Great beginning, but I think it kinda downgrades from there. Things happen faster, and there's too much hinting instead of letting us know. Either way, it's pretty good writing :)
Soo awesome, although you should write longer chapters and don't make them all cliffies. Otherwise I have quite enjoyed your first 3 chappies
Oh wow! I do hope you write more!!!
Author's Response: Oh, thank you! I do want to.
Three notes 'dun, dun, dunnnnnn'
(good first chapter!)
Author's Response: Thanks.
Yay, an update! I'm sorry my review won't be as long as the one you left me; I'm not as good at writing them. So here's what I came up with.
Then, coughing slightly, he clarified. “Why did you do this?”
Mm. Excellent question with an excellent answer, if answer Ginny's thoughts can be called. We don't always know why we do what we do.
The argument (there's no better word for it) between the two is well done. I get a sense of Ginny's frustration and Malfoy's old ways of hitting back, even though he's in no position to be ungrateful.
The atmosphere of the Burrow is interesting. Of course we know when this occurs, but what happens before Harry arrives there is up in the air. You've got Ginny's dislike of "Phlegm" down, and Molly's nurturing habits.
I have to admit that the ending caught me off-guard; I thought it'd be a bit longer, though why, I don't know. It's a great alternate view into a world we know so well.
Great job. Looking for the next part!
Author's Response: Thank you, Katie! And don't be silly; you're an excellent review-writer. Quality, not quantity. I'll take another look at the ending, and thank you for your characterisation comments!
Please Finish! It's a wondeful and suspensful story so far!
Author's Response: Thank you! I'm working on the next chapters. I'm glad you're enjoying it!
Interesting, and not at all what I expected (though I don’t know what it is that I was expecting.) Once again, the writing was very good, both in terms of syntax and diction. You have a lovely, unobtrusive style of third person narration – when I’m reading, I’m not thinking about your writing style, I’m thinking about what you’re writing about, which is as it should be.
I found the beginning to be a bit abrupt. While Ginny’s belief that Draco is her responsibility because she stunned him is perfectly understandable, I didn’t understand her sudden conviction that she had to take him home and hide him from her parents. Why doesn’t she want to turn him in to the Order, if he might be able to provide them with something they need? It’s not implausible – there are multiple reasons why she could do it, ranging from pity to her need to break out of the mold her family has made for her, but I’d love to see you explain her thought processes a bit. You go into a bit more detail later on, but especially in my first read through, I was left wondering why she was acting the way she did
“She heard her mum’s cracking patience reverberating from the kitchen.” Maybe it’s just me, but I was confused by this sentence – I kept trying to read ‘patience’ as a concrete noun. Do you mean that Mrs. Weasley’s patience is cracking and she is yelling?
“She didn’t know this boy, but she knew his manner–he was always pretending, always pretending to be so unafraid.” This was an intriguing sentence, and does more than anything else to explain her actions at the beginning of the chapter. She’s fascinated by the difference between the persona he’s always presented and the way in which she has just found him. Perhaps she sees something of herself in him – always pretending, caught in a mold into which she doesn’t quite fit. You might consider introducing this theme a bit earlier, and allowing the reader to understand why she takes him in – unless, of course, you’re purposefully allowing us to figure out her motives as she goes. Maybe it’s indicative of the fact that she herself doesn’t quite know why she has taken him in, and she’s figuring things out as well.
You’ve managed to go for two chapters while dangling the promise of character interaction before us – I kept expecting them to start interacting, and you kept putting it off – and yet you haven’t lost the tension, or allowed it to get boring. Great job. I’m not sure how I feel about the pairing yet, but you’ve definitely caught my interest (it’s amazing how a good writer can make you interested in things you never thought you’d like), and I’ll look forward to seeing more.
Author's Response: This review is.. frame-able. Ginny's motives and conflicting options aren't really as apparent as they should be in the beginning, and that makes perfect sense. Maybe I coulld suggest something about a sense of accomplishment... we shall see.
And.. squee! I did that last bit on purpose, not letting them talk or interact until Ginny can figure out what she's about. Thank you again and again for the valuable encouragement and suggestions.
I was searching for something to review, and originally skimmed right past this because it’s Draco/Ginny, a pairing which has never interested me at all. I decided to risk it because I wanted to review for a spewer I’d never reviewed for before, and was quite pleasantly surprised. I actually don’t think I’ve ever read a Draco/Ginny fic before, so I guess my prejudice was completely blind – and I’ll give you credit for helping me get rid of it.
To start with, I really like what you’ve done with Ginny. “She wondered what kind of freedom she could have if she swapped places with one of her brothers, just for a day.” She obviously feels that she’s being limited and restricted by her family and her position. I wonder how much she really is being restricted, or if it is only in her own perception. Either way, it makes a lovely introduction for Draco/Ginny, as I imagine that a romance between them – or really, any sort of friendly interaction – will be in some sense rebellious.
You clearly tell us about Ginny’s need for freedom several paragraphs in, but you show it to us from the very beginning. Ginny’s very obvious enjoyment of the peace around her demonstrates that it’s not something she finds in other settings. The transition at the beginning of the third paragraph – “then she thought” – is very abrupt, but in a good way. It shows a definite progression; Ginny has taken the time to come out to this peaceful place, and given herself a time to relax and be free – only after that does she allow herself to start thinking.
My one qualm with the beginning (primarily the first two paragraphs) was with the syntax. When I went back and looked at the first two paragraphs closely, counting the number of times you used certain structures in a row, it didn’t seem like it was hugely repetitive. Despite this, while I was actually reading it, it seemed a bit heavy and lacking in motion. This completely disappeared after the first two paragraphs, so I think the problem was due to the description of scenery. In normal narration, where you’re describing actions, if you tend to use a specific structure a bit too much it’s likely no one will notice because they’re caught up in what’s going on. However, when you’re spending a paragraph or more describing a specific thing, whether it’s an object or a view, there’s less for the reader to pay attention to. If you aren’t very careful to vary the sentence structure it degenerates into a list. I doubt that I would have had a problem with the syntax of the first two paragraphs if you had been describing actions or thoughts, but as it was I felt a bit overloaded with sensory information. This is something which could easily be fixed by varying the structure of a few (not all) of your sentences – you have a lot of sentences which begin with, “the [subject] [verb].” I hope that makes sense – I think I’m going into ‘English-major’ mode, but it’s only because I think you’re a good enough writer to be able to pay attention to these things.
“She had learned through experience that, especially in the wizarding world, trust shouldn’t be handed out without consideration of the consequence.” I love this sentence in relation to Ginny’s experiences with Tom Riddle – you give us the feeling that she’s really grown up. It’s a little sad, really, when you think about Ginny in her first year, so eager and so inclined to hero-worship (of both Harry and Tom). I would quibble with the middle of the sentence, though. I don’t know why this stuck out to me, but it seemed odd that her experience would be especially true in the wizarding world. Trust is an issue which comes into play in both wizarding and muggle society, but even aside from that, I doubt that Ginny would be comparing trust in the wizarding world to trust in the muggle world – as a pureblood, it probably would never even occur to her.
“The mud squelched underfoot as Ginny made her way along the worn path through the forest behind The Burrow.” Should ‘the’ really be capitalized?
The chapter definitely got stronger as it went on. Ginny’s trepidation as she approaches the unknown person – it ought to be cliché, but it’s really not, and I can’t wait to see what Draco’s doing in the forest. As I mentioned, I never thought I’d like a Draco/Ginny story, but I’m interested despite myself – on to the next chapter!
Author's Response: *bows* Thank you for the marvelous review! I can't wait to go back and find the bits you suggested changing. I'm completely grateful for all of your suggestions! You have such useful advice. Thank you again! I can't wait to read the next one.
Wow! That was amazing! Ginny is so...Ginny! I can just SEE her doing that. Please update soon!
Author's Response: I'm happy you think Ginny was in character! That's always good to hear.
Wow! That was amazing! Ginny is so...Ginny! I can just SEE her doing that. Please update soon!
excellent! keep it coming! update soon!1
Author's Response: Im travelling at the moment, but Ill try to update as soon as possible. Thanks for reviewing!
thats relli good keep writing
Author's Response: Please try and use correct grammar and spelling when reviewing. Im glad you like the story!
i like it! what was on his arm? the dark mark??
Author's Response: Yes, that's what it was. I'm glad you're enjoying it!
this is good! please update soon!
...pretty please with a sugar quill on top?fine, ill throw in a bag of bertie botts but your pushin' your luck. PLEASE UPDATE!
Author's Response: Please try and leave story-based reviews. It would be much appreciated! Thank you!
Oooooh. I'm officially hooked! Great grammar/spelling/all that annoying stuff. Great imagery, as well. I like your forest, and Ginny's analysis of the past years is quite good. One question: I thought Harry was only at Privet Drive for two weeks? In any case, excellent work!
Author's Response: Ooh, a review! Thank you, Katie! I'm quite excited that you're hooked--hmm, two weeks? How frustrating. Well, I'll have to improvise. Thanks again!
Very mysterious, but good. Just one question, why would Draco be near the Burrow? He lives in a big manor.
Update soon, youv'e got me hooked on this story.
Author's Response: I'm glad you're enjoying it, and you'll soon find out. Thanks for reviewing!