Reviewer: hogwartswannabe
Date: 05/13/06 16:10
Chapter: I. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

i loved it!!! i thought you described all of Sirius' emotions perfectly, and i can't wait for the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thanks for your review. :)

Reviewer: QueenHal
Date: 05/13/06 15:03
Chapter: I. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Interesting premise! I admit I was a bit skeptical at first to read it, because the idea could easily turn clich, but something kept me reading. I love how you envision the realm behind the veiland I think it's your strongest point in this chapter. It's truly mystifying and an fact, almost like something out of a myth itself. It really works. I also enjoyed reading about Luna's mum, and had a nice surprise when I found out it was her.

Sirius, I found a bit out of character, though, as much as this character worked for your story. However, I found him a bit... accepting? (For lack of a better word). Sirius is the type that would fight for the death for anything. I just didn't see him fighting at all. And not once did he worry about the outcome of Harry and his friends.

A few examples of OOC Sirius:

He would only miss out on the battle. As much as this option would be welcome as a opposed to death, it's certainly still not Sirius' cup of tea. He'd want to be IN the fight, helping Harry. I might insert a little side comment from him after this line. --Bollocks, Sirius thought fiercely, How can I help Harry, now?-- might work.

Its like someone spilled the insides of my head into a black, lightless pit, he mused silently. He would have spoken out loud, but a voice required a body.

Even though he's just thinking it, the above line seems really awkward. Sirius is a rash mannot an introspective one. You could, however, use that as a description. It's a fantastic bit and would work well as one... however, I'm not big on it being used as Sirius' line. Not at all.

Also, in your last paragraph... have him think about something other than himself. Possibly Harry? Or James? Something that hooks Sirius' present state to the adventure he's about to enter. Maybe have him think-- So James, this is what it's like to really die.

Or something. Your story :) However, I really do think if you take into consideration my concrit, you will have a much stronger narrative. Keep it up!

Author's Response: Yeah, I do realise he's a bit OOC. I find Sirius a bit hard to write, personally. This is good practice. :) I tried to change some of the second chapter to reflect this, but he still seems a bit too accepting, but not overly so as he was before I rewrote it.

Reviewer: True Blonde7
Date: 05/13/06 14:44
Chapter: I. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

pretty good, but i`ve seen better. too much fate.

Author's Response: Unfortunately, fate is gonna be one of the main ideals of the story. Especially if your name is Monday Lovegood.

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