Well, I have to say, I haven't read a story quite like this one before. It certainly was original and different. Out of curiosity, what inspired you to write this?
Now, I have a few good things, and a few suggestions. We'll start with the bad. There were parts where it didn't really make sense, such as when she woke up that morning, I couldn't tell if you were talking about her or her sister. Oh, and lastly, about Fred and George, I think that they were bit OOC in this case. I would work on them, or ask other people's opinions.
Now, for good, I liked how they didn't tell her what the invention stood for. Great job on it!
Author's Response: Thanks! I wrote it for a challenge, in the forums. I thought it was interesting, so I decided to do something with it. I´ll try to make it more clear in future stories. I will also try to do better with my characters. Thanks for reading! ~HermyRox12
Very good - very funny. Loved it - seems kindof elementary, but good. Brava!
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! ~HermyRox12
Very good *Claps*
Author's Response: Oooh! Applause!
Sorry, but that just wasn't funny. Stories generally have either plots, points, or something interesting or at least something that holds your attention. I read it expecting to laugh, and nothing happened. That said, I liked the idea of Fred and George having a spell to grab each other's attention. That's clever, and would be very useful for them!
I'm going to read your other story, but I'm a little dubious. I'm hoping it will be a better read. This one was pretty disappointing. 2/10
Author's Response: II'm sorry you didn't like this story much. I'll try to improve with my future fics. ~HermyRox12
Author's Response: I'll take that as a compliment. Thanks for dropping by and reading my story!
That is a very odd story...It was okay, but not as funny as I expected it to be.
Author's Response: . . .
That is a very odd story...It was okay, but not as funny as I expected it to be.
Author's Response: I'm sorry it wasn't as funny as you hoped. I'm glad you took the time to review it, though!
I liked your stories a lot (accept the thing with George in the Maze was hard to follow) The only real problem with the maze story was the riddles. No offense, but they were really bad. One last thing, why do you keep using Rose Zeller? She's a really minor character. Please answer my question about Rose.
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked the stories! Sorry about the riddles. I actually wrote this for a challenge, so the riddles were already given to me. the reason I like to use Rose is that she is a real character, but we don't know much about her, so I can use her as I please. Nobody can say that she is OoC, because whe don't know what she is like IC. Maybe I'll write a story that explores her personality more, but I don't know yet. I hope this answers your question! ~HermyRox12
Author's Response: Thanks?
That was really funny :) I enjoyed it, keep it up! :)
Author's Response: Hmmm...
That was realy funny :) I liked it :) Kepe it up!!
Author's Response: I'm so happy that you thought this story was funny and you liked it. Thanks for the review!
ooohh... so what's rose gonna do now?
Author's Response: The world may never know...
I liked this story. Very funny, cute. I read your other story too. And who could help but notice the character Rose Zeller in both? So I assumed that you were making a character of yourself. Out of my weird curiousity I checked your statistics to see if Rose was your name, but you didn't have your name. So I have to know, is that character supposed to be you?
Author's Response: No, I'm not Rose Zeller. Rose Zeller happens to be a Charachter mentioned in the Harry Potter Books. She was Sorted in Harry's fifth year, I think. I like to use her, because she is canon, and I can make her anything I want. I'm glad you liked this story and thought it was cute.
haha very good! i love fred and george and you've captured their characters very well. Although this story flows well, there are a few changes you could make to possibly make it amazing. For example, on this sentence "Arilina wanted to know more about the product, and she knew just who to give it to." you could try using a because instead of an and, and it could possibly make it easier to understand. The last sentences could also be made more clear too. "When they got back to their house, Arilina apologized to her sister for attempting to pull the prank. Rose had a plan in mind that she had been waiting to use." This could just flow a little better, but other than a few minor things i really liked this story. Keep it up.
Author's Response: I look into those changes. Thanks! I'm glad you liked this story, and you thought Fred and George were good.
Sorry I'm late :) - (story of my life)
You've effectively used the picture gag and reverse gag in this story. However I feel there's a slight problem in your using to much narrative. You're telling the story instead of showing it.
e.g. The next morning she woke up covered in goo that had the same strange green glow the ball had. She tried to wash it off, but it only got worse. Defeated, she went to her mother to ask for help. Her mother was astonished at the story Arilina told.
Describe the scene as Arilina woke up, the sticky feeling of the goo, the process of her trying to wash it off, tell how she just noticed the colour of the goo in the process. How she wailed to her mum for help... How you understand my point here.
Another advise I'd like to give is on writing of the Twins. Twin-talk is part of their characterization ... What I mean is something like this:
“We understand that money is hard to get for someone such as yourself -"
"So unfair how you can't buy things on your own."
Basically I would advise that you not make one twin monopolise the dialogue. Fred and George tend to share with one another everything - even dialogue time. *lol*
Arilina is quite convincing as a 7-year-old. If I were that age and have an older sister - I'd definitely pull a uncreative childish prank at her - 7-year-olds do not tend to pull elaborate ones afterall. Good family dynamic in your OC's as well - You just need to elaborate a bit more and describe their actions and thoughts more often.
Hope I was of some help and good luck on your next humour venture. If you need a beta to look into the Fred and George characterization. You know how to reach me. :)
Author's Response: Thanks! I'll look into those describing areas. I'll get to editing it eventually. I'm on someone else's computer right now so...Next time when I write a Fred/George fic, you will hear from me. Thanks for the great advise!
Heh. This is pretty funny - it's something I could easily see the twins doing. Those little troublemakers!
I don't normally like reading OC fics because they are generally MarySue's or self-inserts or otherwise inappropriate, but you have a real flair for this that you should nurture.
I like how you wrote the twins, too. THey were very true to canon. I especially like the twin-invented spell - I can so see them doing that, because they are always finishing each other's sentences and such. And they're certainly innovative enough!
Author's Response: Yes, you never know what Fred and George will be getting into next. Actually, I have a fic in queue about Fred getting into some trouble... Anyway, I'm glad you think my OC was good. I was sort of worringing about that. I think that the more you read OCs, though, the more you know what and what not to do. The twins are always fun to write. Thanks for the awesomess review!
It's a great idea. I can just imagine Fred and George giving away their items to innocent testers. Although I agree with Lovegoods propositions, especially in the middle the story lacks some description. But the idea behind this is great, just try to transform it better.
Author's Response: Okay, thanks for the ideas. It's great what challenges can do to your plot bunnies, isn't it? Thanks for the review! HermyRox12
Very interesting. Imaginative. It was great but you need more description I would say and a good storyline.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'll try to add more description in some parts. Thanks for the compliment! HermyRox12