This is a fantastic story. I simply love it. The first paragraph just sucks the reader in, and makes the reader want more. I like how you used more poetic and descriptive ways of showing what was going on and what had happened than just saying it straight out. I also like how you only reffered to Ron and Luna is "he" and "she" and never said their names. Yet we still know who they are, from the freckles Luna talked about to the wat Luna was described. The only slightly negative comment I have is that there are one or two comma misplacements, but that truly is something minor. This is a wonderful story, truly a treasure. Great job!
A story this good, Jenna, deserves more reviews. I don’t know if I can do this tale credit with my review – in fact, I know I can’t – but I’m going to try.
I loved the first three paragraphs; they illustrate so clearly what Ron’s friends meant to him, and also how lost he is without them. I like the second paragraph especially – what excellent imagery! (Note: nitpick in this paragraph later on.) You do a great job with letting us see and feel how lost and apathetic Ron is. I was shocked, actually, that his grief was so acute. I suppose at this point it didn’t matter to him whether or not he died at this point, forsaken as he was.
Luna was perfect. The way you introduced her was just amazing. My favorite line about her was Secrets you’ll never learn because even if someone told you, you’d never believe. Because isn’t that just what Luna’s about, in general? But the thing I like best about this line is that it makes Luna more than just a loon. She holds wisdom so deep that you can never fully understand her, and in this story we begin to scratch the surface of her depth.
You can tell Ron doesn’t understand her at the beginning when he’s preparing himself for another theory worthy of a tabloid magazine. (Love that line, by the way.) But she surprises him, doesn’t she? And it’s just like her to know what she’s not supposed to. But “her eyes are wide, and she sees everything.” (By the way, another one of my favorites: truth where there is none, possibilites that others have overlooked. Because it’s really good, mainly. Good Luna characterization and all.)
Luna counts his freckles. She counts the stars, too. And what does she do with the stars but wish for his freckles? I love Luna. Her roundabout, slightly ... eccentric way of getting to where she’s headed – telling Ron to start living again – is uplifting and heartwarming to read. You made her craziness so romantic (not to copy Pat’s review or anything). I love Luna, and I especially love the Luna you wrote.
“Would you rather have never known them than to have loved them and lost them?” Ron was expecting something along those lines. He’s thought about this before, I could tell, because he was expecting it. His refusal to think, to remember, is enough of an answer, I believe.
*sigh* I just really like this story. I don’t know how much more I can say without feeling obligated to go through every sentence since I’ve already done the rest, so maybe I should just stop here and get on with my nitpicks. ;)
Nitpick #1: Second paragraph, second sentence. “He only knows it’s still moving...”
Nitpick #2: Seventh paragraph from the end, third sentence. “...and he cries and he feels he’d rather burn in Hell than feel this pain....”
Nitpick #3: Fifth paragraph from the end, first sentence. “...and she’s still smiling that sad, smile.” Yeah, that comma? I would delete it if I were you. But, ‘tis your choice, the story is not at all diminished by these little details, it’s just because I turned on the typo catcher and combed your story that I found them at all.
I think maybe this is one of my favorite stories. It is very poignant and sweet. *sigh* I told myself I wouldn’t talk any more about it, so I’ll stop, but I love it anyway. Have a nice day, dear.
First off, I'd like to go ahead and say that I died a billion times over when I found out you had written Ron/Luna. It was like... bliss. Bliss upon bliss. Bliss times a billion [Well, you get what I mean ;)]. And then, I read it for the first time... and I read it again, and again, and again, and I freaked because it was too perfect. You know characters and can show a story by a few words... I couldn't soak all of it in at first glance. Oh no, there was no way I could do that. I had to read it the day after that, and the day after that, and so on until I've read it nearly a million times. And it's a shame that there isn't more reviews. I'll plug it to every person I know, mmmkay?
Now, when trying to decide what kind of review I wanted to leave, I knew I wanted to leave you with one impression that I got: You write relationships very well. You mand Luna's crazy ideas seem romantic... no, you made them romantic. You understood the dynamics of the relationship, and understood how to make it happen. And it was like bliss [Man, I sound like a broken record, don't I? I'll try not to repeat myself anymore]. So, now that I told you the main point that I wanted to get across, I'll go ahead and analyze the fic from start to finish. Yes, this shall be a long review. No, I'm not crazy. Yes, you're worth it. ;)
Okay, so I'll be starting with the first paragraph [Duh. Why'd I even say that? To babble? Egh. Sorry, I'll try to stay away from my babbly when I can help it...]. When I read the first few words, I felt sucked into his world, and I knew I was going to fall in love with that first sentence after I read it over and over again. Something about "They say" grabbed me in such a way that I didn't want to be disturbed, I just wanted to soak in the emotions that would come... and... they did. Angsty ones. When I read "He used to watch...and his friends laughing and smiling and he could see the world turning.", I knew that I was going to get my portion of angst of the day. I couldn't help it -- I started giggling.
After the part that seemed so happy/sad at the same time, you hit the audience with a shocking reality -- that Ron doesn't seem to see life pass by anymore, he justs looks without paying attention, and so the audience [being I] assumes that something happened to Ron to make his view of life become altered the way it has been. I love this paragraph, because it says so much with saying so little -- in your case, one word can mean a thousand pictures, and that's just an exciting thing to read.
The third paragraph showers the audience with one wonderful sentence that explains all of the questions that we have previously asked: "The people who made the sun rise, who made the clouds move, who made life worth waking up for, they’ve been stolen.". And, being filled with such poetic language and loving every second of it, I take a moment to reflect and ask more questions that you answer within the next few sentences. We see that these people that made the sun rise are gone, and because of that, Ron doesn't see the point in living anymore. The descriptions here are key -- they make you realize how much Ron is in need of a savior.
But, as I travel down the road, I see that you make me take a new path -- one talking about an angel, how this one girl -- who to you, the audience, and Ron, is an angel -- who is she? The audience certainly wants to know, and although I do, it's always wonderful to see the discovery of who Ron's savior is. This paragraph changes the direction so, but it flows directly into the next paragraph without a hitch, and the writing here is wonderful. I love this angel, whoever she may be."She appears vague and fleeting and evanescent. A spirit not made for this world." Oh my God. This line may be one of my many favourite lines in this story... I loved it. Words cannot express how much this line appeals to the audience... it's excellence. A true writer wrote this, I do believe.
Continuing with the same paragraph, you describe this angel -- who is Luna. Which you knew. ;) The descriptions, instead of making her sound like "Loony Luna", make her more powerful, caring, beautiful, the belle of the ball. But this certainly isn't a ball the belle is attending. You also describe Luna in such a way that makes her seem normal -- yes, it just might be that Luna's wide eyes serve a purpose. Maybe, just maybe, Luna isn't crazy, she's just looking at possibilites that most ignore. You give her purpose, and it is a wonderful purpose indeed.
And then, without warning, Luna asks and tells Ron why he has freckles. The audience, still mildly pleased, notes that this is Luna, and give it a passing grade. But the audience, after reading through the rest of this story, notices that this is much more than what most think of Luna -- this is Luna comforting, this is Luna showing her admiration and love for this person who is in the deepest pits of despair. She knows Ron, she knows what he has been through, his triumph for being loyal. She is proving that she is there for him. That she'll love him, no matter what trouble comes.
You have such a poetic language when you write something as close and intimate as this... for instance: "He looks at her, searching her ethereal eyes, and tries to understand how she knows things she’s not supposed to." You could have easily said that Luna has wisdom beyond her years, but no; you take a more poetic, wonderful way through, teaching us about Luna and her ways. You teach us that Ron is beginning to feel again when he realizes that he doesn't think Luna's words are ridiculous anymore. And he's comforted by her words, probably much more than he would have been with a few hugs and solemn condolences. No, Luna brightened him, just a bit, a tiny bit, and that's more than he could ask for. Dear, this is why I love you. That little bit is why you can characterize so well. You are one of a very few people I know who can actually delve into a character and pull back what and who they are. There is one word for it: brilliance.
Now, before I go on, I'm just going to tell you why I'm doing my review in this fashion.What I am doing is explaining what I, the audience, is seeing from what you have written. I could have just summed up this entire review in a few words: "OMG I LOVE YOU!", but I felt that as too easy. ;) I wanted to express my gratitude for the wonderful work that you have done here. I feel that, as an author, if my audience sees what I wanted them to see, or they see what I didn't, then I have done my job. If I see them thinking about what I've written, I'm absolutely giddy/giggly. I don't know if you're the same, but... I might as well try. :)
I don't think you know this, but I am absolutely the most fanboy-ish fanboy of stars. I want to just snuggle the word, it sounds so mystical and wonderful and... yeah. Too much babble. But anyway, "She drifts off, and he remembers those eyes that have seen so much. He turns to look at her, but she’s facing upwards. He watches her closely and sees she’s looking at the stars, counting them and making wishes." Is the best line. Because I like the stars so much, and it's so fitting. It just seems like Luna would watch the stars, don't you think? I do, and that makes this line uber characteristic of Luna. The audience raves about it. ;)
Then -- after Ron asks her what she could possibly be wishing for, after so many things have disappered, and there is no use in wishing -- she says one line that shows that she wants Ron, that she loves him, and she wants him to love her. "“It’s dark, and it’s cold,” she says softly. “But I want the light to shine. I want you to grow more freckles.”" This says so much about their relationship at this stage -- Luna wants what is best for Ron, she wants to see what he can achieve. It's beautiful.
Luna is wonderful, she can explain what so little of us can understand, and you find a perfect way to say that while fitting in the main them. No, it is not foolish to hope. It is just something we as individuals need to cope, to live, to breathe. Luna knows, and she is trying to teach Ron to do the same. It's a wonderful concept, and a brilliant one at that. Have I reminded you lately that you are absolutely brilliant? No? Well, my apologies: You are brilliant. Now, onwards!
“Would you rather have never known them than to have loved them and lost them?” This gets to me, it's so brilliant, but my only nitpick -- and I hate myself for noticing this, but -- is that Ron's expecting these words. Why is he expecting them? I don't get it, but maybe it went over my head. Yeah, that's it. Never mind. :) I so wish I had the wisdom of Luna. You know how to characterize, which I've already said. It's so refreshing to read something like this every once in a while, ya know?
And then the ending made me cry. Horribly. But that's a good thing. :) “The wind is the voices of the spirits, telling you they’re okay, and they love you, too.” That line, especially, made me bawl. It was just... right, for some reason.
You have made me eternally grateful for this wonderful story that you written -- I feel honoured that you put my name in the summary. I am full of gratitude, and you leave me feeling full. *hugs*
I'm afraid that I am simply here to offer a review, not Jason Issacs or a translation of this story into a foreign language. Hopefully my humble review will suffice.
You know full well that I think you're a wonderful writer. Even when you are most dissatisfied with yourself, your diction flows across the page with grace. And this... of everything of yours I have read, this is the best. The story is as ethereal and poignant as its subject. My favorite line is heart-wrenching and gauzy, but at the same time incredibly simple: Some say angels have no true form.Another line in particular rings very true to me. So true it yanks me back in time almost seven years. A memory you try to hold onto, but never can; the details fade. Rosemary's face as she sat in the wheelchair. The last time I saw her. If I remember her eyes I cannot see her face. If I remember her hair I cannot see her skin. And if I remember her skin her face is featureless. I can remember her face whole as it was at other times, but not then. I have tried so hard to hang on to the last time I saw her, but if I remember the scene I cannot see her face. That line... captures it all. ::sniff::
I only have one nitpick (possibly because every time I try to read closely I get swept up in the story again). On the very last line, I don't think there should be a comma before "too." A very small detail, I know, and a debatable one at that. But the way I hear it, there shouldn't be a pause there. And the comma distracts me from the flow of the ending. Though grammatically, I think you can have it either way. And seriously, this one is just a matter of opinion.This story just blows me away. I've read it three times now. Or rather, I've read it more than once on three separate occasions. And I love it even more now than I did the first time. Dearest Jenna, thank you for sharing this story with me and everyone. It's strength and hope shine so brightly that it can bring light to the darkest of nights and the darkest of places.