Reviewer: upandATOM
Date: 07/15/06 23:43
Chapter: Chapter Three: Odin Alley

i really like the story, it has a very original storyline and definetly weird names!!!!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! The names are a big strange, but more normal ones come along later. =D Thanks for the reivew! Eponine

Reviewer: alyssa_cha
Date: 07/14/06 8:54
Chapter: Chapter Three: Odin Alley

ooh. haha. vry nice : )

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! 'Ponine

Reviewer: anAnachronism
Date: 07/10/06 13:20
Chapter: Chapter Three: Odin Alley

Oh, this is spectacular! I'm enjoying this a lot. Please do update soon, this is one of the more original stories I've come across here. I really do like the idea of "camps" and the "resistance". Ally seems pretty vain and petty, I hope Lottie finds other friends.

Author's Response: I'm hoping to get another chapter up soon! Thank you so much! And don't worry, Lottie's got lots of kids to make friends with soon enough. Thanks so much for the review! Eponine

Reviewer: FanFicFanatic12
Date: 07/10/06 11:29
Chapter: Prologue

Excellant start! I like the mix between old and new characters. Although it is in the future, some of the recognizable characters are still there. :-)

Author's Response: Thanks! You'll recognize a few more faces as the story goes on also. =D

Thanks for the review

'Ponine

Reviewer: Fly to Dawn
Date: 07/10/06 5:26
Chapter: Prologue

Oh my. It's the best story I've read in a few months!
The setting you chose for your story is wonderful, I love how there's a camp for the Muggles, where they have to live cramped up. (I thought it there was rather a lot of freedom for a camp, but maybe that's just me stereotyped with WW2. And I assume it's because some of the wizarding folk are still strong enough to fight the Dark Lord?)
I think the names you chose for the Wizards are great - my favourite was Naesa Palmyitor.
Lottie is an absolutely amazing character. We've only seen a few chapters worth of her, but I like her a lot. The Muggle's interpretation of magic was very interesting too.
I'm really looking forward to the next chapter - and this story is certainly going on my favourite's list.

PS I love the title!


Author's Response: Oooh thank you sooo much!

I actually did get the idea from WWII. Do you mean my version of the Camp has more freedom, or historically, they had more freedom?

I'm glad you like Naesa's name! It's actually my favorite as well. Hee. I'm relieved that you like Lottie also, because you're going to be seeing a lot of her through the story!

Thanks a million!

'Ponine

Reviewer: Thebird
Date: 06/19/06 22:59
Chapter: Chapter Two: The Invitation

Your writing is SOOO GOOD. I'm so proud to help you with this story, because it rocks. Doesn't it feel like JKR a little? I think so. I mean, the character development is amazing. Lottie feels as real to me as Harry Potter. And that's saying something.

Really really good job. Keep up the good work, I reccomend this story to anyone who can read.

Author's Response: Aww thankies so much! I feel so lurved! I'm really glad you like my story. ^_^ Thanks a mil for reviewing!

'Ponine

PS. For the lovely review, I give you tight Enjy pants.

Reviewer: Thebird
Date: 06/10/06 18:38
Chapter: Chapter One: The Camp

You got me from the first sentence. The writing is superb and imbeccable, the attention to detail outstanding. Every character is clear cut, and every situation precise. The style of your work is easy to read and get lost in-very easy to get into.

The general idea of your story is really interesting and NEW. I love reading new things, not the same thing over and over again about Harry Potter's long lost sister or ZOMG JAMES DIDN'T DIE AND LIEK LILY IS LIEK IN A COMA!!!!!!!! It's so cool having muggles see Death Eaters with their wands and not understand what they are. This relates a lot to real life, how things can be right in front of your eyes and its impossible to figure out how it works. The perception of magic in general and how it works is shown so well in this chapter.
I am very excited to see where this goes--I have a feeling this is going to be extremely worth the wait. Keep submitting!

Author's Response: Oooh thank you for the review! ^^ I agree about clichés. They get irritating. I'm glad you don't think my story is one. =D

Thanks again!

~Ponine

Reviewer: mock_turtle
Date: 06/08/06 18:52
Chapter: Chapter One: The Camp

Sounds ecxiting--not too sure about plot; I think it is too early to tell. write more!!!

Author's Response: Thanks! ^_^ I'm working on chapter two right now. I'll post it when it gets back from the betas. Thanks for the review!

~Ponine

PS. Love the username. =D

Reviewer: Insecurity
Date: 06/04/06 12:53
Chapter: Prologue


Bridget nudged me to your story. She’s such a good nudger! Setting the story 50 years in the future is an ambitious thing to do, especially seeing as Harry is dead. Some fanfic readers need major characters such as Harry to be in a story, whereas others, such as myself, don’t. I always like to see an author taking bold steps to use the Potterverse to create an original story that explores a far-out possibility. This story is unique and because you are using mostly OC’s there won’t be a story similar to it on MNff. The summery is intriguing – I like the idea of Voldemort controlling both the Wizarding and Muggle world, seeing as that is his aim and logically a possibility. We all know JKR isn’t likely to allow that to happen, but exploring the ‘what if’ is a lot of fun and creates some very intriguing stories. One thing I would advice, though, is to keep the plot relatively simple. Because you’ve changed the settings and characters quite a lot, develop the plot steadily so that your readers can adjust to it. The stories that are set around well-known HP events, such as the Final Battle, do not need too much explanation or backstory, but for this story it would be useful to include information about how Voldemort rose to power, the nature and general attitudes of the Wizarding world as a whole, and then where your OCs stand in all of this.

Although it’s only a prologue long so far, I can see a storyline developing from it. There are several routes that the story could take from how you’ve left it and you’ve wasted no time in bringing the characters into action. I like how you’re focusing on this small group of people (are they werewolves? I am a little unsure, because you mention Greyback as if he was a part of their group – their leader - and so this would logically make them werewolves. Perhaps make it a tad clearer.) I like your focus on their natural instincts to keep together throughout the trouble and revolt if need be. It reminds me of the revolutions I’m studying in history, which in turn makes me think of Les Mis (and now I’m getting sidetracked!) The comradeship between the three friends is very clear even from this short prologue, but you’ve conveyed how Melinda’s death has put a strain on that very well. Fornax is slightly different to the other two in so far as he needs to mourn her loss, and I like how he wants to do that whilst the other two want to plough forward with the plans.

The small red speck bothered him. It could just as easily be a drop of ink, but if it was, why didn’t Melinda include a post-script explaining it? Trying to push the frighteningly possibility out of his mind, he stepped through the doorway and pulled out his wand.
I loved the connotations of the ‘red speck’ and how Fornax is either too naïve to realise it is blood or in denial about it. The association to violence and brutality it creates helps to establish the dark atmosphere of this story. It’s this type of attention to detail that I look for in a fic because it helps the story stick out in my mind from others. One nitpick, though, is why would she leave a post-script explaining a blob of ink? It doesn’t seem a very realistic thing to do, especially considering how the letter is very straight-to-the-point and practical in nature.

The woman called Naesa bounced up and down on the balls of her heels. “Yes,” she said, pulling her light brown hair out of its high ponytail, and putting it back again. “It’s about Melinda.” She twisted one of the large, gold rings around her finger.
I think you did a brilliant job at characterisation of all three characters – but Naesa shone out stronger than the other two. This little extract really helped to paint a picture of her in my mind because you not only give us a physical description but also include her mannerisms as well. She appears on edge through how she is fiddling with her rings, but also the leader of the group who has the courage to tell Fornax about Melinda.

Naesa sighed and knelt next to her friend. “We all miss her, Fornax,” she whispered to him. “But we’re always going to be one member short, if you think about it that way. It’s what she would have wanted.”
I think Naesa is being rather manipulative here. Saying ‘it’s what she would have wanted’ is a common phrase that works quite effectively – it inspires people to keep on fighting and even sparks revenge. By the looks of things, they need to act very quickly, and so Naesa needs Fortax to pick himself up, dust himself off and get back to it.

“Greyback.” Naesa couldn’t make eye contact. Although she couldn’t name it, she knew, as did Ryan, that something had been going on between Fornax and Melinda.
I love your sharp, quick dialogues. By having your characters only speak the bare necessities to one another it helps to create the tension and atmosphere of the piece. The simple name ‘Greyback’ is enough to tell your readers that Melinda is dead, as they know just how much of a merciless killer he is. It’s a very effective way of keeping the pace of your story by not letting it get bogged down in too much dialogue.

Overall, this is a very promising story and I am glad that Bridget nudged me to it. I will add it to my favourites and keep a track of where it is heading.

Author's Response: Hee hee. This review was so special that it showed up twice! *wink* =D

Reviewer: Insecurity
Date: 06/04/06 12:53
Chapter: Prologue


Bridget nudged me to your story. She’s such a good nudger! Setting the story 50 years in the future is an ambitious thing to do, especially seeing as Harry is dead. Some fanfic readers need major characters such as Harry to be in a story, whereas others, such as myself, don’t. I always like to see an author taking bold steps to use the Potterverse to create an original story that explores a far-out possibility. This story is unique and because you are using mostly OC’s there won’t be a story similar to it on MNff. The summery is intriguing – I like the idea of Voldemort controlling both the Wizarding and Muggle world, seeing as that is his aim and logically a possibility. We all know JKR isn’t likely to allow that to happen, but exploring the ‘what if’ is a lot of fun and creates some very intriguing stories. One thing I would advice, though, is to keep the plot relatively simple. Because you’ve changed the settings and characters quite a lot, develop the plot steadily so that your readers can adjust to it. The stories that are set around well-known HP events, such as the Final Battle, do not need too much explanation or backstory, but for this story it would be useful to include information about how Voldemort rose to power, the nature and general attitudes of the Wizarding world as a whole, and then where your OCs stand in all of this.

Although it’s only a prologue long so far, I can see a storyline developing from it. There are several routes that the story could take from how you’ve left it and you’ve wasted no time in bringing the characters into action. I like how you’re focusing on this small group of people (are they werewolves? I am a little unsure, because you mention Greyback as if he was a part of their group – their leader - and so this would logically make them werewolves. Perhaps make it a tad clearer.) I like your focus on their natural instincts to keep together throughout the trouble and revolt if need be. It reminds me of the revolutions I’m studying in history, which in turn makes me think of Les Mis (and now I’m getting sidetracked!) The comradeship between the three friends is very clear even from this short prologue, but you’ve conveyed how Melinda’s death has put a strain on that very well. Fornax is slightly different to the other two in so far as he needs to mourn her loss, and I like how he wants to do that whilst the other two want to plough forward with the plans.

The small red speck bothered him. It could just as easily be a drop of ink, but if it was, why didn’t Melinda include a post-script explaining it? Trying to push the frighteningly possibility out of his mind, he stepped through the doorway and pulled out his wand.
I loved the connotations of the ‘red speck’ and how Fornax is either too naïve to realise it is blood or in denial about it. The association to violence and brutality it creates helps to establish the dark atmosphere of this story. It’s this type of attention to detail that I look for in a fic because it helps the story stick out in my mind from others. One nitpick, though, is why would she leave a post-script explaining a blob of ink? It doesn’t seem a very realistic thing to do, especially considering how the letter is very straight-to-the-point and practical in nature.

The woman called Naesa bounced up and down on the balls of her heels. “Yes,” she said, pulling her light brown hair out of its high ponytail, and putting it back again. “It’s about Melinda.” She twisted one of the large, gold rings around her finger.
I think you did a brilliant job at characterisation of all three characters – but Naesa shone out stronger than the other two. This little extract really helped to paint a picture of her in my mind because you not only give us a physical description but also include her mannerisms as well. She appears on edge through how she is fiddling with her rings, but also the leader of the group who has the courage to tell Fornax about Melinda.

Naesa sighed and knelt next to her friend. “We all miss her, Fornax,” she whispered to him. “But we’re always going to be one member short, if you think about it that way. It’s what she would have wanted.”
I think Naesa is being rather manipulative here. Saying ‘it’s what she would have wanted’ is a common phrase that works quite effectively – it inspires people to keep on fighting and even sparks revenge. By the looks of things, they need to act very quickly, and so Naesa needs Fortax to pick himself up, dust himself off and get back to it.

“Greyback.” Naesa couldn’t make eye contact. Although she couldn’t name it, she knew, as did Ryan, that something had been going on between Fornax and Melinda.
I love your sharp, quick dialogues. By having your characters only speak the bare necessities to one another it helps to create the tension and atmosphere of the piece. The simple name ‘Greyback’ is enough to tell your readers that Melinda is dead, as they know just how much of a merciless killer he is. It’s a very effective way of keeping the pace of your story by not letting it get bogged down in too much dialogue.

Overall, this is a very promising story and I am glad that Bridget nudged me to it. I will add it to my favourites and keep a track of where it is heading.

Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much for this awesome review. It made my (already awesome) day!

Thanks for the suggestion about plot. I've been having trouble keeping my plot lines in ... well line. Simplifying it would probably make everybody's life easier. Hee.

Nope. They're not werewolves. I can see where that would've come from though. It's a bit vague. Werewolves will come in the story eventually though. ^^ And I'm really happy that it reminds you of Les Mis, 'cause you know what I think about Les Mis! (Ps. Happy Eponine Day!)

Hm that's a good point about the post-script. She probably wouldn't even if it was just a blob of ink. I'm glad you thought that bit said a lot about Naesa, since that was what I was trying to do. Heh. Yeah... Naesa is a bit [actually very] manipulative.

I am sooooo happy you reviewed. Yay! I'll be sure to keep all of this in mind as I continue! Thanks again!

'Ponine

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