MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Madame Marauder (Signed) · Date: 12/02/06 13:35 · For: Oneshot
I love how you captured Bella's character, her delusion, that she is beloved by Voldemort. That no matter the things he has made her do, the punishments she has endured because of her loyalty to him, she still wants to be considered his "most faithful Death Eater". It is hard to take anything she says too seriously, as we, the readers, know that she suffers both from insanity and cognative dissonace. And yet, despite this knowledge, you were able to write from Bellatrix's point of view well enough to show why she thinks she is lucid.

And that, is the mark of an excellent storyteller.

Author's Response: Oh! Thank you so much! This is so great and makes me smile. An exellent storyteller... thanks! :)

Name: MaraudersAffair (Signed) · Date: 06/29/06 14:34 · For: Oneshot
Wow, that was really amazing. You captured Bellatrix's voice completely. I was actualy starting to understand her reason and that is very powerful. Your writing is excellent.

Author's Response: Thank you, thank you, thank you for the wonderful review!

Name: kumydabookworm (Signed) · Date: 06/26/06 16:32 · For: Oneshot
Gemma Hawk – Faithful Death Eater

Here’s your complimentary review, dear! Thanks for entering the In-House Challenge. :) I have several points to make with this story.

The stylistic repetition is good. Prisoners in Azkaban must have to repeat things to themselves to keep from losing them. I also like the ideas you choose to repeat – the ideas most central to Bella’s life – the principles (or propaganda, some would consider it) or the Dark Lord.

You mention the bad memories caused by the Death Eaters, but neglect to mention the other side of the issue. Dementors not only bring up bad memories, they take away good ones. I would imagine most of Bella’s good memories are related to the Dark Lord. In my opinion, the reason she maintains such blind faith in Voldemort is because during Azkaban she only retained a few memories of him, ones that a) shows he has great power and b) one she did not find joy in. Maybe the killing of a loved one, her screaming “The Dark Lord will rescue me (not exact quote)” as she’s dragged to Azkaban, or she getting her Dark Mark (only pain then – joy comes later). Anyway, it’d be more realistic if you also mentioned the loss of good memories as opposed to simply the bad ones appearing.

Next, Bella’s bad memory of her parents. First, I applaud you for using their correct names – nice continuation of canon. However, the memory doesn’t seem appropriate. Old pureblood families (in my opinion – this isn’t canon) would look down on separation or divorce. It would make the family name look bad – and it seems to me that the Blacks held their repute in high regard. It would not be unlikely for Cygnus to have a mistress – that was something commonly accepted in medieval times and I tend to think of the old purebloods like people from the Muggle Victorian age – but I think a more appropriate memory would be Bella’s mother confronting her husband, and then saying something along the lines of…

“Fine. We will hold our own dalliances, but we must be discreet.” Mother paused. “This is the end of our marriage, you realize. I will not communicate with a man who is unfaithful to me.”

“Of course.”

Her parents’ voices were colder than any tone Bella had ever heard them use. Her mother didn’t notice her hiding in a corner as she walked out. The expression she held was a mixture of pain, fury and tears. From then on, their home had been a place of masks and formality.

Something like that. Anyway, the next point. You used the flower theme – snowdrops in spring and winter aconite similes – in the final few paragraphs. That was nice. It would add a nice touch if you started that theme at the beginning and followed through with it until the very end instead of simply including it at the ending.

Finally, you did a great job with the angst in this story. We could really see how Bella’s faith in the Dark Lord carried her through her time in Azkaban, and how that could lead to the obedient Death Eater she is today. Truly the most loyal Death Eater.


Author's Response: *looks at review* *huggles Kumy* Thanks so much! Yes, the things you've pointed out are quite true. I thought, for her parents, that it would be normal for a woman to become hysterical at the thought that her husband might be seeing another woman. Although, it's true that in pureblood families such as the Blacks, it is very possible that they would handle the matter much more calmly. Thanks!

Name: Undividable410 (Signed) · Date: 06/15/06 12:11 · For: Oneshot
Firstly, I have several questions. Why would Bellatrix count Pettigrew as a traitor to Voldemort, when everybody believes him to be dead? In the books it mentions that Sirius saw Bellatrix when he was brought in, so there is a good chance that she would have known of Pettigrew's "death".

Also, in your story you mention that it was a "cold night for October". Shouldn't this be November, as it was the final day of October when Voldemort attacked the Potters?

I really like your style of writing, it seems just like how I always thought Bellatrix would think. But one sentence seems slightly awkward to me. At the beginning of the flashback to the attack on the Longbottoms it says, "The wind was harsh on my face, and my hair had escaped my tight bun and was blowing around." I feel it might have made more sense as "The wind was harsh on my face, and my hair, which had escaped my tight bun was blowing around."

Overall, I really liked this one-shot, especially the main flashback. It's always interesting to see other peoples' thoughts about what had happened on some of those lost background pieces never specified in the books. I also really enjoyed the characterization of Bellatrix, because it stayed in perfect cannon.

Great Job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for a detailed review filled with constructive critisism! I can see those points, and actually, I don't know how I could have missed them! Thanks again, for such a wonderful review!

Name: wendelin the wierd (Signed) · Date: 04/29/06 23:09 · For: Oneshot
Sorry, my previous review got cut off because I hit enter by mistake-

An excellent story, Gemma! I really like Bellatrix fics. Beautiful and deadly. I am thorn.

Things I liked-
1) Fact that it is written from Bella's POV
2) Flow of the story.
3) Your lovely descriptions especially on appearances and emotions.
4) Flow. I also like the way Bella admires the mark. Say, is this a Bella/Voldie story?
However, I do not think Death Eaters will mind demeantors that much. That might just be me though.

Overall, I must say excellent work! Well done!

Author's Response: Aw, Thorn I just love your reviews! You're too kind. A Bella/Voldie story? I dunno, maybe Bella does have a crush on Voldie, but I don't think Voldie would ever be able to fall in love. I see your point about dementors, but I think that they effect everyone. Seeing how the dementors used to be on Voldie's side, then maybe the Death Eaters don't mind them much. Thanks so much!

Name: wendelin the wierd (Signed) · Date: 04/29/06 23:06 · For: Oneshot
An excellent story, Gemma! I really like Bellatrix fics. Beautiful and deadly. I am thorn.

Things I liked-
1) Fact that it is written from Bella's POV
2) Flow of the story.
3) Your lovely descriptions especially on appearances and emotions.
4) Flow. I also like the way Bella admires the mark. Say, is this a Bella/Voldie story?

Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review!

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