A fabulous conclusion to a wonderful story. I love how the title of the last chapter is symbol for what happens not only in this chapter, but also in the whole story. Dawn, to me, symbolizes the beginning of something new, but also the end of something. For Remus this means that he can finally put his past behind him, in a way make peace with his father and start something new, allow someone new close to him.
Edouardís letter was perfect. I would have thought it unbelievable had he told Remus how sorry he was in his letter and tried to make excuses. The way you wrote it, it was in keeping with what you showed us of Edouard before. He might have realised some of his mistakes, but not the full extent, and he is, even while writing a letter he will never send, essentially still running away and hiding. I love how my prediction about Abraxas Malfoy came true, I truly didnít remember that. *giggles*
The hospital scene was very emotional, even more emotional than the rest of the story. It touched me deeply, but Iím missing the words to describe how exactly it made me feel. It was by far the most emotional part of the whole story.
The first meeting of Remus and Tonks was like a ray of sunlight in a dark room, it lightened this otherwise very depressing chapter considerably. I really like the way Sirius letter and Remusís request she read it with Albus Dumbledore present can be tied into canon to mark the point in time in which Tonks learns about and joins the Order of the Phoenix. That was a very good and unique idea. Tieing all of this in with HBP in the final scene was brilliant. Finally Remus allows someone in again and here he shows how different from his father he is and that Evey did have an influence on his character, even after all the badness he went through in his life.
A brilliant piece of writing that truly deserves recognition. Youíre a very gifted writer.
Author's Response: The hospital scene is something that is very personal to me, too. Again, rereading this chapter, I am pleased with how I wrote the hospital scene. As I finished writing this chapter, I watched someone finish that last weeks of their life. It's really hard to describe what I felt, which is probably why it's so hard to put a word to how you feel about the hospital scene. I'll try to describe something for you here, though. Death Cab for Cutie, in their 'Plans' album, sings 'What Sara Said' (Track 9). The song is about someone about watching someone die slowly in the hospital, similiar to the way Evey died. If you can listen to the song, great, but if you can't, the line that sums the hospital scene up is 'Love is watching someone die.' Coming from experience, it really is true. You don't watch someone die because they can do anything for you, you can do anything for them, because other people want you there, or because that person owes you something. You watch someone die that slow death because you love them. I'm glad you liked Tonks coming in at the end. I didn't know if that huge jump in time would work, but I guess it did. Remus accepting Tonks is him turning away form that life Edouard led. Remus had the potential to lead that lonely life, but he chooses not do it. Remus accepts Tonks, who is free spirited like Evey, and he lets that love back into his life, which brings him full circle. I will be so pissed if Tonks and/or Remus die in DH.
Oh, I had almost forgotten about St. Walpurgis Night! Funny how all of a sudden the small hamlet is bursting with activity when only a small number of people were at the funeral. It once again shows how lonely Remusís father was in Sweden.
Itís just so typically Sirius to go to a celebration like this regardless of the danger he puts himself in. Sirius is just the type of person who canít stay confined inside anywhere, as can be seen in OotP, and you show that very well here. I like that you had him write a letter to Andromeda. Since both were disowned by their family, it only stood to reason that the cousins would keep in contact and become rather close. After all, who better to understand what theyíre going through with their family than someone who has gone through the same. Itís strange to think that Kingsley and Tonks donít know the truth about Sirius and Peter yet, but I guess they arenít members of the Order yet, so why should they.
Remusís father made me so angry in this chapter. How can he talk to his wife like that and treat his son the way he does? Where is the slightly stuffy, but loving husband and father we see in the first two chapters? Thatís not to say that his characterisation is bad, because itís far from it, but it makes me sad for Remus, whose childhood is not at all pleasant anymore.
I like how the roles have become reversed and Remus is reading to Evelyn now. They are still as close as ever and she still loves him and shows him she does. Remus wouldnít have become the gentle, loving man he is in canon if he hadnít had at least one parent who showed him their love. Itís hard to say who is worse off after the werewolf attack, Evelyn seems a mere shadow of her former self, but Remus now has to deal with his lycanthropy. Both have hard lives and Edouard certainly doesnít make them easier.
Like a clouds, dust rose up from where the boxes had been set. You put the article in singular and the noun in plural here, one of them has to be changed so they match.
Bjorn brushed the dust the boxes had deposited on his robes away with a flourish. Remus didnít even both with his gray, tattered clothes. I think you meant to write Ďbotherí here instead of Ďbothí.
I hope Remus can put aside his anger at his father and open the boxes for more than just putting Siriusís letter in one of them. He needs some sort of closure and the funeral certainly didnít provide it. Trying to forget about something never really works, he has to deal with it first before he can move on.
Like usual, great chapter and Iím looking forward to the conclusion of this story.
Author's Response: Edouard, at this point, is not the same man we saw in the first two chapters. He's really changed at this point, and there are several things that contribute to why Edouard has changed. First, he blamed Remus because he couldn't admit that it was his fault his wife and sone were attacked, but deep inside, Edouard is living with that hatred towards himself. Edouard's self loathing causes him to run from the world and end up alone in Sweden. So, at this point in the story, Edouard is trying to still protect his wife and son, but he feels he's powerless to do so. Edouard has also been around while Remus transforms, and while this isn't in the story, it definately is a huge part of why Edouard acts the way he does. He's sort of old fashioned, and Edouard just doesn't want to live with the guilt that his son, whom he put in danger, hurt another person. Remus also uses the reason that he doesn't want to put people in danger as an excuse to stay away from others.
Poor Remus! Heís just a child and his father treats him like itís his fault he and Evelyn were attacked, when in reality it was Evelynís idea to go out and his father who made the enemies. I forgot to comment on this in the previous chapter, but I had a bad feeling when Evelyn ran into Abraxas Malfoy in Diagon Alley and the interest with which he watched Remus then, combined with the werewolf only biting Remus, makes me believe that he was one of the men Edouard was onto and sent the werewolf after his family to stop him from exposing his illegal activities. Here lie the beginnings of what is alluded to in canon, because before now Remus and his father seemed to have quite a good relationship, now that seems utterly destroyed.
Evelyn was so brave to fight against the werewolf, even badly wounded as she was, only to protect her son, not to protect herself and her husband treats him like it is his fault. I can see arguments between them stemming from Adouardís treatment of Remus, because I canít see Evelyn loving her son any less than before the attack.
What I mentioned in my last review, how similar Remus and his father seem in their isolation was again reinforced during the burial in this chapter. Remus thinks at one point, that none of the Muggles really knew his father. This reminded me how Remus tries to keep Tonks away from him in HBP and how he doesnít seem to have any close friends after Siriusís death in OotP. I still believe Remus and his father are/were more alike (at least in their living situation) than Remus realises or would like to believe while he is in Sweden.
She turned towards the woods, which was cloaked in a shroud of darkness under the trees. You use Ďwoodsí in its plural form here, but Ďwasí is singular. It either needs to be Ďwoodí and Ďwasí or Ďwoodsí and Ďwereí to be grammatically correct.
IT frightened her, and she remembered her husbandís warning. ďRemmy, letís go home,Ē Evey muttered as she clutched her sonís shoulder. The Ďtí in it shouldnít be capitalized here.
ĎThey died that day,í Remus realized as he gazed at images the flickered through from the past. I think the bolded word should be Ďthatí instead of Ďtheí here.
Incredible chapter! I love your writing, itís such a tragic story, but the words you use are in a strange way very beautiful. I especially love the depth of emotion you convey in your writing.
Author's Response: Yeah, Remus wants to deny he's like his dad. I think that's why I wanted Remus to resent is dad so much. When you experience extreme emotions about people, it's you projecting the likes or dislikes about yourself onto that person to a certain extent. I know I've caught myself doing this, and this is what Remus does with his dad. I fixed those mistakes. They were silly, though.
Itís been ages since I reviewed the first chapter of this story and although I read the whole thing back then, I wanted to reread it again and leave reviews for the other chapters as well. I love this story to bits and yet it has hardly any reviews. Itís a shame really.
I donít really remember what Remusís nightmare was all about from the last time I read this, but Iím sure it has something to do with why his father came to Sweden and lived like a poor Muggle there. The house reminded me of Remusís won living conditions with all the threadbare furniture and clothing. Although Remus seems to not want to have anything to do with his fatherís memory and the things he left him, I feel that they are, in fact, very similar or at least lived similarly. The youthful outlook on life Evelyn had isnít seen in Remus anymore now that he is an adult, and Iím curious to see why that is.
Sirius is perfect! I can just see him making the crossing to Sweden on a Muggle boat and then making his way to the hotel Remus is staying in, in his Animagus form. He essentially broke into the hotel and itís this almost reckless action that shows a character trait of his that can be seen when he breaks into Gryffindor Tower to kill Peter in PoA and numerous other places in canon.
However, a trip to Diagon Alley was never complete without a trip to Flourish and Blottís. That is so true! No shopping trip is complete without a stop at the bookstore. This line and Evelynís apparent love for literature made me really connect with her character and see her as something else than a bit silly.
Bjorn went into the kitchen, which had a washing machine, too. Remus looked followed and looked at the electrical outlets and the appliances heíd read about in Muggle studies. I think the bolded Ďlookedí shouldnít be there as the sentence makes perfect sense without it, but seems strange with it.
Remus shoved the key below the brass handle and giggled it until the he could feel the tumblers move. Same as above, I think the bolded word shouldnít be in there, it seems out of place where it is.
Remus reached down and picked up the Muggle Bible below the nightstand. The yellowing pages had yellowed and many of them were earmarked from frequent reading. You only need to refer to the pages as being yellowed once in this sentence. It seems strange to say it twice in succession.
Brilliant chapter, you definitely know how to work with suspense. Even though Iíve read the story before I still couldnít stop reading now.
Author's Response: Yeah, Remus's nightmare connects to the last chapter when he's in the hospital, so look at the ending of the hospital part to see what I mean. Yeah, I was happy with Sirius in this chapter. I was throwing plot ideas around in my mind, and I thought, Sirius would roam around a lot because Sirius's lack of roaming essentially drives him crazy in OotP.
Heather, I love this story. Your descriptions are absolutely amazing -- so rich and flowery and have such depth.
And this chapter was so intense! I knew as soon as Evey opened the door that Remus was going to get attacked, and I was begging them not to go out! The way it opens, talking about the bloody sun, just really struck me. That seems to set up the tone for the rest of the chapter, foreshadowing Remusís descent into melancholy. His childhood has been so cheerful and rosy up to this point, but soon it will be bloody, warped, and desolate. Itís just fantastic.
You also did did a fantastic job keeping Remus in age. Heís only seven when heís attacked, and you donít give him thoughts that are too mature. Heís just an eager little boy still, and you can really see that in your portrayal of him.
You are extremely talented, Heather. Keep up the fantastic work!
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it. The AP readers gave me a 5 (which equal college credit) on my Eng. Lit test, which means I sort of know what I'm doing, but I really haven't had anyone work with me on fiction writing. I have trouble keeping children in age, but when it's not first peron, it's a lot easier to make children seem younger. Also, this chapter's imagery was my favorite out of the entire story, so thanks for appriciating it. It's thrilling to read so many amazing reviews to this story, which I poured so much time into when I could have been studying or partying.
This is a wonderful story! I'm really enjoying the setting, and it is a fascinating character study of Lupin. I think the way you've combined events of the past with events of the present works really well, and really shows us who you think Lupin really is. I also like the way you've separated out some of his characteristics and given them to his mother and father, separately.
One critique I have is that I would have liked to know what time the story was set in earlier. I had assumed that it was in the future from the books, and therefore I was very surprised when Sirius showed up. Also, there are little grammatical things that catch my eye, such as saying that, "The yellowing pages had yellowed," which is redundant, but they do not impede my understanding of the story.
Very well done!
Author's Response: With the timing, I hoped I made that clear in chapter one when Remus mentioned that this was happening during the Triwizard Tournment. Yes, the time is important, and I hope the flashbacks aren't over whelming. Yeah, I tend to get carried away with the descriptions, and I'm appologizing now for not catching that really redundant line. Ak. It'll get fixed. Also, I'd like to thank the SBBC for a month of some very indepth critiques on this story. I was actually surprised by the negativity Sirius/Evey generated, and I'll take the comments to mind as I continue to write more fanfic. However, I was also pleased that some of you thought highly of my writing because I suffered a blow with a persuasive essay I was supposed to write, and this helped me keep my mind on the fact that, although I had a dip in the lit. grade, that I still can write, and all it takes to be a better writer is to improve my style.
I have the great pleasure of telling you that your story is being read and discussed by the SBBC. Feel free to take a look at our discussion threads on the beta boards to see what we have to say about it.
Sweden. Interesting choice for a country Remus could go to. Iím curious to see why he is there and what this Ďmissioní entails and what Remus meant when he thought, he will be reliving the past soon enough. I particularly like the way you describe the Ministry of Magic and all the other places in this chapter. Your writing style is superb, Remusís characterisation is very well done and your OCs are all very different and intriguing. Especially the huge differences between grandfather and grandson Asketorp were very entertaining. What did Greger Asketorp do to Remusís wand in the office? Did he cast a spell on it that would make Remus unable to use it during his stay in Sweden?
Remusís mother is like a breath of fresh air. Her cheerfulness and childishness were delightful and it was nice to see how Remusís father lightened up when she was around, as he seemed quite dull and overly committed to his work before. From this one scene, Remusís childhood seems to have been a really nice one, full of games and laughter, before he was bitten and turned into a werewolf. I like this. We know that after he was bitten his childhood was anything but pleasant, but I like to think that he was a happy and carefree child before.
The old gentlemen walked silently over to the desk and added the pieces of parchment he held onto the mountainous stack already there. Seeing as youíre only talking about one man here, this has to be Ďgentlemaní.
Very nice first chapter! Iím curious to see how you will make the scenes from Remusís past relate to what he has to do in Sweden, though I guess it all ties in with his being bitten by a werewolf and turning into one himself somehow.
Author's Response: Since you noted my description, it might be no surprise to you that two of my favorite books happen to be Jane Eyre and the Lord of the Rings. I personally think I can always do more with description, though, but it's hard to keep description from weighing the story down. However, the wand getting striped was Greger tagging Remus's wand so that they knew what magic he was doing in Sweden. Actually, I think I explain why it's hard to cross magical country boarders later, or at least why I think it would be difficult, but the tagging is a way for the Ministry to keep track of Remus while he's in Sweden. The one stripe is to tag the wand as a werewolf's wand, and the other stripe is to denote Remus's 'business' in Sweden. So, he can still use magic, but his wand is being monitored. Also, Bjorn has been assigned to basically keep an eye on Remus because he's a werewolf. Bjorn mentions getting the unpleasant cases, and to Greger, monitoring a werewolf would also be considered an unpleasant case.
I am deeply impressed with this story. Remus Lupin has always been one of my favorite characters, and you have given him an entirely new dimension to live and breath in for your readers. You have a unique style of writing that just slips off the page easily, and carries the reader away into the world you have so vividly painted. Your way of writing is completely different from JKRs, but not in a bad way. As far as I'm concerned you should find a story, an editor, and a publisher of your own. Your talent is highly developed. While not perfect, this is the best written fan fiction I have read so far. My only criticism-- and I'm being very nit-picky here-- is that there were a few places things were too confusing for the reader to follow with perfect ease. The opening paragraphs spring to mind. It was difficult to make out what was going on, and who was who. When Greger introduces Bjorn I had to read every thing through twice to figure out whether Bjorn was the younger or older man, or whether there might even be a fourth person besides Lupin. Things like this happen very occasionally throughout the story, and they are in fact so rare it didn't mar the work at all. An extra proof read might be a good idea too, but now I'm bordering the line between mildly important and wildly unimportant.
The characters you created have a piercing beauty, and are thoroughly developed. I wouldn't describe this story as a tear-jerker, it goes way beyond that. It throbs with the pain Lupin has felt since childhood, and conveys the devastation wrecked upon his once happy family. You can feel the poignant stabs of pain that sear Evey's heart and mind as she raises her eyes to the moon on that fateful night, her ravaged son in her arms.
Keep writing stories. Pax.
Author's Response: Hmm, I'll have to watch that dialogue part. I'm not surprised I did that, though, because the beginning was the most difficult to write for me. This is probably the most flattering review I've ever gotten, and I don't try to mimick Jo's style. I like the way she writes, but I'm not her, but that's okay for me. Thanks for the comment on my style, and I'll try not to dissapoint. I'm glad you liked Evey, too, because I might do a one-shot on her, also.
Simply beautiful story. Well written, characters portrayed magnificently, and deeply emotional. Okay, that means I liked it a lot. I like your explanation of how Remus became a werewolf, and the relationship Remus has with each of his parents, and with Tonks. YOu couldvr put Sirius' letter into the story, though, I wanted to read it. maybe a oneshot where Tonks and Dumbledore read the letter? I also like Tonks and Andromeda, most people have them in a loving family, not explaining Tonks's comment at the beginning of OotP, but in the context of your story it makes sense. Excellent job.
Author's Response: Yeah, I don't like how Tonks's relationship to her mum is just sort of left out of every story. I don't think they're a happy family, from what context clues are given.
Well done. Most people create a very loving, normal family for Remus. You've explained him and his background wonderfully, very convincingly. The emotion is excellent, as well. Good job!
Author's Response: Thanks. The emotion was what I wanted to convey, and I'm glad that came through.
First thing, I like how you took the time to have a chapter just where you slowly introduced us to your story. The work you put into describing the setting and with charactization will be reallly halpful to the reader, I think, later on.
I will admit I was confused by the flashback, but I throughly enjoyed it and can't wait to see the importance and what happens to Eddy. Another note, I really liked how you characterized young Remus. Most fics I've read have him as a quiet bookworm, even as a kid. You gave him some personality that I think shows his future Marauder side.
I reallly liked the description in the first three paragraphs. "These rays illuminated the purple bags under the eyes, along with every care-worn line on the face of the man who sat in the lone chair across from the desk." This sentence just jumps out at me, I really liked it.
While I think you've set up for future chapters well, my one critism would be this. In present day you didn't give the reader any reason to want to read to on. There was no hook that catches the reader and makes them want to know what happens next. The only things you allude to happening are the holiday and that house, but I didn't feel need to want to know what is going to happen at either. Now, with the past story I felt that. I want to know what happens to Eddy. I want to know if its because his son is a werewolf or is this is before that happens. See the differrence between the two.
Overall it is an interesting story and its very clear you did your research. Good luck on the challenge.
Author's Response: I usually include the 'hook,' and I like to build the suspense, but for this first chapter in the present day, it didn't seem to fit the story. My 'hook' is essentially the flashbacks and connecting the bridge between the past and present.
Great start! I loved Remus' reverie, it really reminds one what Remus lost when he was infected. Also! Great visualizations. It was so easy to image the settings with the details you provided. 10/10 : )
Author's Response: Thanks for your review. Your help with the first chapter really helped me focus to write some more. I'm rushing to the deadline, though.