What an intriguing idea. Superbly written, with Snape's bitterness and coldness perfectly balanced with his own inner turmoil. I particularly liked his attitude towards Bellatrix - he seemed so unafraid of her or Voldemort, especially with the line "I will die my own man, not the puppet of another." A brilliant and enticing first chapter ;o)
Author's Response: Glad you enjoyed the first chapter, and I hope you have continued on. Let me know what you think of the subsequent chapters as well. I wanted to make sure that I have portrayed Snape in a believable way and as Canon as possible for his situation. In my mind this is how a man who no longer cares about his life acts. Why shoud be afraid of Voldemort, when the worst he can do it kill him. It's hard for people to accept but this is a man that has been locked in a small house for over a year alone. Very little outside influences, and nothing but his own self-loathing and depression for company. I am amazed he hasn't gone mad yet. Please keep reading. ~woomama
Author's Response: I hate typos. Please excuse them as I cannot edit.
This chapter looked less loved, so here I am to the rescue!
The great strength of this chapter, I think, is how aware we become of Severus' surroundings, simply through his awareness of them. Your use of description is subtle but very effective. We really see everything through his eyes..with a sort of tired cynicism. My favourite example is when he wakes up with a hangover and opens one eye and surveys the room. Along the same lines, but not completely the same, is how you use his feelings about the house to lead into his feelings about past events--like in the second paragraph, you go from rain to summer, to the previous summer, to Dumbledore and so on. It's a smooth transition.
It was then that he became profoundly aware that he was standing there without a stitch on. I completely burst out laughing when I read this line. The whole scene with him realizing that she's there is very well written. I can completely see him wandering through the house, a hand on his forehead, with a raging hangover, looking bemusedly at the lump on the bed. And then the lightbulb turns on. Ha.
Severus spent the rest of the day in quiet contemplation of his fingernails. This sentence (and I imagine you know this, since it's in its own paragraph) is very powerful. It conveys his situation very well. Like everything else in the chapter, it's very visual, but in a subtle way. You don''t beat us over the head with it.
A couple of nitpicks I found:
Severus knew he had to get out of here I think, though I'm not positive, that this should be 'there.' 'Here' is something that is more used in dialogue, and 'there' for narration.
Twice he had awoke to catch sight of a house elf The 'awoke' here sounds a little awkward. I think perhaps 'he had woken up' or even just 'woken.'
he was sick of the walls of this house Same sort of thing as before--I think 'this' should maybe be 'the.' 'This' implies first person present tense.
This was perfect, he sneered to himself To make this more like a thought, consider italicizing the first bit, and putting it in present tense: 'This is perfect, he sneered to himself.'
he knew every inch of this house Change 'this' to 'the' again here.
Right then! I do think, for all its shortness, that this is a really good chapter. You're setting up his environment nicely! Keep up the great work, Tina dear!
Author's Response: Lys, I knew there was a reason that I loved you! This is fabulous. Every inch of it is informative and not the least bit picky. Well maybe just a little, but it is perfect in it's pickiness. I have been sitting here mulling over your suggestions and I think that you are spot on. I have agonized over little things such as "awoke" and "waked" and "woken" but they are so hard to figure out. Even now, as I am looking at it I am wondering and reading it over and over with each different word and none of them sounds right. arrrgggggggggg! Tenses suck!!!! LOL. But I think you are great Lys. *huggles*
Oh wow, what a great chapter! I love that he lost control when he was trying to get answers from her. Lucky for them, he didn't get her to talk. Guess he forgot who was listening for a minute. I like that you have him becoming angsty and depressed, as he should be in this situation. And I guess Hermione didn't really trust him after all, which is understandable. The scene with Voldemort and Bellatrix made my skin crawl. She's quite manipulative. And poor Severus! I can't believe they took him. I fear for what's going to happen to him next. I hope you update soon! Great chapter.
Author's Response: I like Severus out of control. hehehe. I think that afer being in the cottage for so long and getting used to the way things are that you would tend to forget a lot of things, most especially that someone or something could be watching you. I think I have said this before in another review but Angst and Depression are my thing. I hope that I am able to accurately depict it in my story, as I take my cues from my own life and from those I have seen around me. Not so much the angst as the depression however. As for Bellatrix, I think I struggle with her the most because there is very little Canon about her to build on, and Voldemort, well, if he made your skin crawl then I say, Thank you, thank you very much.
I actually think Snape is much more himself in this chapter than the last chapter and not at all squishy. He seems to be attracted to her, for sure, but he's not soft in any way. The explanations of Dumbledore's death were very touching. Poor Snape! I like that he was annoyed that she was able to get the healing potion when he couldn't. I just wonder why Hermione is so quick to believe him. In the last chapter she was ready to kill him and now she completely believes his story. Is it because she knew Dumbledore had to have some reason to trust him and wants to believe that Dumbledore was right? Anyway, good chapter and I'm off to read the next one. : )
Author's Response: I think the only thing I can say about her believing him so easily is that she wanted to believe him. She wants to believe that Dumbledore couldn't have been wrong, that Snape wouldn't have betrayed everyone and that Voldemort truly is holding him just as captive as her.
Good chapter! I'm glad Hermione is finally coming around. Her reaction to Snape being there was good. You did a good job of conveying her anger and feelings of betrayal. And your theory on what really happened is so believable. I totally think that Dumbledore was already dying from that curse. That's why he went to the Dursleys and made sure Harry got to see all those memories. The only thing that bugged me about this chapter was that Severus seemed to be a little too happy. I would think he would be angry and annoyed at having her there, not be reading her poetry. I guess that being cooped up in that house for so long has made him happy to have any kind of company, even if it's Hermione.
Author's Response: Oh yes, indeed she was angry. In my mind she was doubly angry because she had a crush on him at one point during school. It would be as if your husband/boyfriend/secret love went out and murdered your father, and then ran away and joined your most hated enemy. I also believe that Dumbledore, although fallible, knew what he was doing. Obviously I am a true believer in the fact that he ordered Severus to be the one to murder him to fulfill the Unbreakable Vow and continue his spy duties. As far as Severus being happy, think about it, after a year alone he is confronted with not only someone else, but someone that is totally dependant on him as well as someone he is used to being in authority over. It is Severus' perfect set up. He has company that, once he has fixed her up, he can bully and demean to his hearts content. As for the poetry, he was just trying to find something to do, only so much you can do with a comatose person. They have to be conscious in order for the degrading to be worth it. hehehe. Read on!
Ooh, this fic is very delicious. I had read some other SS/HG fics, and this one is definitely among the top stories. I really like the situation you put Severus and Hermione in, even though if I was in the same one I would possibly go insane (kudos to them that they're not). I like that you have Bellatrix in there, she's always good for some trouble. I can't wait to read the next chapter!
Author's Response: Ooooo I like being delicious. I know I think that I would go insane too. All alone for so long, with only periodic visits would be maddening. I like my version of Bella too. Read on, it's fun.
Wow, this is definitely going in my favorites. I love your style. You are very descriptive and give the reader a clear picture of the setting and mood. Snape is in character and is his wonderful snarky self. I love the interaction between him and Bella. This line is priceless: “If my needs were being met I would have a wand in my hand and you would be laying dead at my feet, my dear. That is spot on Snape. I'm interested to find out how Voldemort discovered he wasn't loyal to him. Great start and I can't wait to read more!
Author's Response: RSF....woooooooo hoooooooooo....In your favorites? I am grateful. I have very little faith in my own work, but I am working on getting over that little quirk. As sick as it may sound, I am totally in love with snarky Snape. I don't think I would love him near as much if he were perfect and nice and happy all the time. There is something about the idea of all that snarkiness being funneled into his passion.. whew.. ok enough of that.. hehehe. Yes, he and Bella do seem to have a bit of a trade off going. I am not sure exactly what I was going for with this but it has taken on a life of it's own. I don't think there is much known about Bellatrix in Canon, but then I haven't done much investigating, preferring to just write her my own way. As for how Voldemort found out Severus wasn't loyal to him, in my fic I explain that Wormtail actually had to Imperio Snape to push him to kill Dumbledore. I don't believe this is actually what happened in Canon, I think we will find out that Snape did as Dumbledore ordered him. But in my fic I wanted him to be caught by Voldemort so that he could be put in the cottage. So Wormtail, once again, "ratted" someone out. I think that worked out well since in my opinion Voldemort was getting suspicious of Snape anyway, and that is why he put Wormtail at Spinner's End. I forgot to look and see which chapter you were reviewing, if it was only Chapter One, then I can't wait to see what you think of the other Five. Chapter Seven will be posted shortly. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
I have to admit that this was the first time I have ever ventured into reading a Snape/Hermione fic. Even though there was no romance between the two in this first chapter, you wrote the emotions brilliantly. I liked especially how you described Snape's relief of not having to chose sides anymore. To not have to be bad or good. Anyway, I give you a huggle and some turnips for a good chapter.
P.S. Do I see a bit of a flight of fancy when it comes to Snape getting out of the shower? ;)
Author's Response: Hi Chaser... I had written out a complete response to your review and the computer ate it for some reason so I will start again. I am glad that you decided to peruse the good ship SS/HG, I think you will enjoy sailing with us. Yes, there has been no romance yet, and the funny thing is I am not sure why. I crave lemons, I had planned to douse you all with lemonade constantly in this fic, but better bunnies have won out. Emotions are something I know. I am a very emotional person and having some intimate knowledge of depression doesn't hurt either. I totally think that in Canon Snape will be relieved to not have to choose sides anymore, whether that be as a result of his death or the death of one of his "masters" it will make his life change immensely. Thank you so much for the huggles and the turnips (my favorites, the huggles that is). As for the flights of fancy, I must ask indignantly "Moi???" hehehehe Well actually I would have to say my description to be very Canon. After all who, in Canon, can tell me what is beneath his robes? *giggling and rubbing her hands maliciously and waiting with baited ears* After all, he is quite likely strong having to run between 2 camps all the time. Not to mention lifting heavy cauldrons all the time.
This is really good! I like the fact you've stuck to your guns and decided Snape is a goodie (I'm of that opinion too!) This is extremely well written, the scene and atmosphere are set with ample description and you really can see past the words into the situation.
Your characterisation is well founded, Snape's dialogue, though more 'frivolous' than we're used to is really well done - as we normally see him speak as a teacher, I imagine that his dialogue ourside with perfectly in sync with yours. One think I did notice was a thought of Snape's that he thought he still was to be put to some use, really thoughst should be put in italics. Bellatrix is well written too!
Well done on a fantastic first chapter, I'll definitely read on!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. I am glad you like my characterization of Snape. There are so many different ways that he could be portrayed, and I am sure everybody has been offended in some way by someones portrayal. I like my Snape, but I have to keep a tight rein on him sometimes. He tends to want to get away from me and do his own thing. I think that what people tend to forget when reading my story, is that Snape has been locked in this house for over a year, all alone, with only infrequent visits from someone who only wants to use him to elevate herself. That amount of time alone would tend to change, and I think, soften a personality, even one as rough as Snape's. (I am trying not to give anything away, because once I have written a chapter I tend to assume that you all have seen it too. But chapter 7 is still with my beta.) So I guess what I am counting on is for readers to understand that Snape has undergone a bit of a change. He hasn't had anyone to snark at in a very long time and I think he is a bit off balance, and confused by the fact that he actually wants, ney, desires the company of another. You will see. Keep reading. ;)
Yay, cliffhanger! I like this story a lot, and absolutely wish to read more. I like your portrayel of Snape, I didn't think he was spineless at all, but its nice to give him extra dimensions. Hope you add more soon :)
Author's Response: I am glad that you are enjoying my story. I have to say that I am my own worst critic. I never think my stuff is good enough, so this was a big step for me to publish a story that I have written. I am pretty happy with the way things are going so far. I have started writing Chapter 8, which is really difficult, and I am depending on my beta's to help guide me away from OOC-ness. Chapter 7 will be here very soon.
I've just read this whoe story in one go and I must say, its awesome. Your characterization is perfect and your description is amazing. I also love the whole plot idea, and it almsot feels kind of 'Big Brother' like.
Great work, keep it up. Can't wait for more.
Author's Response: I never thought of it as Big Brother-ish, but I guess in a way it kind of is. I loved the first couple of seasons of Big Brother here in America, but haven't watched it since. Thanks for your wonderful review, I am glad you like it. More is coming very soon.
very interesting story, I hope you will update soon.
Author's Response: Very soon.
Good job on your first fic! I like this and it has been drawn into it so I have to know what happens next. You have done well in slowly changing your characterization of Severus. In the beginning he was just a little too good, now he is more Snapeish. Update soon please!
Author's Response: I am glad that you have been able to see the change in Severus. I too felt he was getting a bit fluffy, but not anymore. Chapter Seven is with the beta's and Eight is being written.
Oh poor-poor Severus! How will he be ever able to convince Hermione that he is no agent for Voldie? *anticipates next chapter with anxiety*
I really liked this chapter, although I was sad that they didn't talk that much. However, watching each other is almost as good if not better than speaking.
There were several great moments in this chapter. Hermione's table filled with food was hilarious, I just kept seeing that in my mind's eye. And the chase and gripping of arm scene was really my favourite. It's a really good stand to go on from.
Oh and Voldie reprimanding Bella... It was really-really well in character, for both of them.
But poor-poor Severus. He is taken away from Hermione. *cries*
Author's Response: Yes, sometimes silence can be more enjoyable than incessant chattering (to quote my dear Severus). I think I am ready now to branch out and include other characters. I am glad that the Voldemort/Bellatrix scene worked out so well. I really had a fun time with my brit-picker over Hermione's meal. Apparently I had a whole bunch of food on that table that the British just do not eat. So we had a lot of back and forth, give and take on that one. It was quite fun. I also enjoyed the chase. I like putting a bit of action into a story, and when you are trapped in a small house running from room to room is about the best you can do. Getting thirsty for some lemonaide? I know I am.
Oh my, I was so excited when I saw the chapter was viewable. I loved it, poor Snape, the guy can't catch a break. I can't wait to see the rest unfold.
Author's Response: Yes poor poor Severus is so very misunderstood. It sure seems like he is yanked around a lot. I am sure he is getting tired of it. I think he might just snap here soon. Thanks for the review, I am glad you are enjoying.
Whose invaluable help has brought me to an all new level of joy and happiness
*raises an eyebrow in a Snape-like manner*
Author's Response: Snape walks into the room, grabs his eyebrow, turns in a billowing of robes and begins to stalk back out, "Oh," he spits, "and detention for you, 7pm." He looks at her as she begins to smile in anticipation of detention. "with Mr. Filch" he smirks, and is gone from the room.
I've got nothing but positivity for this chapter! I just hope that Severus will be OK ... but besides that I loved it. Great job and I can't wait to read more.
Author's Response: Thank you so much magick. That was a tough Chapter to write. It's in my head but doesn't like to come out of my fingers coherently. Seven is proving to be just as difficult. I hate to say it but I am really looking forward to some lemon.....aide. hehehe
yay!!! you got another chappie up. That is sooooooooo cool. If only it would show up
Author's Response: eeeeeeekkkk duplicate!
yay!!! you got another chappie up. That is sooooooooo cool. If only it would show up
Author's Response: It's up! It's up! It's really really up!
yeah, sorry about that, i had a kinda long day. I meant update, wow i feel like an idiot. Great job
Author's Response: Being the Queen of "long days" I am willing to be forgiving. As for updating, I know that once I read a chapter of "His Draught..." by Subversa it takes every bit of Strength I have not to beg for the next chapter while reviewing. Chapter Six should be along quite quickly. Thanks for being a fan of my little story!