This is amazingly not trite, no matter how many variations of this I have read. Amazing job, I am utterly impressed
wow! that was an AWESOME story! please email me back at firstname.lastname@example.org
Now I'm crying. When I read:
The image of James - her James - standing proudly in front of Voldemort was scorched into her mind.
I got a huge lump in my throat. This was very believeable. Although we all envy Harry Potter, his story is tragic. It's all a tragedy. Lily and James fall in love (eventually), they have a child, both of them die saving him, and now the boy has a destiny already planned out for him.
Stupid prophecy.Fabulous story, it was very well-written. Mother does know best. Poor Lily..
Author's Response: *grins hugely* Thank you so much for the lovely review! It totally made my morning. =D
Wow, that's really good, my favourite part is when James is calling her Evans, it just seems so much like what I think he would be like in real life.
Author's Response: Oh, thank you!
Wow! You really did an amazing job on this fic. You potrayed the emotions of Lily so well, especially at the end. I really liked the 'last kiss' bit, and it made me really sad when I realized that it WOULD be their last. Like I said, everything was great, but the part that reason that I really loved this fic was how it kept me in suspense the whole time, even though I knew what was going to happen. Not many authors have that gift. Great job!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the truly lovely r eview, dear. And I see you're rather new to Hufflepuff, so welcome! =)
A very moving story!
From this review on, I will stop leaving one-liners forever. I typed a long review, but the server logged me out all of a sudden! *grumbles*
First, the praise. This story is one of the most realistic, profound and moving portrayals of Lily Evans that I've ever read. Lily was very in-character, with the right amount of bravery and apprehension. Your descriptions are pretty good, and that's what drew me in to read the story.
Now for the conc.crit. I found a sentence to be a bit too repititive with many "'wouldn't"'s: Her feet wouldn't move, her brain wouldn't think, her mouth wouldn't scream.
The snogging scene seemed slightly out of place because the story leans towards the D/A category. I don't have a problem with D/A leaning fics, considering that most stories I write are of that kind.
Overall, a very good missing moment fic!
Author's Response: Thank you so much Mini! I haven't been so surprised as I was this morning. I know what you mean with that review. I had typed up a long, SPEW review that took me an hour but it logged me off as well. Thank you for the concrit. Yes, the snogging scene is a bit out of place -- I realized that too late. The 'wouldn't's in that sentence were done purposely but I could have eased up on them. *huggles* Thank you so much, dear. =)
PERIWINKLE! *tackles* Guess what? Youíre younger than me! And guess what that makes you? The new youngest SPEW member! Yay! *showers Periwinkle with huggles*
Ahem...right. Reviewing here.
Iíve read several fics about this night, but this definitely goes on the top list for being realistic. I think itís because you explained things through detail rather than dialogue Ė how many of these fics have I seen where it starts off with Lily telling James sheís worried?
Was Voldemort going to attack tomorrow? No. Was James going to die? No. Was their house going to burn down? No. I just wanted to point out this section, because I really respect the irony.
But Lily had had a strange foreboding, one only mothers could have. I love this sentence too just because of the way itís worded and what it means.
There is a small part where Lily closes the curtains so that nobody can see inside. I guess I just want to point out that because of the Fidelius charm, no one would be able to see inside in the first place.
There are a couple of places where there are semi colons not quite used correctly.
Strength to protect Harry ; to save Harry. Iíd simply put a dash where the semi colon is.
I loved how you tied in the dialogue we already know happens in; it was very natural. The entire story seemed very natural. I look forward to reading more stories by you, Periwinkle.
Author's Response: Thank you darling -- I was so happy to see your review! Youngest member..heehee. I'm probably the youngest member of the forums, at any rate. I'll go check those suggestions, thank you so much for pointing them out, it helps tons.*huggles too*
I felt bad because I didn't think my last review was good enough, and I think you deserve better.This time I looked through your story with my beta instincts and I can proudly say that I couldn't find anything wrong with it. I think you did a good job of keeping things by the book (how Harry hears them when Dementors are near). As I said before, I like how you portrayed Lily's emotions in the last to paragraphs. That was by far my most favorite part, that and Lily and James' last kiss, because when you said, "She kissed him brutally, forcefully, with so much ardor and desire, as if it was their last kiss," I was like, "Uh, oh. This IS going to be their last kiss." It was a bit heartbreaking, because Lily and James obviously loved each other a lot, and to see that all wash away because of Voldemort is maddening. As I said before, and I will say it a million times, good job!
Author's Response: Thank you so much -- and don't ever think that no review is good enough. We authors take all reviews to heart, even the short ones. I'm very glad you enjoyed it. Thank you again for being so kind!
Didn't Rowling say that Harry was in his cot when his parents were killed, and that's why he couldn't see thestrals until he saw Cedric die?
Author's Response: If she did, I didn't hear it. The Lexicon isn't available at the moment, because I was going to show you something that would justify this fic. Once the Lexicon is functioning, I will edit this and wholly reply. Thank you for your comment.
Author's Response: Aww, thank you dear! I'm glad you enjoyed!
Anna, that was really lovely! I was really in suspense the whole time! You did that magnificently, building the suspension and making the reader not know what will happen next. You really had me on edge, especially when James wasn't home.
I get that same feeling, you know? When you just know something bad will happen. In the pit of your stomache you can feel it; you can't sit still and you can't concentrate on anything but the horror that's lodged in your gut. You portrayed Lily perfectly in this aspect; so close to the edge with every little thing knocking her off balance. Always glancing over to Harry to make sure he was okay and not allowing her to do anything but focus. I loved how she felt unsafe with James not being home because I could completely relate to that feeling. I know just how it is not to have someone with you when you are scared out of your mind and need them. It was perfect how you did that. *loves*
You had a few errors here and there, but nothing big. You go a little comma crazy sometimes (but don't worry, I still do this a lot, too). You have commas after almost all of your 'and's'. I used to do the same thing. It's kind of like a natural break, but it occasionally disrupts the flow of the sentence. So you don't always need a comma after an and. Also, 'brung' (used in the sentence, "Lily and James hadn't brung many of their belongings...") is not a word. It should be 'brought'. I think you switched the tense of a word somewhere, but I can't seem to find it.
I liked the last kiss between Lily and James, though I think it was a little too descriptive. If this was more of a romance story it would have been great (it was done very tastefully, so this really isn't about being too 'innapropriate), but I felt that it was a little out of place and kind of disrupted the suspense and dynamics of things. I think if you took out a little of the more intense description of the kiss it would still fit in the story and be just as meaningful.
Overall, I really liked it. I'm adding it to my favorites, actually! I really liked how it made me feel (emotion is very important to me as a reader) and I liked how I could relate to Lily (which is also very important to me). So great job! *adds to favorites*
Author's Response: Thank you so much Rachel! I just woke up and found your review and I was so happy! I'll take your suggestions to mind - I always felt wierd about the kiss - something didn't feel right and I couldn't figure it out. Thanks for pointing that out. Brung? Oh dear. I"ve had a problem with commas two months ago, but I fixed it now. Thank you for your wonderful crit! =)
That was great! I loved the second to last paragraph, and how Lily realized she wouldn't ever see Harry smile again, or hear his first sentence. I must've taken a lot of courage for Lily to stand and face Voldemort. You can kinda see why she was in Gryffindor now!
Author's Response: Thanks
How sad! :( I really liked this one. I've never really thought about what was happening right before it all ended for Lily and James....Awesome job!
Author's Response: Thanks. And thank you for adding this fic to your faves. It means a lot to me that there are actually people out there that like my stories. As an author, you can never really tell. Thanks tons! ;)
*Jealous* Geez you're amazing, Anna! I swear, if we ever wrote a book, we'd make millions ;-) Haha. No but really, I almost cried in History while reading. You saw. :'( Waaaa! You're such an amazing author!
Author's Response: Thanks Hayli, I'm really glad you liked it. Thank you!
I have to say Anna, it is definitely hard to believe you are only thirteen. You write really well and show immense potential. You're very good already and I know that you'll only get better and better. I look forward to seeing you improve even more. You're writing much better than I did when I first started and I was fourteen then...kudos to you!
I'm going to attempt to write this review as orderly as I can by going through your fic methodically. Now, who's to know whether it will turn out organized rather than the usual jumble of my random thoughts, but...eh. Here I go. First off, I like how you started the fic with Lily nervously waiting for James to return and reflecting on everything. I think it works well that James is gone because it only heightens Lily's anxiousness. The fact that she's scared and unsure is really conveyed nicely. I like that Lily is doubting that they are safe because it foreshadows everything (even if we do already know the end). There was one sentence that caught my eye, though: No one would suspect that someone as quiet and dull like Peter would be assigned the role of Secret Keeper. I like that Peter is 'quiet,' but I don't like that Peter is 'dull.' I feel like it's undermining his character, which I suppose Lily might have done, except that then you say she realized the chances of things going wrong are slim. So it seems like Lily is contradicting herself. First Peter is dull and then he's not going to mess up. I would replace dull with something more akin to quiet. '...someone as quiet and subdued as Peter,' maybe.
It is eerily interesting that Lily, the very night of her murder, questions her family's safety. That she tells herself she's going to ask James to call Dumbledore. But then James comes home and she forgets her worries. It's what love will do, I guess. James tells her it's going to be ok and she believes him, despite his own obvious reservations. I liked this line about James: No, James hadn't changed at all.I liked it because it's almost contradictory to canon, but contradictory in that correct way, if that makes any sense. We know that James did indeed change from his arrogant, ego-centric self into a more mature man because Lily gave him a chance. But by saying that James hadn't changed at all kind of shows that Lily had loved him all along. The old James was who she loved. Perfect.
And now I'm backtracking...ah well. The light outside the window was wonderful. Some more foreshadowing, this time a bit more obvious. But Lily chooses to ignore it and not tell James, which just proves once again that she feels almost too secure with him. Sweet, but dangerous. And the part about 'as if it were their last kiss' was so sad. It makes my heart all sad, but really captures the mood perfectly.
I would have liked to see a reaction from Lily that James had died. You don't really mention the exact moment Lily realizes he's been killed. I would liked that moment to be there. But I loved how everything suddenly became clear. The fact that she is truly driven by her love for her family is portrayed perfectly. And the part about never being able to hear Harry laugh or see his eyes sparkle was heart wrenching. Just makes me wish even more that James and Lily were alive.
All right, I'm done...*looks up at review* Well, I do have a tendency to ramble...so to wrap this up, this was wonderful. You show a real talent for writing. Your word choice is perfect. All the right verbs and adjectives to convey the meaning of a sentence. Excellent work!
Author's Response: Thank you for the very observant review. I'm glad that you rambled. It helped me understand the weak/strong points of my fic. I will reread it and take your suggestions to thought...I'm flattered that you liked it, and I'm glad it had the right effect. Thanks tons!
Wow! Ok... I'm tired, so this won't be long. just a quick word to say that I really enjoyed it. This was a perfect chain of events that could easily be Canon. I also love Lily's last emotion. Simialr to Harry I thought, in the GOF film, although on a smaller scale... when he is facing Voldemort and is terrified, yet suddenly finds courage and becomes angry and proud... I thought that Lily suddenly found courage in the face of death; a good way to explain the protection that she left for Harry. All in all... job well done!
Author's Response: Thank you very much for your kind review! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks!