A hard kick against the ground, and she was gone ó up, up until the leaves tickled her exposed arms. Her robes swirled behind her, flaming red hair whipped against her cheek, and the wind was raising her higher and higher. She was a kite, buoying along in the breeze ó then a bird, gliding, swerving, diving, only to shoot back up, no longer craving the solidity of earth beneath her feet.
What a beautiful opening paragraph! It just makes one itch to read the rest of the story...it promises of delicious descriptions to come.
I loved that you used "churned" instead of turned when Ginny's thoughts sere described. It added so much more!
And then there was her father. She was Daddyís Little Girl, used to the good-night kisses and bear hugs and hair ruffling. Hogwarts took that away from her. She would creep into bed when darkness fell, whispering good-night to him from a far away place, knowing that he would never hear it, and yet hoping, hoping with the kind of hope that only blesses children, that he heard in his heart.
This paragraph was simultaneiously fluffy and cute as well as angsty and heart-wrenching. I felt like I could relate so well...even though I've never been to boarding school. However, I was a daddy's girl right up until my father passed away. I guess that's probably why it struck such a chord with me. I love when something an author writes can leap off the page or screen and touch me.
The interaction was also great. This is why I love Ginny. She is just a great character, and you wrote her so perfectly well!
Author's Response: I didn't respond to this??? I swear I did. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me.
Thank you very much for such a heartfelt review! I'm extremely grateful for all the compliments on the description and the fact that my writing was able to be that three dimensional. I will treasure them forever. :)
And I'm glad that the time I spent tweaking that paragraph about Ginny and her dad payed off. ;)
Ooohhhhh Kal.... *breathes long and hard* This was nothing short of exceptional. Every line, every word was chosen to perfection; every paragraph held a treasure, every sentence something to ponder over. You are good, Miss Kal. You are really, really, really good.
Your strongest point (though it is hard to pick just one) is your perfection in characterization. Not just in the way Ginny thinks, though that is, as she would say, brilliantóbut also in the way she describes her siblings, her parents, Ron, Harry, Hermione. It's just all too good. And I also must commend you on your Brit-speak. Not one word out of place.
The flying... the reflection on Tom Riddle's possesion... the thoughts about her relationship with Ron, and later with Harry... it's just all so much GOOD. It's nearly impossible for me to find anything to critique. Usually, I would say that the extra space between paragraphs bothers meóbut in reality, it doesn't, because your paragraphs are long and the separation is actually a nice thing. However, I might make it just one space between the dialogue, if that makes sense.
*holds up palms* I'm sorry. I have nothing else to offer you. I just skimmed it over again, looking for somethingóanythingóthat would lead to Concrit, but I'm drawing up blank. Instead, I'm finding myself reading over favourite passages and smiling.
You've been keeping this exceptional talent of yours hidden, Miss Kal! I might have to go make an announcement in the BA about what an incredible little one-shot you have here ;)
But, really... I cannot wait to see more from you. You're an extraordinary girl, a talented designer, and now, I see that you are a gifted writer as well. You're going to go far, girl.
Author's Response: Oh,Haley! *smothers with huggles*
Thank you for such a profoundly squee-ish review! Your compliments completely blew me away; I am so amazed and honored that such a fantastic person as you could leave a review like this. I love it, and I shall treasure it forever.
Thanks most of all for the comment on characterization. I'm glad to see that goal of mine reached - it was, admittedly, the one I was most worried out. And the Brit-speak, well, I have no idea about that. I guess it helps to have parents educated in British English and to say "h" funnily.
I shall have to go check that formatting out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for such wonderful praise in your exquisite writing style! I wish I could say more but...SQUEEEE was the only response fit enough for my happiness. Inexpressable thanks again =)
Mucho love, Kal
*looks down at Preethi's super review* Well, I don't know if I can top that, but I'll do my best. ;-) So, to start...Kal! I didn't know your first fic on this site was up! *does happy validation dance* Right, reviewing...
This was wonderful. So well-written and amazing insight into Ginny's character. I think that, even though she may have seemed a bit mature, it was still great characterization. I don't know, the mature!Ginny didn't bother me. Maybe it's because I would probably do the same thing. And it could be because of the sophisticated way this is written (which is great, I'm not trying to put that down), but if it wasn't written this way, it wouldn't be as good, I don't think. So, what I'm trying to say, is the elevated language made up for the more mature Ginny because otherwise this wouldn't be good. Get all that?
I loved your descriptions of flying. I mean, I've never flown on a broom, but the way you described it made it seem real. I felt like I was flying (which only made me wish I could fly even more...). I also loved this line: and she was weightless and beautiful and just Ginny again. I like that it was Ginny, that it was who she was. Like the flying and the freedom and all that is a part of her, which I think is very Ginny. That was nice.
The Ron betrayed me part was very interesting. I think it's how she would be feeling at this point in her life. And, even better, goes with Ginny in HBP when she's all mad at Ron. Perhaps she's upset because Ron doesn't pay as much attention to her as she would like, normally, and then he won't let her be when he's mad at her? *has a feeling that didn't make any sense* Eh, it's Monday, cut me some slack.
I have one little tiny nit-picky grammar thing. It has to do with this sentence: And with them was the girl who she had unleashed the basilisk on. So, 'who' should be 'whom.' Well, actually, the sentence should read: And with them was the girl on whom she had unleashed the basilisk. But I'd be ok if you just left the 'on' at the end and changed 'who' to 'whom.' Actually, I'd be ok whether or not you change anything, but I thought I'd point it out. (Yes, it IS Monday in Leanne's brain...)
I loved the part about her homesickness. It's exactly how I pictured Ginny because you know, she's the youngest and the only girl and leaving your family's gotta be hard. The bit about saying good night and hoping her father would hear was so sweet. It's such a great bit regarding her character. It's little things like those that made this so great.
So Ginny resolves to make friends? That was perfect. I always kind of thought of Ginny like that. And it's great because in HBP Ginny seems to be quite the social person, no? So it turned out she did make some friends. Yay!
Now, I've got a soft spot for Weasley men (except Percy...) so I may be a little biased, but I loved Charlie. I like Ginny's relationship with him. It didn't seem forced in this, it just seemed right. Like a brother and sister's relationship should be.
Ok, so I could probably say more, but I've got some stuff I've got to do, so I'll leave it at that. Hope it lived up to your other wonderful reviews. You deserve many more! ;-) *hopes she added all the appropriate paragraph tags so this doesn't turn out as one big blob* -Leanne
Author's Response: Aaaaaaa! Leanne! Thank you SO much for such a lovely, lovely review. It's 12:27 AM, Tuesday, and you have me beaming. And yes, it lived up to all of them, not that it was necessary to do so. They all have a special place in my heart, no matter how long they are.
Thank you for all the compliments, especially with characterization. And thank you bunches for that first paragraph, in which you made very clear to me why exactly I wrote Ginny the way I did. I was struggling to figure that out and how to fix it, so it's nice to know that it doesn't need the major overhaul that I thought it did.
The nitpick was just what I needed! *runs to edit*
I'm very glad you managed to see all the reasoning behind each aspect of Ginny that I tried to touch on. I was worried it wouldn't be evident and just contort into a random mess of incoherent sentences with no backbone at all, so I'm glad to see a reader be spot on with their explanation. =)
Lastly, a huge thanks for the comment about their relationship. I was concerned that it came off as unnatural and forced, but you've eased my fears...a bit. Not to worry, you were convincing enough.
It's just that I'm a worry-wart.
And I know that that's news. ;)
Very interesting story, the way ginny thinks in particular. Really well written, 10 out of 10. by the way, your pen name is one of my favorite Bollywood movies.
Author's Response: Your not the first to say that about my penname and certainly won't be the last =) I really enjoy the movie too, as is obvious. Thanks for the the review and the 10! I really appreciate it!
Author's Response: You're* I hate when I make a typo.
I admit it. I have never been a great fan of Ginny. I donít exactly know why, but Iíve always thought her character was single-faceted. But youíve really got me thinking on her. Youíve given her a new face that I havenít seen often, and she seemed exactly like she should be. You captured the confused little twelve-year-old girl greatly.
Öuntil the leaves tickled her exposed arms.
Nice description there, the one of the best parts of your writing is your description. The flight especially seemed very life-like and I could almost feel her flying.
Her robes swirled behind her
I hope you wonít kill me for being nitpicky, but I take it that itís really early in the morning, and sheís fully clothed? Also, the Weasleys wear Muggle clothes in their holidays, (I think Chamber of Secrets said that) so consider that.
And then she talks about Tom. Itís great that sheís coped with it so quickly, and feels secure about flying. Itís nice that she connects with flying; itís more than just a sport to her, itís part of her life. Cool parallel with Harry, who also finds solace in flying. I especially liked the part where she considers Tom to be measly, which is also kind of her nature in canon. The best thing about this fic is itís proximity to canon. I can imagine JK Rowling to have a backstory for Ginny very similar to this.
On ground everyone towered above her, but in air, she had the upper hand.
I like your comparisons strewn throughout the fic. Adds more quality to it. This line especially is Ginny in a nutshell. She sure is bossed around by everyone, her brothers especially, but I admire the I-donít-care-what-they-say attitude that is subtly in the fic.
Then she talks about Ronís betrayal. Itís the first time Iím reading this sort of an insight on Ron. Everyone thinks of Ron as loyal and faithful, so Ronís betrayal is an interesting thought indeed. Although, itís not like he entirely forgot about her, still, this is a great thought. Just one suggestion, I think Ďabandonedí would be a better word. Betrayal just seems a bit too strong. But the final decision is entirely up to you.
No one blamed poor, little, naÔve Ginny. Poor, little, naÔve Ginny - the thought made her want to stamp her foot and scream in indignation.
Maybe this sentence would work better if you did this: No one blamed poor, little, naÔve Ginny. The thought made her want to stamp her foot and scream in indignation. The repetition just seemed sort of unnecessary.
Her thoughts on Arthur, especially being Daddyís Little Girl was well written. Her initial Ďhateí feeling towards Hogwarts was probably kindled by this. And the home-sickness was perfect. I loved the phrase whispering good-night to him from a far away place.
She would talk, and he would listen, and then smile Ė a smile that sickened her now Ė and reassure her with his words.
Nice line, but Iím not sure about the smile part. I always thought that she was only able to write to him and never saw his face. When Harry opens the diary, for instance, he only sees the writing of Tom, and only when he goes inside the book does he see Tom. Or does she imagine him to smile at her?
But then the memories began to disappear, the blackness set in
I would suggest taking out Ďtheí after disappear. Maybe you could rephrase it like ĎBut then the memories began to disappear, blackness set in.í Also, I would suggest another word for blackness. Darkness, maybe? Blackness doesnít sound correct to me.
She could hear Charlie pounding like a herd of hippogriffs behind her. You had me laughing at this line. But Charlie pounding like a herd of hippogriffs seems odd. Charlie is just one person and him pounding like a herd doesnít suit me. Maybe you could just say ĎShe could hear Charlie pounding like a huge Hippogriff behind herí or something similar.
A step that would see her into the sunlight.
The end was just perfect. Precise and beautiful.
One thing that bugged me was how very mature Ginny seemed. Sure, she came a long way after the Tom incident, but the choice of her words sometimes were a bit like too high. I got this feeling that she was a bit too mature, like say Ginny in the fifth and sixth books. Especially in the places like this: She wanted everything and nothing - friendship and solitude, admiration and imagination. Maybe itís just me, but she did seem a lot mature for a twelve-year-old here.
Overall, the fic was simply great, showed Ginny in a new light, to me at least. It would take a long time indeed for me to forget this.
Author's Response: *gasp* Wow, Preethi! Innumerable thank you's for such a comprehensive review with lots of concrit! *huggles*
Ack, I just realized I never clarified the Tom's smile part...it's her imagination, the way she pictured him in her head as she wrote in the diary. Thanks for picking up on that, I'll have to go add that in!
About the Ginny seeming more mature, I'm glad you saw that. It was probably my choice of words, correct? I tend to do that a lot. But for some reason, I like writing 10-12 year olds. That's all I've been writing so far. Perhaps I went to overboard with trying to prove that she wasn't stupid.
Again, thanks for all the wonderful compliments and suggestions! I'll definitely get to work with them! - Kal
What truly, truly amazed me was how lifelike you made the flying seem. I felt as swept up as if I were Ginny myself. Excellent call. It seemed as if you had no trouble whatsoever in describing the feelings with lively words, each more vivid than the one before.
One thing I found awkward however was Charlie's part in this. Charlie worked well in helping Ginny find the strength inside her, but their dialogue seemed to break the flow of the story.
Well-written as a whole!
Author's Response: Thank you! Description has always been one of my strengths, except I tried something off the beaten track with this fic so that it was less ornate. I was worried the imagery would fall flat because of it, but I'm glad it's still strong!
The dialogue...ugh. I still didn't find a way around it, but I figured I might as well get the story off my shoulders and published. I'll keep working with it from time to time. Perhaps I'll be hit with a lightbulb the size of China someday =)
Amazing. I can honestly say I haven't yet seen a fic which deals with the aftermath of that fateful year from Ginny's POV. And you've done it so well. The characterization is excellent and I feel like no matter what she's gone through she's still acting her age in your fic.
I also like how she developed and changed and I could really feel the change before the ending. Of course the Quidditch imagery was excellent and I especially liked the little seeker moment with the bird. ..really made me smile.
I was a teensy confused with the part about Harry and Ron and the whole stealing sweets etc, and I think I'm still not entirely sure if this is purely imagination or if it's supposed to have happened when Harry stayed with them for the first time. It 's not really that cricial I suppose and I probably would get it if I had some more chocolate...lol... About Harry, I love the way you described her thoughts about him and Ron and how she feels towards them. And the part with Charlie was great, he happens to be my faviourite Weasley and I love how you wrote their relationship.
And I loved the line: He was just an ant, a dewdrop on a leaf so far below Ė measly, inconsequential, pathetic. ~ especially when you think who it was about...*grins*...
Anyways I suppose I could go on forever, so I'll just stop for now. Once again excellent fic, I really enjoyed it, thanks for such a good read and keep writing...=)
Author's Response: Thanks for such a wonderful first review, Mithril! *hugs*
I'm glad you liked the bird part...it was the very last thing I added, and consequently, un-betaed, but I was rather fond of it.
The Harry and Ron part was all her imagination. Those things took place during the Trio's first year, when Ginny was alone at the Burrow, and therefore, well...lonely. So she made imaginary friends in the form of her hero and her brother =)
Enormous gratitude for all your praise! I will keep writing =)