This was fantastic! Are you planning on adding more?
when are you going to continue this story? Your readership anxiously awaits! (And The Severed Souls too, whilst you're at it.)
ohhh cliffhanger !!!! grrrrrrrr its getting so good and so had to make a cliffhanger!! awe well for the better i guess
*snorts* This chapter has re-amused me for an hour.
I love the story. I am suprised by Remus, though.
Im loving this story like crazy. Thank you. It's also very different from other stories...I think. More More!!
i think this was an ausome chapter
I really like the story, when will there be more chapters?
It was so good to see this story updated! We all get side tracked from time to time and lose track of different stories. It is good to know you haven't permanently forgotten! :) Poor Severus, and poor Maeve. I love the many layers of Roderick. It is always fun to read a scene with him in it. Cyns
I can't wait for more.
I think that it was well written.
I LOVE this story! Please, please, PLEASE update soon! I enjoy it so much! It fills my, "What if?"
PLEEEZE update soon! i luv it so far and im going crazy thinking of the possibilities of what's next! Give me a hint: is Severus going to catch Pettigrew??
Oh Jan...I had read the first chapter of this before, but now that I've read all you have thus far... You know I adore Severus, and at first I was really frustrated with him hurting Maeve, but what Maeve did...I'm crushed. I really hope there is an explanation.
I'm really looking forward to reading more of this. I feel as if the Maeve/Severus series has become my own personal little soap opera. I truly hope they work it out.
Please update soon!! This story is fascinating and I cannot wait for more.
me likey! i cant wait for the next chapter. u must update soon!
ooooooooo. she starts to believe. I like. You're a very convincing writer. lol.
oh gosh. I'm a little depressed now. It was very good. I like it a lot.
omg......lol. I love it. lol.
I have a new colour-coding system for reviewing. I am hoping it will help me put my points into a more chronological order, but I doubt it will. Here goes nothing…
I’ve picked chapter 2 because I said I’d do a ‘review on your sexy chapter’ and I’m not going to chicken out, and, more genuinely, because it does convey everything I love about your writing. The atmosphere you create between Hermione and Severus and then between Remus and Maeve conveys beautifully the theme of betrayal. There is such a stark contrast between how the former couple react to one another to how the latter do, yet I sympathised with each character on some level (even Remus, in the end) because of the amount of effort you put in to the characterisation. I know I’ve said this before, Jan, but reading your stories is helping my own writing tremendously. I know there are many people on this site who compete to be your number one fan (I think Anna deserves the title, lol) so please just stick me in the top five!
I highlighted in green the different descriptions that I think helped to sustain and enhance the mood of your chapter. You have a way with metaphors that really helps to deepen the meaning of the story. Here, for example: “the icy hand of panic grabbed his heart and twisted it from his chest” through personifying Severus’ panic you make the atmosphere all the more menacing, and I actually felt my heart twitch a little bit at the action you describe. Later on, I really liked another description of Severus’ situation: “Everything had the appearance of a world being melted in the simmering heat of a hot afternoon.” The image it brings forward is almost hellish, and it helps to portray just how much torment Severus is going through, whilst at the same time being an ‘afternoon’ isn’t too brutal. Afternoons always end and what follows is the coolness of the evening. I am over-analysing now, aren’t I? I liked this description of Hermione; it made me tingle… “She could still feel the ghost of him inside her, and it terrified her that the sensation was not unpleasant” The idea of the feelings staying with her, haunting her like a ghost, is powerful – it shows how the memory is not going to fade away, and Hermione will have to endure all the conflicted feelings that it brings forth. You acknowledge that the feeling wasn’t unpleasant, which is certainly within Hermione’s character to feel – she is a woman now, after all. I like the idea that the ghost that will follow her around won’t necessarily be one of disgust at the act, but shame that she enjoyed it.
Okay, next colour is pink. Characterisation – an equally delicious aspect of your writing. Severus is just so Severus throughout his encounter with Hermione. I liked how he doesn’t bother to cover himself because “the damage had been done; what need was there to cover up the deed between themselves?” . I probably would have had him cover himself up immediately, but I simply love the way he doesn’t care about his exposure, just like he isn’t a man to care about appearances. Whilst Hermione is flustered about the actual act, Severus is already dwelling on the consequences. He’s such a deep thinker and I like how he immediately regresses in on himself because of that. I especially liked how “the temptation to order her from the house [was] so strong that he had to clamp his lips together” I very much expected him to order her out. I liked how he refrained himself, your Severus does have some compassion even if he’s unwilling to acknowledge it, but he does make it clear through the subtleties of his behaviour that he wants her to leave. My favourite Severus!line, however, is this one: “His voice now was the Potions Master of old, and it cut through her post-coital reverie. She glanced up at him and found nothing there but coldness.” You manage to destroy any romantic image that the reader might have of Severus, and the encounter for that matter, in this description. He is back to what we see in canon: a man who would never willingly have sex with an ex-student (well, not so quickly, anyway *defends her ship*). I find it interesting that you used the word “reverie” – was Hermione musing over it, perhaps unconsciously working up an attraction for him? I can understand Severus’ need to destroy that.
Onto Maeve and Remus. You’ve created a distance from Maeve’s emotions through writing the scene from Remus’ POV. Before, when you ‘head hopped’ her feelings, it was a lot more intense and created a very big impact. I really did love the part where she noticed Remus’ hair was brown and not black – an amazing attention to detail that shows how it’s the smallest of things that can alert people to reality. Because you were sustaining Remus’ POV, Remus had to presume her emotions and channel them to the reader. To some degree, you succeeded with this, but I do wonder whether Remus could know that much about the feelings Maeve was having. Such as here, His head knew so many things about this moment: she was doing this because of the pain she felt, she wanted comfort, she needed to feel loved and wanted, and he should not be giving her these things. Whilst they’re very simple needs from a person who felt betrayed, would Remus know all of this in that sudden, passionate moment? Or would he be too wrapped up in his sexual desires to reason it out? I can see how he’d come to the conclusion afterwards, but not in the moment. On the other hand, I loved your reasoning behind his desire for her, especially the part where he asks: “so why was she raising her hand to his face, tracing her slender fingers over the scars and lines that lived there?” This created a very tender image in my mind of the two of them together, and I could almost see why Remus would want to cheat on his wife. Maeve is a very powerful woman, after all.
I loved the change of pace from the point where they are together to when she flees away from him. The sudden awakening to reality mirrors when the potion stops working on Severus and Hermione, but whilst their lust was magically-enhanced, the only thing Maeve can blame hers on is the effects of alcohol. I liked this line: “Pulling her clothes back on, she found herself crying again; crying for the original betrayal and for this new one” It brings back the theme of betrayal, making it all the more bitter now that Maeve has properly betrayed Severus. One little concrit I would like to give is, why does she talk to Felicia’s nightgown? I just find it a little child-like. Considering how mature Maeve is, it seems unlike her to be using something that is owned by the wife of the man she just slept with as a comfort. Wouldn’t it be more fitting for her to find something that reminds her of Severus? Perhaps her wedding ring?
I’ll just make one small comment on my favourite ‘sexy moment.’ You certainly don’t shy away from describing passionate scenes – I did get a little flustered at some points. Remus’ desire for Maeve comes across in the strong descriptions of her from his POV. I especially liked this line: “Remus touched the pale skin with reverence, treating her as if she were made of porcelain.” He’s totally infatuated by her at this point… almost enchanted by her… You can certainly see she is the daughter of an immortal; she’s able to use her sexual power on Remus whilst not even realising she is due to her upset about Severus. I am really beginning to like Maeve.
In bright red are the typos!! *sinister laugh that turns into a girlish giggle*
Perhaps, he though to himself, if he just lay there, this would all disappear; a nightmare that had never happened.
You lost your T.
Maeve had never changed her luggage, saying it was a waste of money when what she had was still in such good condition..
Kill one of these full stops. I am sure they make a lovely pair, but it really is time they go their separate ways.
Felicia had packed bags for her and the baby and Disapparated with a barked promised that she would be back on Monday.
“I left my bags, so he must do. They weren’t exactly being secretive about what they were doing. They were covered in something too, some stupid blue paint.
What on earth was that all about?”
You need to join the last sentence onto the rest of it. It’s managed to get detached from the rest of the dialogue on a separate line and is lonely on its own.
taking care to memorize her inch of her
Has Maeve shrunk?
On that note, I am going to get myself a little bit tipsy with the rest of my Sunday afternoon and take my doggie for a walk. It is lovely weather for once in this country’s dreaded life. This story is as well-written as PMoA but I can’t say which I prefer because they’re about different human emotions, putting your characters into such different, yet equally evil, situations. But, as always, you manage to pull it off excellently! Now, tell me Jan, have you learnt to play the bagpipes during your week away?