review! review! review! please pretty pretty please with sugar and cherries and lemon drops on top!
Author's Response: I am confused. Are you asking me to update, update, update? If not what am I supposed to review, review, review. :) Chapter Six is in the hands of my beta's, it shouldn't be long now.
review! review! review! please pretty pretty please with sugar and cherries and lemon drops on top!
Author's Response: Duplicate, duplicate, duplicate.
This story is fantastic. I love the idea of having them forced together like this and being watched by Voldemort. Interesting idea I look forward to reading more.
Author's Response: The idea for this story came to me after I read MoE by Subversa. I really liked the idea of them being alone together and having to find out about each other and their emotions and attractions without the distraction of other people. However, I must have a story to go along with the emotion-fest. I think after I finish this story I may just write one completely before posting. Writing a chapter at a time is almost as big a surprise for me as it is for my readers. I have no idea where I am going most of the time. heheheh.
Very exciting first chapter! I think you write Snape's character very well, with things like “I will die my own man, not the puppet of another.” - very Snapish! (If that's a word!) I enjoyed your exploration into his emotions very much and will endeavour to read the next chapters soon!
Author's Response: Well Rita, I think that "Snapish" is a word within the confines of the Ravenclaw Snape Stalkers. I think that Snape's emotions almost completely define him. He is not so much without, as he is compelled to safely hide.
keep it up:)
Author's Response: Glad you like it.
Yes, well, I left my big review last chapter, but I just wanted to say that this one certainly didn't disappoint! I'm glad that everything (or nearly everything) with regards to Dumbledore is out in the open...other things can get started. And indeed, it appears they have! Very, very interesting! ;)
Author's Response: Yes things are starting to move right along. Part of me really can't wait to see what happens next. *giggles*
I was going to wait until the last chapter you have posted (which is, I believe, the next one) to review, but there was just too much I wanted to comment on in this one! First, I'm really enjoying this fic...it's a different interpretation of Snape, certainly, and I like it. I also enjoy Bellatrix's periodic visits, though I guess I thought she'd be nastier. The only time she ever physically hurt him was when he attacked her. I see her as loving to cause pain whenever she can. But no matter. Perhaps she is under orders or something.
His voice was sonorous, soothing and melodic. It was obvious that he enjoyed words and the sounds they made as well as their meaning. He took great pride in having perfect diction, perfect enunciation. *coughARcough* Lovely. What made you decide to use Poe, of all authors? The poems you selected were certainly very appropriate. I guess I'm wondering if the poem came first, or the poet. Snape's thoughts on A Dream Within A Dream were really profound. And somewhat depressing. Perfect.
The interaction between the two of them is well done. She's suffieciently angry, and he also, is a mix of confusion at his reaction to her and anger at her Gryffindor-ness. It's a good balance. Oh! And he's feeling guilty because he couldn't help make that blackness on Dumbledore go away. Another interesting layer.
In terms of nitpicky things, I saw a couple of commas which didn't seem necessary, but didn't disrupt the flow enough to mention them. Let me know if you want them.
Very nice fic overall, and an excellent chapter here! I am excited to continue!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading my story. Bellatrix. I think my idea is that Bellatrix and Snape were at least civil to each other and in each others company for many years. At most they may have been friends or at least comfortable with each other. Snape being in the inner circle of Voldemorts ranks, and Bella being so very interested in anybody who could advance her position may have befriended Snape at some point. Not to mention that Voldemort has painstakingly kept Snape alive and relatively comfortable for a reason, he wants something from him that he knows abuse will not get him. You caught me. I have to show my AR/Snape lust every few paragraphs or I go into a form of withdrawls *giggles* As for the Poetry, I know that some would believe that Snape wouldn't read poetry, but I don't think that is accurate. He is, after all, an intellectual with a well rounded appreciation for most art and literature. (See Subversa's His Draught of Delicate Posion, end of chapter 13. Love ya Subversa!) The poet came first. I knew that I wanted to use Poetry when Severus was reading to her, and I remembered that before my step father had passed away he left me a very old print of Edgar Allen Poe's works. I looked up the ones I felt most relevant and used them. I am glad that they worked well and you liked it. Like I said at the end of my last Chapter, I have been feeling a bit out of my depth after reading some really good fics. I also worried that my Snape was getting a bit squishy, but just wait for Chapter Six. I think the Skelegro was beginning to work but something went horribly wrong. Nitpick away! Let me know which comma's those were. I am trying desperately to improve my punctuation, in an effort to stop my beta's from wanting to hunt me down and smack me around for repeat errors. I am learning so much from so many people on this site. Chapter Six is on the way!
Just dropping in to leave a review. I really like this story and the setting is wonderful. Snape in a cottage... with Hermione.
Anyways, keep up the good work, you really write in a way that makes your readers ask for more.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the wonderful review Joanna. I have been going through a period where I wasn't sure my writing was up to snuff. I have been reading so many other wonderful stories, I was beginning to feel completely inadequate. Having said that, I have completed my move (pretty much) and Chapter Six is on the way. Thanks again!
good chapter. I loved the dream.
Author's Response: Thanks coll.. it was fun to write.
This story is very well written and the characters are extrodinarily in good place. I'll be honest, I'm not that big of a fan of Hermoine/Snape pairings, but they are good when you find one well written, such is yours. Oh please do keep going with this, you write well and I'm dying to know what's going to happen... Sincerely, On Angels Wings
Author's Response: Thanks OAW, I really am having fun with this, my first story. I am glad that you are enjoying it. Luckily for everyone, I am driven insane by good stories that the author never finishes, so I will not start another story until this one has reached it's conclusion.
I loved ur chapter as u already know but I have to agree with the last review. Hermione wetting the bed disturbed me.
Author's Response: I am sorry Coll, obviously my attempt at imagery and annoying Snape went a bit far. I still stand by the fact that she was in alot of pain and her thought was that she needed to get up and go but couldn't get there. I will be more careful in future chapters. Thanks for letting me know.
Hey, this is going to be a very rushed review. Sorry that I can’t go into huge amounts of detail like I often do, but time constraints won’t allow it. Your story has bundles of potential and I can see where your opinions of Snape in our discussions transfer into your fan fiction. The idea of him being trapped inside a cottage is interesting, also; you begin with a scenario that pulls your reader in and makes them curious as to what the circumstances are for him. The only criticism I have of the cottage is that if the Dark Lord did realise Snape had betrayed him but still wanted him alive, chances are he wouldn’t allow him to live in such luxury. He’d be confided to somewhere a little more torturous without the relief of books to read.
He awoke to the same feelings: disgust, anger, self-loathing, and loneliness. The last always surprised him.
Good opening. You get straight to the point by listing the exact emotions that I associate with Snape. I liked how you picked out loneliness as the odd emotion because I don’t think Snape would ever outright admit to being lonely, not until he’s been in a situation where he’s forced to be lonely and not simply choosing to live alone. You give the impression that time keeps moving on in a monotonous, boring way for him, immediately painting a picture in the readers mind of the lifestyle that Snape lives.
No Dark Lord, no Dumbledore. No bad, no good.
I liked this – very balanced. Like Snape’s entire life up to this point has been dictated by the fight between good and evil. He’s been caught in the web and dictated by two leaders, and now he isn’t of use to them he has almost lost his identity.
Just before his vision had fogged he had felt the presence of Wormtail in his mind. Severus Snape’s last conscious thought was that he had underestimated the slimy vermin. This is an interesting theory that I haven’t come across at all, or anything similar to it either. There is nothing in canon that would discredit this from happening; it’s only us huge Snape fans who make him God-like in his powers of Occlumency. I like it in one way and don’t in another, mainly because I am sceptic to the idea that Snape would ever be vulnerable to that little rat, but maybe it’s because we perceive him as such a worthless, useless character that we underestimate him. It was Wormtail who managed to resurrect Voldemort, after all, and so there is every possibility that he could have intervened at this point. JKR puts Wormtail at Spinner’s End for a reason, one that seems trivial in the sixth book, but he may serve a purpose in it, one that you’ve managed to utilise in this story.
His lack of suitable kitchen utensils was of no great importance, since all he had to do was think of food for it to appear. He need not worry about cleaning, as anything soiled left out was gone come morning. I was a little confused at this point. Why does Snape have this power all of a sudden? Could he use it to free himself, perhaps? I can see how it may be a spell so that the Death Eater’s no longer have to continue re-stocking his supplies, making him completely isolated from the world. But it is a pretty impressive power to lend an adept wizard like Snape and I think the Dark Lord may realise that he is able to manipulate it.
Bellatrix followed him with her eyes and took note of his perfectly shaped body and very white skin. The only imperfection was the brand of the Dark Mark on his arm between his wrist and elbow. To Bellatrix Lestrange this was not really an imperfection but a mark of strength. I had a few OOC itches at this point. I don’t understand why anyone, let alone Bellatrix would find Snape as perfect when it comes to looks. Even us diehard Snape fans have to admit that he has a hooked nose, pretty greasy hair and sallow skin. I can see why she would be attracted to a Death Eater and pulled towards the lure of a man with the Dark Mark, but this is a man who has been denounced as a traitor – it makes him lose that appeal.
He turned away and faced the fire. His hands shaking, he laid them upon the mantle. Quietly he said, “I will die my own man, not the puppet of another.” I liked this piece of dialogue – it justifies his reasons for disrespecting the Dark Lord and Bellatrix. I think Snape is someone who has come to the end of his tether with people using him for different things. He’s a strong man in his own right and when constantly used as a puppet it is inevitable that he would strike back. You conveyed his need to regain his dignity and identity well here, and reminded me of how much I love and respect Snape’s courage.
You have a lovely story and I look forward to reading more. You left it on a bit of a cliffhanger – using Hermione to create the potion is a devious trick! Good job so far!
Author's Response: Insecurity, you know you and Starmaiden are my hero's. I just wanted to let you know that I can't give you an adequate response right now due to time. I am on Day 3 of moving. But I will as soon as I have time. Your review is helping me immensely in my writing and I hope you will continue to read/review for me. Thanks, woomama
I really enjoyed this! The one thing that bugged me was Hermione wetting the bed, but...I am a Hermione fan. I guess I can't handle that. :) Please, more chapters!
Author's Response: I know, Texan, but it wasn't really her fault, she was in a lot of pain. woomama
Interesting way of getting Hermione there. I like it. She just appears and shocks Snape to death…ha ha.
Okay. There were some good characterization bits and some I that I thought were less great.
Instead, he had kept it to himself, determined to find his own way out this time. He didn’t suffer fools lightly, and being a fool himself would only increase his self-loathing. … .Severus snorted at the thought of Peter Pettigrew in his Animagus form lodged in a spring loaded Muggle rat trap.
Severus spent the rest of the day in quiet contemplation of his fingernails.
This was perfect, he sneered to himself, an accomplished potions master without the ability to brew a simple hang-over restorative for himself. He was pathetic.
“Calm yourself, you great FOOL!” Severus snarled out loud, his own voice sounding strange to his unused ears.
These I thought were excellent. Snape does hate foolishness, and lots of people (including myself) try to work their way out of problems they refuse to face. I agree also that he is probably very hard on himself.
There were, however, a couple of spots that didn’t feel very Snape-like to me.
“All right, Severus, get a hold of yourself. There is someone in that bed out there,” he told himself.
Severus knew he had to get out of here, he was going insane.
I don’t really see Snape explaining things to himself like that (first excerpt). I think if someone else said that to him, he would sneer at them and make some cutting remark. He knows there’s someone in the bed; he’s not the type of person to chatter to himself. The second excerpt – I think it’s right that he should feel that he’s going insane, but the phrasing doesn’t feel right. Snape doesn’t talk all that much. This might feel smoother if it was shortened simply to “He was going insane.” That shows that he knows he’s got problems, and that there isn’t too much to be done.
For one thing, an ordinary house elf would knock himself unconscious on a door frame before allowing himself to be used against his masters wishes
(For this, there should be an apostrophe in “master’s wishes”.) The details about the house-elves are really cool. They just add to the atmosphere. I very much enjoy your style. And I love the ending.
Author's Response: Starmaiden, I have two words for you: YOU ROCK! This is exactly the kind of criticism I need to stretch myself as a writer. I agree with everything you say. It's funny that the area's you are unhappy with are the same area's that I looked at more than once and thought "something just isn't right here." Ok for this section: “All right, Severus, get a hold of yourself. There is someone in that bed out there,” he told himself. I think I was trying to convey the absolute surprise of it all. The last thing he was expecting was someone to be in the bed. I think he thought that someone HAD been in the bed but was gone now. So someone still being there was utterly unexpected. Also I am trying to show Snape being in a situation that has gone on so long that he doesn't know how to act as himself anymore. I know that sounds kind of feeble but imagine being basically without human interaction for a year. Do you think that your personality might change a bit? Even someone as snarky as Snape might even start longing for someone, anyone to talk to. Last but not least I totally missed the punctuation error on "master's wishes". I can't go on here although I would love to. Just know, Starmaiden, that you are currently my hero. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox woomama
Great start. I was hooked on the first paragraph, which generally means success:
He awoke to the same feelings: disgust, anger, self-loathing, and loneliness. The last always surprised him. For 20 years he had prided himself on his aloofness, his self-sufficiency, his complete lack of need for human attention.
I really, really like this. It’s a great character snapshot, and I think it’s a very accurate one.
Just before his vision had fogged he had felt the presence of Wormtail in his mind. Severus Snape’s last conscious thought was that he had underestimated the slimy vermin.
That right there is brilliant. It’s a great way of getting rid of the Good Snape-Evil Snape debate. And it’s completely fresh and new, opens up all kinds of new ideas and thoughts.
There were only a couple things I didn’t like. The first was a small grammatical error/formatting thing here:
Severus mulled this over in his mind and thought, So I am to have a use. Well I will not be his pawn again.
The first thing is that there should be a comma after “Well” to show the pause in his thought process. Sometimes we hear it as not having a pause, but it looks funny if it’s not written in.
The other thing is that his thoughts run into the first phrase. If you italicize his inner voice, you can take out the “and thought”, and it’s easier to see that he is thinking, like so: ‘Severus mulled this over in his mind. So I am to have a use. Well, I will not be his pawn again.’
The only other thing is this sentence:
Suddenly there was a loud CRACK and Bellatrix Lestrange Disapparated.
Bellatrix has been taunting Snape, and you say that she “suddenly” Disapparates. “Suddenly” connotates unexpectedly. I think that her Disapparition is not unexpected – she taunts him, and leaves before he can retaliate. If Snape left, I could see that being sudden, unexpected.
Despite the criticism, I’m impressed by what you’ve started here. I’m going to read the rest now!
Author's Response: An author without constructive criticism, is like a bird who has run out of sky and no longer sees the need to fly.
kool. I loved it. Keep those chapters coming.
Author's Response: Keep those reviews coming too.
She's awake, she is finally awake! Great job with this chapter - with Hermione's dreams/thoughts coming into play, I really enjoyed it. I can't wait to read more.
Author's Response: I'm just sorry I kept her unconscious for so long. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.
I love how he expects the neosporin to work immediately, as if it were a potion or spell of some sort. I do have a question - if he has only to think of what he wants to have it appear, can't they read his mind? For me, it would work better if he had to verbally ask for what he wants every time. a very minor point in an enjoyable story.
Author's Response: Hi Prof, Ya I had thought about that question too. My way of getting around it was answered by Snape when he said to Hermione "That is the house and our warden the dark lord". My thought was that they can't read his mind, but the house is enchanted to respond to the basic needs of the occupents. When Snape asked for the healing potion the house didn't feel that "He" needed it, so gave him the most baisc of items in answer to his request. When Hermione asked, it answered with what she needed by not only giving her a healing potion, but a stress relieving one at that, to heal her mind as well. (I know it is feeble hahaha) but I can't let the jailers know everything they are thinking, because then Snape would never let his guard down. I am glad you are enjoying the story. I hope you will stick with it. I don't know for sure how long it will be. It all depends on where my head/heart take it.
Author's Response: hmmmm I can't, for the life of me, figure out what question.
I love it. I especially love the line where he says that if his needs were being met he'd have a wand to hurt her with...
Author's Response: Snape always has good 1 liners. It's part of his "Snarky" goodness. muhahahaha