding the wine glasses and she heard the first scream. I honestly felt so much pain for Remus at this part. I can’t even express the crazy little back-flips my heart was doing when his mother tried to go help him and her husband stopped her. It hurt. It really did.
“I killed Bear.” This is my absolute favorite part. Leave it to a child to go through such a painful ordeal and focus on what hurt they caused to others. You really capture the child-like innocence here, and it’s very powerful. I could hear and see Remus, sitting on the floor looking ashamed at what he had done. He killed Bear. He killed his friend. It was a brilliant way to sum up all the emotions he was feeling.
All in all, a very nice story. You have a wonderful talent at getting emotions across and making the reader feel like part of the story. If I were to offer you any suggestions for next time, it would be to be extra careful to watch for typo’s, as they can often distract the reader and take away from the story. Other than that, you did a very nice job on this. Good luck with all the rest of your projects!
Author's Response: thank u so much for the good review! i did have the typos fixed when i submitted it the first time, but when i submitted the second time, i was in kind of a hurry, so i didn't get to fix them. your review makes me happy!!!! :)
Author's Response: i also think that your idea for the sentence describing bear was very good; i will fix that as well.
Awww. That's sooooooooooo sad. Good job though! I think it is the best one you've written!
Author's Response: thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I loved this story. Lupin is a favorite character of mine and you portrayed his difficult childhood very well. It nearly made me cry.
Author's Response: thank you sooo much! i nearly cried while i was writing it. lupin is 1 of my favorite characters too. i love people who read my stories! especially those who read AND review! it makes me feel so good!