This is a superbly written poem - with a good word choice and great rhyme scheme. I enjoyed reading it.
Just silently waiting I agree with nutty that it would sound best if you removed the just, because that seems to rather spoil the morbid effect in that particular stanza.
The jet of green light
hit Dumbledore’s chest.
It was all my fault.
I know it, don’t protest!
Then Snape gave a laugh,
ran down the stairs.
Please, someone please come.
Answer my prayers! I think what Anna means by this being choppy is that in these two stanzas alone Harry feels fear, guilt and helplessness. Perhaps you could adjust that by modifying the last two lines in each stanza to fuse each feeling separately. It's not a very major problem, though. It's still an excellent poem! Good job!
The beginning of this poem gives a powerful imagery. You've certainly hook your reader immediately with that start. A suggestiong though
'Just silently waiting' I would suggest you take off the word "Just". Stating only 'Silently waiting' would give a more 'active' feel to the line.
This is another small suggestion that you can ignore if you want:
I could tell from his face...
instead maybe say: "Weary that old and gentle face..." the reason for this is that it gives a better imagery and would flow better with the next line. (at least I think so)
Maybe what Periwinkle meant is this line sounded somewhat forced: I know it, don’t protest!.
How about changing it to: "I tried to scream my protest.
Oh and switching tense here: joining in the fray. The rest of the poem was in past tense so i ought to be "joined".
All nit-picking aside. This is a wonderfully written piece. There's imagery and you effectively told a story. The 7th quatrain seemed a bit too long, but this sort of style doesn't really concentrate on the meter, the rhythm comes for the rhymes and your poem rhymes well.
i thought it was well written in his POV.
Very interesting...
I like the how you managed to make it rhyme. I liked it very much. One thing you might want to partake is that some parts of the poem are a bit choppy and cut up, like this:
The jet of green light
hit Dumbledore’s chest.
It was all my fault.
I know it, don’t protest!
Then Snape gave a laugh,
ran down the stairs.
Please, someone please come.
Answer my prayers!
It doesn't fit together very well. You include a lot of emotions in that short space, and it confuses the reader.
Overall, great job!
Author's Response: Thanks for the compliment. I dont really get what you mean witht he not fitting together. Care to explaine? Do you mean it is to wordy?
