MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Marauders_honor (Signed) · Date: 11/01/07 18:53 · For: Challenge # 5
omg tht was so good. i think it was one of the few fics that capture the magnituid of sirius being in griffyndor.

Name: x_lily_evans_x (Signed) · Date: 09/07/07 0:20 · For: Challenge # 5
Awww, that's so... what's the word? Well, I can't find the word now, so heartwarming will have to do. It's just so cute, and I loved the way you characterised Sirius Black (:

Name: allura mystique (Signed) · Date: 03/15/07 15:34 · For: Challenge # 5
I love your story! It is so cute! I really love how you showed that different side of Sirius Black and how he had to change to belong! You really kept everyone in character! Once again, great!

Author's Response: Thanks. Always did think that his becoming a true Gryffindor was not instantaneous (although the potential was always there). ^_^

Name: Marauder by Midnight (Signed) · Date: 07/21/06 16:40 · For: Challenge # 5
I'm a bit more used to seeing the verb "sort" capitalized, but it can go either way ;) "House," however, should be capitalized.

The Sorting Hat's song was a very creative way to keep the theme throughout the entire story. Very delightful! Nice poetry!

It's refreshing to see James and Sirius weren't friends from the moment they laid eyes on each other. I also liked how you evenly spaced his meetings with the rest of the soon-to-form Marauders.

I thoroughly enjoyed you mixing in your humour very smoothly into this almost-Sirius (sorry I couldn't help myself) story.

The power and the pride of the Gryffindors truly shone in this story! Well done Miel!


Author's Response: Beth! Miss you! :)

*laugh* Oops ... I'll remember to capitalise 'House' the next time.

*giggle* Not to worry, I'm one of those rare people who never gets tired of that overly-used serious/Sirius puns.

Name: G_A_Potter (Signed) · Date: 07/07/06 3:47 · For: Challenge # 5
Nicely done. I found the fact that the Sorting Hat was aware of the rumours and people outside of the school intriguing. The poetic, running commentary was a nice touch.

Author's Response: I think that to sort people, maybe it ought to know a lot more than it lets on. :)

Name: hogwartswannabe (Signed) · Date: 07/07/06 0:02 · For: Challenge # 5
that was so good!! i've always wondered how sirius felt about being sorted into gryffindor, and that was a really creative way of explaining it!!

Author's Response: Thank you. I didn't think it'll be normal for him to be happy about it given he was the eldest son of the Black family and was expected to follow the age honoured tradition of going to Slytherins.

Name: FeatherTrader (Signed) · Date: 06/21/06 14:13 · For: Challenge # 5
Wow. I like how you worked the verses in, it added a nice break between the scenes and added a lot of meaning.

Also, I liked how you didn't have Sirius immediatly opening up to the Gryffindors or James desperate to become his friend. I can see Sirius continue to prank the Gryffindors and Slythersin, simply because he's mad at both houses.

My favourite part was the beginging that had the dialogue between the Sorting Hat and McGonagol. Although, I did like how you ended it with one of the verses. Very nice.

Author's Response: Thank you. I originally just wrote the poem and was going to submit it in the poetry section, but thought it works better as a story. Something like a song-fic but using my own poem instead of a song.

Name: Mistletoe (Signed) · Date: 06/13/06 15:51 · For: Challenge # 5
Wow! This is so amazing-- really. I've never seen anything like it, and you developed everything quite well. And I also like how you added the verses? Song? Whatever it is-- kudos for creativity!

Author's Response: Thank you. ^_^ Great to hear that the adding for those verses helped to improve this story.

Name: StellaSirius (Signed) · Date: 06/06/06 11:48 · For: Challenge # 5
Yay! So beautiful. I always thought that Sirius wasn't a true rebel from the start. I loved this story and the way that you put it. You're such an amazing writer!

Author's Response: Thank you. I always did picture Sirius to be sort-of Draco-like only with more guts and backbone; at least during that time when he started Hogwarts - mostly because they were both probably spoilt rotten and fed the same pure blooded fantical beliefs.

Name: nenya (Anonymous) · Date: 05/16/06 16:05 · For: Challenge # 5
I really enjoyed this, firstly I loved the characterisation for Sirius Black - you have made him arrogant and you have captured the fact that Sirius would have been brought up with certain values and he would have believed them.

I also like what we see of James Potter. Firstly enjoying putting Sirius in his place, then feeling a bit guilty that Sirius may have gone to go and get eaten.

I also enjoyed the way you portrayed Slughorn - desprate to get this boy into his house no matter what. It is certianly reminsiant of what Slughorn says in HBP about wanting Sirius in his house.

Overall, I think it was a well written story, that captured the characters very well. It was an easy, but very enjoyable read.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. :) I think that despite the hat seeing that he's a true Gryffindor; those Gryffindor qualities wouldn't instantaneously be evident given that he's been raised with different values - and it wouldn't be James et al who'd change him (Sirius would probably be too strong-willed for that). Thus those qualities are in there - it just needs to be spurred a bit. Glad know that you enjoyed this one.

Name: I_LOVE_DRACO_287 (Signed) · Date: 05/10/06 2:17 · For: Challenge # 5
That was wonderful! I couldn't stop reading it! You are a great author, you know that? My story wasn't published yet, because I had some errors. I'm also supposed to switch it to General from Alternate Universe. Thanks for putting in this great story!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review and good luck with your story. If you're encountering problems and it's a one-shot story. I can beta it for you.

Name: Avenger_of_Dumbldore (Signed) · Date: 04/24/06 18:03 · For: Challenge # 5
Hey nutty. Great job. I always pictured the Sirius did not like being a black, and did not want to be in Slythirin, btu I think that, as a young boy, he would have done what his parents wanted. If ound a few mistakes though:

"Horace Slughorn entered the Headmaster's office, he walked past the phoenix and nearly toppled over a a stand that held a large telescope. “Albus, I heard that Orion Black is working to get the Board of Governors to allow his son to transfer house…” Their are 2 A's. I think you only need one.

“Like I care if I lose this stupid house some stupid house points!” he voice shook as he stepped out the room."- I I think you mena "out of THE room"

"Sirius, the Board of Governors has decreed that you be allowed to be placed in Slytherin.” The Heqadmaster smiled warmly at Sirius. “Do you wish to change house?”"- I think you mean heaDmaster

Besides that, great job!

Author's Response: Thanks AOD ... I'll go correct those :)

Name: The Half Blood Prince (Signed) · Date: 04/02/06 1:34 · For: Challenge # 5
The idea, the concept of this story draws me in immediately. It’s interesting, and it has such a potential for deepness. You managed to fulfil that potential, too. Which was the reason for why I managed to read it all in one go. While it is the characterisation, plot and theme that draw me in the most, you have quite a few gems of dialogue, humour and description. I happen to be in love with this piece of dialogue: “On the contrary, that’s my book bag over there.” The other boy pointed to the worn satchel that Sirius hadn’t noticed earlier. “This is a good place to read and just think. Got a great view of the lake as well. I think I saw the Giant Squid come out a while ago.” I can envisage Remus right in front of me, talking in that eloquent way of speaking that we’re so used to. There is such tenderness in your word choice, such a beautiful structure that it completely knocks me off. Perfectly in-character of Remus! And I like the changes and additions in the scene with Albus and Horace. It got flesh upon its bone, in a way. Before I didn’t realise if it was in Horace’s office or in Dumbledore’s, or how the rooms looked compared to now, and I, the reader, know that now by very well done description. The best thing is that the description doesn’t stop the movement of the scene—the character is still in motion as before—but gives it depth and clarity, instead. “… Did you hear that Howler this morning? He’s a misfit even in his own family.” I like how you used The Howler as a set up event to this scene. James can use precise accusations that stings harder on Sirius than it would if he hadn’t got that one as an example. A very clever set up you had with The Howler! I also like Sirius response to it, where you’ve added a piece of lyrical tool. The image I got of his mouth was, indeed, hilarious—it seems as if he’s just been hammered on his head. “He flung the portrait door open with such a force that the Fat Lady screamed her protests.” Nothing to comment here beside that I like the new addition you inserted. It’s these little things that add substance and shows us how angry a person can be without telling it. As for characterisation, I love your picture of Sirius. The fact that many things of him as a decent person from the moment he comes to Hogwarts, is beyond my beliefs. He couldn’t possibly be such a warm person with that childhood—something had to trigger his world view at school, his inner value. That would make him change. But while at home, I don’t believe he would even think of another world view than what his parents taught him. (It’s weird to contemplate how much influences matter.) So, I’m highly impressed by how you made those events open his eyes and see that the real world was nothing like how he had believed it to be. It’s a hard thing to do, and you managed it brilliantly. Polishes: I believe “He wondered if he ought and try to have a bit more fun. …” should be “He wondered if he should try to have a bit more fun.” I also think that Sirius would say something more secure than “a bit…”—he’s a very confident person. Perhaps just cutting “a bit” out, completely? “Sirius felt a shadow from behind him.” Here you don’t need the word “him”—it distracts the rhythm of the sentence and is a surplus to it (the sentence), too. “Sirius felt a shadow from behind” reads a bit more intense. In this sentence—“Beside James was a smaller boy whose name Sirius did not care to remember, laughed”—the “was” ought to be omitted for the sentence to make sense. Although, it’s my fault, that one. “There was silence in the hall as all eyes turned to their direction.” The cursived word is the addition to the sentence. This may only be my own preference, but I would replace ’all’ with ‘everybody’ in this sentence: “All turned and saw a short man who was the Head of Ravenclaw glaring at the handsome dark-haired boy.” A very nit-picky thing, but “A stupid hat was merely getting senile” should be “The stupid hat …” because he’s thinking about a specific hat. And this sentence, “The hat has never been wrong. .”, needs three ellipses, like this: “The hat has never been wrong …” Or, it should only have one period. That’s your choice. The comma in this sentence should be replaced by an em-dash or a semi-colon because you can’t adjoin two independent clauses with a comma. “Sirius smiled inwardly,(;) he just got his second chance to have a bit of fun at Amos Diggory's expense.” This sentence—“Things had gotten even better for Sirius as Narcissa and the rest of his former friends arrived into the Great Hall, their faces all green and scaly”—should have “gotten” replaced by “got. In England we use “got” in both of the past tenses. I think I mentioned that … ¨~¨ Shouldn’t “My father smiled” be “His father smiled”? Or “Sirius’ father smiled?” This sentence (“You dolts can cancel this stupid party of yours. I’m staying.”) isn’t wrong, but I would suggest to replace the period after “yours” with an em-dash because I’m staying is highly related to the above sentence, and somehow it seems as if the brake after the period is too long. I’d suggest two things with this sentence: “He smiled, he knew that from this moment on, things had changed.” Firstly, there should either be a period or a semicolon after “he smiled”. My other point is that in two sentences above, you’ve got “Sirius knew” and it seems a bit repetitive when you’ve nearly got the same structure in the next sentence. I’d suggest you to change it to something like this: He smiled; he realised that from this moment on, things had changed.” The rest of the ending is just perfect. Poignant, strong and straight to the point. Actually, I think you summed up the whole idea with this story—to change Sirius to the better. Beside those small points, it’s a nearly flawless story. Well paced, good characterisations (especially of Sirius and Remus), a deep plot, and lastly but perhaps most importantly, the theme of your story shone out and was made clear to the reader in the ending of the story. The ending often makes or breaks a story, and I think yours made one, because you so neatly tied the theme into a few sentences. There could perhaps be a bit more description in places, but that’s merely a matter of taste—someone likes much, others like wants a bit less of it. All in all, a highly ensnaring story that gripped me from start to finish. There was action, conflict and inner turmoil, not to mention that beautiful character-arc you did with Sirius (which is far from easy to do properly)—it had, in fact, all the ingredients for a well-written one-shot. A very good job, Miel!

Author's Response: Thanks James! I've fix those errors. Thanks again for betaing this and those suggestions of yours did help improve this fic overall :) The edited version is a far improvement for the previous version thanks to your suggestions and Starmaiden's as well :)

Great to hear the I did Remus right in this story as well ^_^ Thanks again for your help and review - I really appreciate that.

Name: Starmaiden (Signed) · Date: 03/31/06 22:10 · For: Challenge # 5
First, I like your idea of the Sorting Hat having a personality and a real voice aside of the Sorting ceremony, and that it knows the teachers.

Nice picture of Sirius, the quintessential Black. To start with.

Dark eyebrows raised as he observed how nervous the older boy was in the presence of his cousin. It did not take him long to discern that his current nemesis liked Andromeda.

Your use of pronouns gets slightly confusing here because it comes right after Amos speaking. It might be better to start this with “Sirius raised dark eyebrows” or something like that. You might also want to clear up the “liked Andromeda,” simply because “had a crush on” is clearer.

It wasn’t as if he would need them to like him. After all, they weren’t the right sort of people for a Black to be on friendly terms with.

Very nice. A lot of people have Sirius as a Gryffindor from the moment he steps onto the train – which could happen, but I think this is more accurate. I think he was arrogant when he came, and arrogant when he left; the only change is the direction.

Sirius Black turned around and sneered at James Potter. I like this transition. The problem is that Sirius BLACK has just been sorted. I can see how Lily EVANS would have just sat down, but how does it jump so that James POTTER is there right away as well? This isn’t a huge issue, but if you could manage to fix it while holding the flow, that would be a step up.

“Ah, yes.” Filius Flitwick smiled. “That parable about the oak and the bamboo … The strong winds fell the oak, but…” The Charms Professor received numerous glares from the members of the Board and Sirius’ father, thus he discreetly chose to stop talking. Ha! I like it.

Now, your poetry. The words are fine; the meter is a bit shaky. Poetry is often harder to write than prose because if you do choose to rhyme it, and especially if it’s long, it’s hard to keep finding real rhymes and to keep the meter. I’m sure you’re aware that a couple of them have lines that have to be spoken rather quickly to make them work. For instance, this one:

In adversity the fire ignites, a call from his heart which he could not fight. Needed was a shared cause to draw him in, The lion will awaken from within.

This pattern is slightly unstable and doesn’t feel right. Sometimes you can eliminate words or alter the structure to fix it:

“In adversity the fire ignites, A call from his heart he could not fight. Needed, a cause to draw him in: The lion will awaken from within.”

I liked this one better:

Thus end the question of where he belong, and the Sorting Hat had never been wrong. Barriers broken and eyes will be opened, Old prejudice and beliefs unproven.

It finished with not a rhyme, but a strong statement. That’s all it needs. Sometimes poetry is more powerful when it doesn’t have rhyme or meter.

I enjoyed this story. Sirius was an arrogant berk in fifth year; of course he was an obstinate brat in first! Oh, and I like the title :-D

Author's Response: Thanks I will fix all those :)

Well if Sirius is a Gryffindor from the start then his parents would hate him. I just think given his confidence and arrogance - he must have been loved and spoilt rotten during those childhood forming years (else he's be insecure or nicer like Harry or Neville)

On those poetry. I'm using 10 syllable quatrains thus those extra words. I'll see if I can change those wording but keep to the meter. :)

*lol* One of the main reasons why I like Sirius - he's one extremely flawed character. To his friends he's a good guy and his heart is in the right place, but if you weren't a friend of his, you'd clearly see that he's a bit of a jerk.

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