Aww this is full of unfullfilled hopes and dreams, with a hint of something more. You could write another chapter, but I think it works the way it is, letting the reader think of what might (or might not) happen.
It's refreshing to see a slash fic without a lot of internal angst by the main character because they don't want to be gay or something. It's nice to see such a sweet pairing.
I love the way you write Susan's feelings. I think it seems like a very realistic way for her to feel in this situation.
She taught me to laugh. She taught me to love. She taught me to see colors and she taught me to smile.
I loved this line. It was probably my favourite.
I love the story about the necklace. The way you write the two girls seems like a natural friendship.
I really feel bad that Susan always has to hide her feelings.
"Hannah - " I blurt out. I blush even harder. "Never mind." I can't believe I almost told her.
I wonder what happens in the end. Does she ever tell Hannah? I kind of doubt it, which really is very sad. But this was beautifully written all the same.
It's always so painful to love someone in silence and even more when you know they probably don't feel the same. I can't imagine how desperate Susan must be feeling, especially when Hannah and her are so close. It often is like that isn't it? Wanting something that is so close to you so badly and you can't have it. Life is unfair!
We don't really know these two characters from the books and it's nice to see them in an unusual situation like this one. My only complain is that it is indeed too short. I feel like there's so much more that you could've exploited, gone deeper into Susan's feelings. I would've liked to see more of them together, to witness their chemistry a bit more. Has Susan ever tried to let her feelings show to Hannah? How did Hannah react to it? That kind of stuff. It kind of feels like there's something missing to your story. But it stays a good one anyway TF!
Oh...this is cute. A very sweet (if bittersweet) little one-shot. Good work!
Hello TF my dear!
This is a very sweet little story you have here. The dialouge is well written, and I enjoy the first person narration.
I'm going to just comment as I go through the story here.
My parents keep trying to introduce me to nice young men ever since they found out I was a lesbian.
This section doesn't really flow with the rest of the story. By the characterization you've given Susan- her doubt and secret-keeping, I don't think she would have told her parents she's a lesbian. I could see where her parents might realize that she's not interested in boys, and constantly trying to set her up (I'm kind of thinking of Juliet's mother in Bend it like Beckham here). I could see them being frustrated that she's not dating anyone... Really, I think you ought to just cut the "ever since they found out I was a lesbian" section, and I think the paragraph and emotions will flow much better.
I'm also concerned about Susan's analysis that her parents are boring. Well, no, I mean, I don't think she would have realized how boring her parents were, or how mundane her life was until she met Hannah. I like that Susan says Hannah taught her how to laugh and love, I think that's why there should be a sharper contrast. The cliched image that comes to mind is that she "was in a fog". But do you know what I mean? She doesn't relize how unhappy she is with her life until she meets Hannah, and Hannah turns the "world upside down." I'm not really recommending that you add cliched ideas, but that you convey the turn-around more clearly.
I feel naked around her, like everybody can see all my secrets, and all I can do is frantically try to cover them.
I absolutely love this line, I think it's the heart of the story. It's one of those images that everyone can relate to. It exactly portrays what Susan is feeling like, and we can sympathize.
The Christmas scene was nice. It almost hints that Hannah feels the same way about Susan, in an unsatisfactory fashion. Especially since Hannah gave her the charm 2 years ago. Not knowing what year this is supposed to take place in, it's hard to pin-point if it was a gift given out of adolescent affection, or possibly love. Perhaps if the charm was given just the past Christmas, it would add more to the prospect that Hannah may share Susan's feelings.
Overall I liked the story. Your story telling is clear and concise- lending the reader to want more. nicely done!
Powerful. Gorgeous. Amazing.
Thatwas great! I loved loads of bits in particular but his was the best:
She's my best friend, my soul mate, and my secret love. She's the reason I've been able to be happy all these years at Hogwarts. She's an angel without wings, sent down from Heaven to make me realize how boring my life was, and to help me find myself. I don't know how I survived before I met her.
And I liked how you said that her parents didn't agreee with it, because loads of fics just say "sure, hun, whatever!", and it's not like that in real life. I know this is one-shot, but could you write more Hannah/Susan? You wrote it so well, it all fat (like fit, but yeah) together. I'm having problems with maybe being lesbian myself, so this made it sound not so bad. :)
Well, I must admit that this is a pairing that I never would have thought of. However, itís an intriguing idea, and you handled it very well. I love what you did with Susanís character. She was so real and well developed. It was almost like I knew her and she was one of my friends. You certainly have a gift for making unexpected pairings work.
She's an angel without wings, sent down from Heaven to make me realize how boring my life was, and to help me find myself. I don't know how I survived before I met her.
The first sentence of this passage is wonderful. It really shows the intensity of Susanís feelings and makes her seem somewhat poetic in her thoughts. However, Iím not a fan of the second sentence. The whole, ďI canít live without themÖĒ bit has been used very many times. Itís really been over done in fiction and RL. I think it takes away from the power of the first sentence. However, thatís just my opinion and just something for you to think about.
Sitting there with Hannah, holding that butterfly, was the day I started living.
I liked this line. Again, it shows the intensity of Susanís feelings and shows how she is seeing life in a different way because of Hannah. In a way, this is similar to your like about how she lived without Hannah; however, itís handled much better here. Using different words and not directly stating that sentiment give the same impression, but seem so much less clichť.
I'm in love with my best friend, and she has no idea.
This line really stuck out to me. It sounds so ordinary. The type of thing any teenager in love with their best friend would think. I like that because it makes Susanís feelings for Hannah seem more natural. Often in fan fiction, same sex pairings are handled differently than opposite sex pairings and it makes these relationships feel wrong to the reader. However, you have made this feel like a perfectly normal crush for a teenage girl. Good for you. You write same sex pairings very well.
I would also like to say that you write romance very well. I completely sympathize with Susan. It was easy to relate to her feelings. Anyone who has ever had feelings for someone that werenít returned could relate to her. Having a character that your reader can relate to is a mark of a great writer. This piece was very well done. You should be very proud of it.
this is great!
Author's Response: Thanks!
Brill. Are you going to keep writing this fic?
Author's Response: No, I'm not. Sorry. :) It's just a one-shot. But I am thinking about writing another Hannah/Susan for the Winter Challenge. Thanks for reviewing, though. Glad you liked it. :)
aw! This is such a cute fic, :-) and a sad one... but still it was awesome! :-D
Author's Response: Thanks! :) I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for reviewing!
Oh, that was lovely. So forlorn and hopeful at the same time! I really felt for poor Susan.
Your writing was marvelous--the emotions were brought across the page VERY well. Well done!
P.S. No grammar mistakes! :) Always a pleasure to read edited fics! Hee!
Author's Response: No grammar mistakes? I think that's one of the best things you could have told me. ;) Thanks for your review, I'm really glad you liked it.
Yay this is so cool, i love it :) absolutely awsome :)
Author's Response: *giggles* Thank you! It makes me happy to know that people like what I write. :D
Simply beautiful! The pairing is pretty interesting ...
This fic seems so ... realistic. I like your portrayal of Susan's hesitation and the family's denial of her relationship. The fact that Hannah knows nothing about Susan's infatuation makes it still more moving for the reader.
As for the charm ... that was excellent! The title, of course, was very apt.
I do have a question, which can be considered partial concrit:
Upon re-reading the story, I felt that Hannah actually knows about Susan's love for her. But the story seems to indicate otherwise. Can you make this more clear?
I was just being a little nitpicky, feel free to do the same with my stories!
Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm glad you find it realistic. The charm wasn't actually in the original version, back when I had it as the prologue for a chaptered fic, but when I turned it into a one-shot, I had the idea to put in the necklace. I'm really glad I did. :) As for Hannah knowing about Susan's love for her, I re-read the story myself and I can't find what you saw. Could you tell me anything specific I might look at that could indicate Hannah knew? Thanks for the review! :)
Yeah, I'd be interested in a Ginny/Luna too. *wonders if she's going insane* I think you might have changed my mind about slash, or at least femmeslash...
Author's Response: *squee* Yay, I changed someone's mind about femmeslash! Thanks for reviewing. ;) Glad you liked it (see my answer to the review below for the Ginny/Luna stuff).
i loved it do you think you could write a Ginny/Luna or Ginny/Tonks?
-back to the point-i loved how deeply it was written i can feel what she's feeling (it's kinda creepy XD)
Author's Response: I'm happy to know you liked it that much, but really I try to stay away from main canon characters in my pairings. I could probably write something with a hint of Ginny/Luna, but I don't think I could manage a full-fledged Ginny/Luna story. I'm glad you liked it, though, and thanks for reviewing! :)
Wow! I actually have to agree with the review below mine... I don't ever read slash. I don't have a problem with it, but it just isn't for me. So when I read what this was about I was a little uneasy, but I am really glad that I gave it a chance. It was realistic, and it's so innocent that I really can't help but like it. I definitely took a chance here and read a fic that I'd normally avoid, and I'm really impressed. This fic is sort of the epitome of "short and sweet". Awesome job!
Author's Response: :D Thank you! I'm really glad you liked it! Thanks for reviewing. :)
Um... Wow? I don't think that quite covers it, lemme think. Nope, 'wow's as cloes as I can get. That was amazing!
Let me start off by saying that I never read slash. It creeps me out. Really. But this story was so captivatinly written, that I just had to love it.
Just like Jenna said: this story was real. So, so... real. Like how you included that Susan's parents weren't okay with her being a lesbian, becaues in a lot of slash fics, everyone is just fine with it, and that sort of upsets me, because sad as it is, life isn't like that. Susan being shy around Hannah, and trying to hide her true self just highlights how real it is.
Another thing that I love about this is the flow. Just like in 'Wrong', you manage to keep a steady, even pace throughout the whole fic. It's so beautifully written that the reader really feels for Susan, and appreciates her situation of wanting to tell Hannah, and not at the same time.
Overall, I thought that this was marvelous. Amazing job!
Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much! I'm glad I was able to write a slash story that even people who don't like slash can like. Thanks for reviewing! :)
A wonderful one-shot... Such simplicity in the words and a slightly unsatisfying ending... It's a bit... well, bittersweet! I love the way Hannah suddenly gets more developed then in the books, at first I didn't even realize what it was that made this story so different. I like the unlikeliness of it... The impossibility... It's a total 10/10!
Author's Response: Ah, thank you so much! I love reviews like this. I'm glad you like it! :) *hangs the new ten on the wall next to the others*
Ooooh....weird! Theres not even a like, proper ending!
Author's Response: I'm not exactly sure why you left this review, but thanks for reviewing all the same. Yes, I know it's not a "traditional" ending, but I don't really care. I write the way I want to, and I don't care if it's not proper. So, thanks for the review, and I hope you liked it anyway.