Write another one!!!!!!
I'd love to read more, but I also think this is a fantastic one off piece.
this is so sad. good job though
Author's Response: gratzi!
this is so sad. good job though
Bloody brilliant story!!! Everything was perfect! I REALLY loved this one! I really, really love stories about Malfoy, but I'm especially in love with this one! I really hope you write more! I don't have any ideas (sorry, i'm not being very helpful...) but if i think of something good, i'll email you or something! :D Great story, and i'll give you an 11/10!!!!!!
Author's Response: thanks.
Wether you decide to continue it or not, it was still a very good and emotional storry.
Author's Response: Gracias.
Argh. It is scary how much our stories have in common and this is the first time I've read yours! Even down to the numbers - in Serpent, Malfoy is M752.
Anyway, back to your fic. I really enjoyed this and would be interested in reading more if you decide to continue it. The first paragraph drew me in straight away. The repetition of 'lost everything' and the calculated days emphasise how long he has been in there and how much he regrets it.
The short sentences at the beginning of the flashback to a great job of conveying his shock, as he is incapable of anything else. Your description in the next paragraph is wondeful, and creates a very strong image of the wreckage of Malfoy Manor. The only tiny change I can suggest is changing the adjective 'busted'. It's very informal and a bit American, it doesn't really fit in with the sombre mood you have built up. I love the use of different time spans to once again emphasise how long he feels he has been in prison.
Your introduction to Snape was good, and showed Draco's perception of his character.
I think you did a wonderful job capturing Draco's anguish at his loss in this chapter. But why was Narcissa killed while Lucius escaped apparantly unscathed? And if Lucius did kill her, as Draco seems to think, why did he? He is depicted in your story as being indifferent to his family, but I think you maight need to be a bit more in-depth on his character.
Tiny nitpicks: it should be 'a smoke-covered foot', with a hyphen, and you forgot to capitlaise or anti-italic (does that make sense?) 'him' in the line '..caused him to decide to punish me even further than what my own heart was causing me.' 'Meager', a few paragraphs below, is actually spelt 'meagre' in the UK. These are only tiny mistakes though.
Snape is a little out of character. He's just that bit too compassionate and caring. He is rarely seen in canon to display emotion, but you have him show pity clearly and even his words by Narcissa's grave are a bit too much for his character.
Draco's burial of his mother is very touching, and I love the line 'I could feel my throat close up from the effort of restraining tears', as I know the feeling.
The interview with Voldemort and Lucius was good, but why was Voldemort relaxed? It seemed a bit out of place for me at the time. Also, I would add in a bit more description rather than simply 'Then I blacked out.', as it is an important event in the story.
The next part is very well written. I love the lines 'I do not live, for I am not alive. I do not die, for I am not dead. I simply am.. The repetition of his number is great too, it drives home how inhumanly he is being treated. Draco's excitement over the change of food evokes a lot of pity for him.
Ron is a bit too friendly with Draco. I understand that he's desperate for company, but Ron holds grudges and I can 't see him letting them go that easily. Oh, and 'barfs' is another Americanism; 'vomits' might be better. Still, his urgent need for comapny after months of loneliness comes through strongly at his repeated efforts to engage Draco in conversation.
The next part is a little confusing, and I think you should continue this fic if only to explain it. How did they get into the prison? Are they actually Death Eatersand if so, why, or are they disguised? In that case, how did they get in undetected, and as Voldemort has apparebtly won why aren't Harry and co. dead?
I found Draco's admission of love for Hermione a bit out of character (I know, and myself a Dramione shipper and all!). The 'I have always loved you'ploy for getting them together is cliched and unworthy of your writing skills. Other than that, I wouldn't have him call Ginny the 'Weaselette'; it seems to flippant for his depressed state of mind.
The ending was very good. For him, it is completion as he now knows his name. Overall, I thought this was a great fic, well written and with a potentially good plot. I look forward to potential future instalments with hopeful pleasure.
Author's Response: Thanks for the awesome review. I will consider some of your suggestions, and work on my Americanism and Dramoineness. *sighs inwardly* thanks anyway.
K deal and I hope u come up with some new ideas soon
Author's Response: all righty then. i'm thinking...
write another chapter
Author's Response: Sorry, but I am totally out of ideas. I'm working hard on thinking of some though. If you really want to help me out, then send me an email telling me what YOU want to happen in the story. Who knows? I might use your ideas.
I think you hould write another charter cause i wana know what happens
Author's Response: Well...if you promise to review it again...I will write another chapter. Deal?
okay, sorry! but zeeloozi, that was waay out of line. if you're going to diss me, then do it by pm or email. alright- i just went and reread the story. now, i like your sentences that go, i do not live, i do not die, etc. howerever, that weevil paragraph is kind of out of place...........but i've already said that
Author's Response: That weevil bread paragraph isn't going nowhere! stop reviewing my story. You email whats her face. okay? If ur gonna clog up my review box, at least give me tens!
Hmmn...this one is a lot better than a Path Reforged. Much easier to understand, and very original. I don't think anybody has written a story on this site that is Dark/Angsty, and is about Malfoy in a prison. I, unlike crazyfish, understood why he couldn't remember his own name even before you said it. I guess good stories like this are too complex for those who just write a copy of other people's works. Yes, you need to broaden the character of Fred, Ron, and Snape. Ron...it is simply a matter of just, um...making him more Ronish. I know, I know, its been seven years. but let us know in words that the characters have changed. And, make Snape more than a hollow shell that stands in the background with no lines. Please. I cannot decide between a nine or a ten, but I know that you will enrich the characters if I give you a ten. Get the next chapter up as soon as possible.
Author's Response: This is a real morale booster for crazyfish. Thanx. Yes, the mods told me to enrich the characters too. My beta is currently helping me out on that prob. And, I really appreciate that rare ten.
good story capricorn. i like the little inserts of his random thoughts (or not so random). some of the characterization was off, and i thought it strange that he remembered all this stuff but not his name, which ron called him like, 5 times. other than that, turn it into a series!
Author's Response: well, if you actually READ the story, instead of just basing it off the copy I sent YOU, you'd realize that his father gives him a memory charm that prevents him from remembering his own name.