You need to write more of this!!! What do the twins do to Ron and Ginny? And Mrs. Weasley's reaction? Love it!!!!
Author's Response: Lol, thanks for the reread!
that was really funny
Author's Response: :) Thank you!
Hi Amanda! I used to read your work back when I was new to fan fiction, long before either of us were members of SPEW. But I didn’t review properly back in those days, so I figured it would be fun to come back and review something of yours properly. Et voilà!
I really like the premise of this story. Either the challenge is so old I don’t remember it or it’s one of the many I ignored in the first place, so I have no idea whatsoever what you were writing for, but I like the result! We don’t often see stories about the Weasley children before they left for Hogwarts, so the whole concept seems fresh even to someone as jaded as me. Plus you execute it beautifully!
You know me well enough by now to know that I’m a nutty nitpicker, so I won’t apologize for it. You have a tense problem in the first sentence. She had lost brothers to Hogwarts before, but never did the Burrow seem so empty this April first without Fred and George. To keep us from being jolted forward in time in the middle of the sentence, I think you should change “did the Burrow seem” to “had the Burrow seemed.” In addition, you’re missing an “as” between “empty” and “this April.” There are other ways to do it, but I think the sentence should read: She had lost brothers to Hogwarts before, but never had the Burrow seemed so empty as this April first without Fred and George.
A couple of more minor things: She couldn’t image being so homesick while still at home. I believe that “image” should be “imagine.” ;-)
If nothing else, she knew from years of experience living with the twins that anything was possible… This is more of a stylistic difference than anything else, but I don’t think the ellipses add anything. If you want to add emphasis, putting “anything” in italics might be better than the ellipses. Not that they’re wrong –– technically they’re perfectly correct ¬¬–– but they make the paragraph feel incomplete to me. /nitpicking
Really, this is a great one-shot. You have a gift for writing very natural-sounding dialogue. I find it very difficult to pull of natural dialogue, so I really appreciate it when I see someone write it especially well. You’ve also done a great job characterizing young Ron and Ginny. They’re still themselves, but definitely younger than we see them in the books. It takes skill to maintain characterization while portraying characters at a younger age, but you’ve done an excellent job of it here.
I could go on about all the other things you did well ¬¬–– there were a lot of them –– but those were the things that stuck out at me most and I’m attempting to keep my reviews from getting out of control, so I’ll wrap it up here. You’re writing is and always has been a pleasure to read, and I look forward to reviewing more of your work in the future!
Author's Response: *hugs Lian tightly* You are just lovely dear! Thank you for pointing those out to me. I had always tripped over the first sentence too, I rather like your suggestion. And if I ever get over my laziness, will fix that properly :) I actually find that I rather enjoy writing the Weasley children as, well, children. We don't know a lot about their upbringing. I'm so honored that you think my dialouge and characterization are good! *hugs again*
nice one! 9/10
Author's Response: Thanks
Hilarious, i cant wait for more!
Author's Response: Actually, that's it. It was a one-shot, but I'm glad you liked it. Thanks!
Author's Response: Thanks
Haha! This one made me laugh because I could see the twins just randomly eating the brownies as if nothing else mattered :) I haven't seen many fics about just a few years before Hogwarts. I also LOVED the prank idea with the Exploding Snap cards!!
Author's Response: Ha ha ha, it seemed like Fred and George might be the reason why there aren't cushons in the Great Hall. I'm glad you liked the story! Thank you!
GREAT JOB! I loved this story soooooooo
much! I don't have any suggestions exept to keep up the good work! I give this story an A+++!
Author's Response: Thank you so much!!!
That was great!! Dungbomb frosting - brilliant!! I hope there's a sequel coming. Wonderful job!
Author's Response: Thanks Jenn!!! If there is a sequel coming, it may take a while, but I'm definately putting it into consideration! Thank you for the review!
lol the joke is finally on the twins! that change is very refreshing.
Author's Response: Thank you! That was the intent! I'm glad someone mentioned it! :)
Funny, funny, funny!
Author's Response: :) Thank you!
that was AWESOME! i think you should write about the 'war' that Fred mentioned, that would be funny!
Author's Response: I can't believe I'm getting such a response about this war. It will definately be something worth considering! Thank you!
dis is funny i really like dis bit :
Immediately, they both spat their mouthful onto the rug. They ran for the bathroom to wash out their mouths, pushing everyone aside who got in their way. The crowd burst into laughter at the expressions on their faces and their sudden departure.
“What was that!?” Fred exclaimed, once he’d rinsed his mouth a dozen times.
“I think,” George said, with a mix of amusement and disgust, “the brownies had Dungbomb icing!”
Fred stared at his twin for a moment. Suddenly he burst into peals of laughter. “I guess they were fooling!”
“We have taught them well!” George agreed.
“But, of course, this does mean war!”
9 & a 1/2 /10
Author's Response: Only 9 1/2 out of 10? I'm so sorry I disappointed you :) Just kidding. Thank you for the review.
please do continue it!!
Author's Response: :) Thank you so much! I'll see what I can come up with!
*giggles* Yay for Fred and George! Yay! And Ron and Ginny! Yay! And Dungbombs! Yay! and Yay for Amanda! Yay! And Yay for Yay! Yay! And Yay for reviews! YAY! YAY! YAY!
Author's Response: Yay for Genny and her enthusiasm for reviewing! Thanks love! And for some of the great ideas for this!
This is so funny! You should write a second chapter...(I need to know what Fred and George do to Ron and Ginny!)
Author's Response: Hmmmm... a sequel huh? That may happen someday. Don't hold your breath, but I'll feed the plot bunnies and see what they can come up with! Thank you!
Very cute...I quite enjoyed it
Author's Response: Thank you!