MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
05/31/06 15:50 · For:
Wow. I thought that was very good. It was a very interesting concept, and I loved your description. Mind if I nit-pick a bit? Their were a few small grammar things that I would like to point out; but nothing big! :)
Tom watched the waves below him. From the dominant position over the sea, he could see very far into the horizon, where the sea and the black-pitched sky kissed and gave birth to the stars and the moon high above him; a paradise and its mirror. The scent of sea brought by waves of wind reached his face, caressing his body.
You say ‘sea’ quite a lot, here. Perhaps try ‘ocean’ or ‘waves’ or ‘the deep’ or something else, in place of it once or twice. It gives your story more variety.
His only friends were fear and power… and death.
I can quite honestly say that I don’t understand that sentence. Doesn’t he fear death? I don’t quite understand how it is his friend. I’m a bit confused, here. Maybe it's before his fear of death? Could you just clarify that part for me?
At the simple sight of him, they lowered their heads in panic, fearful of his power and walked away as fast as they could, and even though this had brought some peace and rest, it had also tortured his young heart so needed of love.
This sentence seemed quite long. Since you are describing his heart with the ‘so needed of love’, wouldn’t you put a semicolon or a comma in front of that phrase? I can’t remember which, though I think that it would make the sentence seem less like a run-on. It isn’t quite a run-on, but I still think that it could be shortened.
Tom slowly stood up, fathoming the consequences and blessings of giving that last step. He would get rid of his pain, of his burden of isolation from affection and of his dark side. This was his only path ahead for redemption, his only door to heaven.
Not sure if I’m right about this, but isn’t Heaven capitalized when it’s talking about the place? I don't quite remember that, though, so I’d check if I were you.
His own personal hell [that] his life had turned into would finally freeze to let his starlight soul fly free.
The ‘that’ makes this sentence make more sense. It’s what you mean, anyway, but the way this sentence was worded, I had to re-read it a few times to understand it.
But as he sailed the wind, he only wished one thing… to feel at least for the shortest of time what was to love.
I really liked this part. I got really into it, and I forgot that I was searching for things to nit-pick. But, here, do you mean ‘what it was to love’? I think that would make more sense, though I see where you’re coming from either way.
But his power started to falter away when the young boy’s tears turned into despair, making his figure drop lower, like a wrecked ship, towards the blazing sea. He couldn’t feel love. No matter how much he wished it, he couldn’t feel something he didn’t know.
Don’t worry, I’m not picking apart this section. I just thought I’d say that I absolutely loved it. It seemed to capture Tom Riddle so well, and tie together everything you’ve written so far. This is really nice.
He yearn the one thing that was completely unknown to him.
Do you mean ‘yearned’? If you say ‘yearn’, that’s switching to present tense.
Why he had to give up everything, when everything had been denied to him?
I don’t quite understand this; the way it was phrased. I think you mean ‘Why [did he have] to give up everything, when everything had been denied to him?’ Unless you’re going in a different direction with this sentence?
It was this hate what made his heart boil, fueling his power, giving him the chance to break through the surface of the sea into the dark wind of the night.
‘This hate that made his heart boil…’? That seems to make more sense.
His lungs welcomed the air, but his heart damned every living thing over the surface of earth. No one had ever cared for him, why would he care for them?
Ok, I tend to use semicolons more than I should, but I believe that that last comma should be a semicolon.
I really liked that. I know I’m a bit of a grammar freak, but I did really like this story. It was so different than anything I’ve ever read. It was so unique, and wonderfully written. I thought this was a very pleasurable read, with some very nice descriptions.
I would also like to comment on your characterization. I thought that you did an amazing job of portraying Tom Riddle, and how he became Voldemort. I’m one of the people who believe that he did once have a heart, so I thought that was very realistic, and interesting, the way you portrayed him. Like I said before, this was unique, but very wonderfully written! Great job, and imaginary 10/10!
Author's Response: *Gasps* Wow! I feel so special! This is the longest review I have every received! (Hmm... now that I come to think about it, that could be bad. It would mean that I had a lot of mistakes ^_^' ) Well, first of all, thank you very, very much for taking the time for such a thoughtful review. So you know, I'm correcting the things you pointed as I write this (well, not literally, but you know what I mean :P ).
Ok, now down to business. When I wrote that death was his friend, I meant it as the act of seeding death amongst others, not so literally. Though I see what you try to point out :)
Now, about the run-on sentence, I just modified that sentence to make it shorter. Hope it is prettier now :D
Hmm... I'm not sure either if it is 'heaven' or 'Heaven', so I checked it in Merriam Webster online dictionary and it says it is often capitalized. It is now capitalized :)
Oh, and I added the 'that' and the 'it' where you suggested, too!
Ah, I too liked that part a lot. Maybe what I liked the most of that part was the comparison with a wrecked ship. However, my favorite line of the whole story is: "His own personal hell that his life had turned into would finally freeze to let his starlight soul fly free." Don't ask me why, though :)
Actually, I applied all the changes you suggested. I have to say it again: thank you very, very, very much for such a thoughtful review! I'd be happy if you were my beta *hint* :)
Ah, what can I say to a great reviewer besides thank you? I'm so glad you took the time read and correct me whenever it was need. I had been wishing for this type of review for sooo long. Thank you for making it happen :)
Author's Response: Agh, I still need to get the grip to the format in here :)
(Signed) · Date:
05/30/06 20:16 · For:
I liked it. I thought it was cool.
Author's Response: Hi! Well, thank you. Good to know :)
(Signed) · Date:
05/30/06 9:15 · For:
Wow, that gave me goose bumps. One of you best FF. I've never really thought of Voldemort going bad that way...if you know what a mean.
And that final line The boy, Tom Marvolo Riddle, had died under the silent dance of the waves. Lord Voldemort was born from the ashes of the sea.
Awesome!!! Keep them coming! Lisa xxx
Author's Response: Ah *if he could, AstroFire would be blushing now* thank you! You have once again brightened my day (I just received my PI test results and I could only achieve 75%, which is not enough :/ ). One of my best? I have to admit that I back you up on that one ;) And me neither, I had always thought he was evil since always, but then I thought: "Can you actually be born evil?" and then all this came :) Once again I found myself agreeing with you: that last line is one of my favorites, but maybe my favorite would be: "His own personal hell his life had turned into would finally freeze to let his starlight soul fly free."
Anyway, thank you very, very much for another lovely review :)
(Signed) · Date:
05/30/06 4:09 · For:
Goodness! This is a beautiful oneshot! Wow! I don't know what else to say. I could imagine the whole scene, and Tom's thoughts flowed; they made sense. This Is just wonderful!
Author's Response: Hi loligo8me! (Great name btw!) Ah, you don't know how much you have relieved me! I was starting to have my doubts (it always happen to me when one of my stories has just been approved). But your very kinds words are very much appreciated :) Thank you for reviewing!
(Signed) · Date:
05/29/06 19:16 · For:
That was a very interesting story. They way the ocean washed away Tom and only left Lord Voldemort was very interesting. My only thought is about him thinking of his mom as a muggle. Was this after he had talked to Dumbledore and knew he was a wizard, or before? It is hard to tell. I did enjoy this view of things, however.
Author's Response: Hi again cheslin :) Well, I lilked this story very much. Probably the thing I like the most about it is the fact that Tom was once innocent, and that he really fought to remain like that; it was the turn of all events what consumed his soul. Now, at first I didn't understand what you were trying to tell me, but now I do. Well, to tell you the truth, when I wrote this I'd had in my mind that Tom was very, very young, so he hadn't yet met Dumbledore nor he knew that he was a wizard. He had a vague idea that he wasn't like the others, but he didn't know exactly why. But your review has made me think of something... I'm not sure, maybe you could clarify that to me... I think that Tom Ryddle didn't know that his mother was muggle before he talked with Dumbledore. I'm really not sure of that, and I don't have any of the books at hand (all my stuff is still travelling to my new home; as you can probably remember, I moved very recently and the things are still travelling and will be for at least another five weeks >.<). If that is correct, that would mean that I really was mistaken :/ Maybe I'll have to add an AU warning, heh. Anyway, thank you for reviewing, Cheslin, I was hoping to see your name amongst the reviews :) And wish me luck! I'm going to apply for one of the mod positions, although I don't know if I'll be able to get it. Besides that, I'm also waiting the results for my PI test O_o
Author's Response: Ah, ok, I fixed that. I changed the line to something like: "... and his mother for being weak and dying...". I think that should do it :)
(Signed) · Date:
05/29/06 18:41 · For:
Hey AstroFire, I haven't actually read this yet, but I have a question first. Is it meant to be without spaces? It's a little hard on the eyes as it is. I'll be back in just a little to read it and review, it sounds like a good one!
Author's Response: Ahh, no. It's not meant to be like that. I was so sad when I opened it and found it like one, big block of letters. I fixed it as soon as I could, so hopefully it will be better now :) Thanks for the notice!
Author's Response: Oh, and by the way, thank you for your review, even if it was only to tell me that :) It's good to see you here :D
(Signed) · Date:
05/29/06 17:42 · For:
Author's Response: Er... thank you :)